Getting to Know Me

How is everyone doing during this quarantine? I know it is an unpleasant situation for a lot of people, especially social butterflies. It’s also hard for people to understand the severity of it when they don’t think of themselves as a risk or they’re in good health. I know when this all started, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it, but I’ve actually been adapting really well. Here is how I’ve been surviving.

I’ve been getting to know me. I’m cheating a little because I’m an introvert. Honestly, this is kind of my life on the daily. I don’t love going out, socializing is exhausting, and I’m used to not seeing my friends all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I miss during this quarantine, but I’m not going to dwell on the negatives here. I’m focusing on the things that bring me happiness.

One thing I have been doing to get to know me is read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hays. Her book encourages me to accept myself. Her message is self-love, which is something I need to be reminded of because I’m pretty hard on myself. I’m a perfectionist. Reading that book -and I’ve been taking my sweet time doing so- has given me some really good insight on how I want to be once this whole thing is over.

The second thing I’ve done to get to know me is watch YouTube videos about my personality type via Meyer’s Brigs. I actually stumbled upon a YouTuber that has a lot of videos about our personality type. It makes me laugh so hard when he says things that sound exactly like something I’ve said or thought. It helps me feel less alone in this world. Shout out to Frank James who has hilarious videos about personality types and enneagrams!  

A third thing I have been doing to get to know me is taking care of my physical body. Believe it or not, but I’ve become healthier during this quarantine. I’ve been taking walks, having dance parties, and cooking good food. The weather hasn’t always cooperated for walks outside, but dance parties can happen whenever. I used to get really stressed out about eating, but now I’m just making whatever I feel like making and confidently trying to make new things. It’s been exciting.

A fourth thing I have done to get to know me is work on my music. I haven’t written any new songs yet, but the goal is to make a new YouTube video soon using an already written unshared song. I have kind of neglected my music for a while. Pushing it off because of being a perfectionist and doubting the point of even sharing it. I forgot how much I love my songs. Whether I get famous or not, I want to share them because they’re special to me.   

Lastly, to get to know me, I’ve been watching Hannah Montana. I understand how this can be a weird way to get to know me, but I grew up watching Hannah Montana. It made me realize how many lies about life I used to believe because I watched that show while my brain was developing with no real experience. It is filled with subliminal messages that little kids don’t question, but as an adult, I also recognize the good life lessons it taught me. It’s been fun to reminisce about the past.

I know these things are tailored to me, but maybe some of them will inspire you to get to know yourself better. Our future is still uncertain, and it would have been uncertain even without this virus. What we can control is the present moment that we are in. Today is your day to love on yourself, get to know you, and take care of yourself. Take the extra time you might have to self-reflect and show yourself self-love.

For those who are alone and don’t like it, instead of giving in to despair and feeling alone, entertain yourself. Take yourself on a date. You don’t have to go anywhere. Take-out and movie at home can be a luxury. Enjoy this time. Maybe it’s time to try new things. Pick up cooking, reorganize your closet, read a book or color. Coloring is super fun and therapeutic. Pretend you’re a little kid again and play with toys. The possibilities are endless.

You know what they say, time flies when you’re having fun. Before you know it, things will be back to normal. In the meantime, keep your head up. You’ve got this!    

[I know this blog post doesn’t apply to everyone. I’m sure there are plenty of parents who wish their kids could go back to school, but if you took the time to read this, I appreciate you. You’re a superhero!]

Guilty as Charged

It is a new month which means a new blog post. I hope this can be a fun distraction for people during this quarantined month and uncertain times. Though my topic may seem a little heavy. My title is kind of a hint. The topic is guilt.

I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now. It’s been exciting because she is someone I actually like and trust (which is very important when choosing a counselor). I was talking to her about what was going on in my life and she recognized a feeling in me; the feeling of guilt. Something I didn’t think about before but hit the nail right on the head.

She told me that guilt does not come from the Divine. Then she asked me, who feels guilty? I didn’t know how to answer. I assumed a lot of people. Turns out, people who feel guilty are often the real kind, helpful, and caring people. Then she asked me, who does not feel guilty? I responded, “psychopaths and murders.” Her response to this was, “yes, but not even that extreme. People who are takers, go getters, and a lot of really successful people don’t feel guilt.”

Reflecting on my own life, I feel guilty a lot. I feel guilty for existing. I feel guilty for making the smallest mistakes or coloring out of the lines. I feel guilty for doing things for myself or thinking what I want is more important than someone else. It’s exhausting, but I’m a people pleaser. When I mess up, the blunt of my anger is at myself. Even if I just lashed out at someone else, the person I am madder at is me.

As a little girl, I used to say the sinner’s prayer every time the invitation came because I believed that Jesus left me when I did something sinful. As an adult, though I’ve learned that wasn’t true about Jesus, the guilt of making mistakes made me feel like I deserved something bad when I did something wrong. That’s why self-harm was a coping skill I used to use.

I’m trying to work on myself to live a guilt-free life. Trust me when I say I feel guilty trying to do that because I still don’t know how. I’m not saying I won’t make mistakes. I’m going to fail repeatedly, but I’m trying to forgive myself quicker and apologize less for the things that just make me human.

I don’t need people to say sorry to me. I just want my boundaries to be respected and mistakes to be recognized and learned from. I want to live guiltless and full of grace. I know I’m going to get push back from this, but I think “I’m sorry” is a stupid phrase. It doesn’t mean anything unless people are willing to change and improve. Being sorry doesn’t mean you’ve learned anything.        

Maybe you have no idea what I am talking about in this blog post. Maybe you’re a guiltless person and just live your best life. Good for you! Please teach me your ways.

Maybe you’re like me before talking to my counselor and don’t realize you’re living guilty. In case you’re unsure, being overly guilty looks like saying “I’m sorry” a lot even if you did nothing wrong. You’re always the one to say sorry first. You’re the person who would throw yourself on the sword to make sure everyone else feels good. These traits aren’t bad, but they can be hindering you from your fullest potential.

The world is in chaos right now and no one is unaffected. This is the time when we should be giving ourselves the most grace. Instead of getting mad at yourself or feeling guilty about that piece of cake we just ate for lunch, show yourself love. Instead of feeling guilty for being overwhelmed by the number of people trapped in your house with you, tell everyone how much you love them and take some personal time in another room.

Guilt can create monsters out of really caring and loving people. Don’t feel guilty for needing things. Instead of feeling guilty and getting upset, take a step back and give yourself a hug. I’m serious. What would the world be like if we were guiltless? What if we chose grace over guilt? What if we chose kindness instead of anger? Think about it and know you are innocent.