Uncharted Terriroty

Growing up, I was always looking for a hero. I wanted to find a hero in a significant other, a mentor, a family member, or a best friend. I was just looking for someone to pull me out of my darkness, get me out of my head. I wanted someone else to show me the use of living in a world I never asked to be a part of. I wanted the luxury of depending on someone else to fix me.

Turns out, all that time, I was never broken. I was merely trying to fit myself into a mold I did not belong in. My Uncle Fino gave my older sister and I some sound advice. He told us the only thing you should lean on to support yourself is your own two feet. All other relationships are a bonus. A good marriage is a bonus. A good friend is a bonus.

You probably wonder what that advice has to do with me trying to fit into a mold I don’t belong in. Well, it actually does a lot. For years, I have been trying to lean on other people for help. I’ve searched outwardly for my peace of mind. Taking Intro to Philosophy has been the first time in my life that I realize there is nothing wrong with the way I think. I just think philosophically. I come up with my own theories for my life, and I live by them.

I am about to graduate College soon. A lot of change is coming my way and to be completely honest, I’m more nervous than excited. My professor Hugh Lambert once told me, “There is no such thing as a bad experience.” He believed that every experience was a learning experience. Dr. Marcia O’Brien told me recently, “Collect all the experience you can to be ready for your purpose.” She believed that the reason I do not know my purpose now is because I am not prepared to fulfill that role in my life. It makes incredible sense to me. If I knew my purpose now and couldn’t fulfill it because I lacked the skills, I’d be crushed.

So why am I so nervous about the change to come? I have started to make a statement to my friend that goes like this “I don’t want to make decisions for future me.” It makes planning details for the future terrible, but for the most part, it doesn’t hinder us from doing spontaneous things.

The point: I am still getting to know myself. That seems really odd, but I have lived a lot of my life because people have wanted me to. I will not commit suicide because I know it will hurt the people who love me. I was not living out of the pure idea of enjoying my life. I have always felt trapped in this life. There was no escape from the future of who people expected me to be.

I am a people pleaser. I think it is one of my biggest flaws. I neglect taking care of myself so I can take care of other people. I care too much about how others perceive me that I don’t even know how I perceive myself. I have social anxiety because the more people that know me, the more people have opinions about me. I begin to exist in the minds of more people.

It honestly brings me peace of mind when people share their opinions of me with me. One of my professors recently told me how much they admire me for who I am. I was not even trying to impress that professor. By just doing me, I made an impact. Clearly, I am not a terrible person after all.

My life seems very much out of my control most of the time. It drives me crazy that I cannot just be a simple-minded human being. But I’ll never be what I am not. My mind is uncharted territory. I must take the time to get to know myself just as much as I need to take the time to get to know someone else. My life has taken off without me being present for most of it. I have lost myself in the commotion of who I thought I was supposed to be.

I want to live because who I am today won’t be the same person as who I am tomorrow. I’m not going to be fickle in my decisions, but I won’t force myself to do things I do not like to do just because it makes someone else happy. I am not going to neglect my own preference of doing something just because it is not the norm. I’m not going to disregard other people’s feelings, but I won’t live my life for someone else. I want to live because I owe it to myself to see what happens next in the uncharted territory. 

I don't usually do this, but check out my YouTube channel. This is my latest post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVSTrcFvKVQ