My True Love

Tis the season for love and laughter, cuddles by a warm fire, and hot chocolate. Tis the season where you buy loved-ones presents and send out Christmas cards to people you do not always talk to throughout the year. Tis the season of being together. Tis the season of magical lights that glow in the night, mistletoes hanging, and white snow is welcomed for a little while because it helps with setting the wintery wonderland mood.

Although winter is not my favorite season, Christmas is a fun holiday and it isn’t even because of the presents. I’ve come to the terms that the romantic in me loves this season. There are so many coupley things to do that just seem more romantic than during the other seasons. Why? I am not 100% sure, but I know Hallmark has something to do with it. People are always falling in love on their shows during this time of year.

So why then am I writing a blog post about “my true love” and romantic things when I am single? That’s an excellent question. Allow me to shed some light on the subject.

Recently I watched a TED talk called “the person you really need to marry.” (I’ll put the link at the bottom.) I found the title very capturing because out of 4 children, I am the only one who does not have a significant other. I was hoping this video would give me an insight on who my significant other should be. To my surprise, the video caught me quite off guard. The video had nothing to do with finding another person to be the love of my life. The video was about making myself the love of my life.

It amazed me when I thought about all the nice things I would do for other people and never do for myself. The way in the past, I would bend over backwards for my significant other, but I would rarely give myself a second chance when I would mess up. The way I would beat myself up thinking I was not good enough if my significant other didn’t want to spend time with me when there were times I didn’t even want to spend time with myself and thought nothing of it.

To simplify my rant, I didn’t love myself, but I am starting to learn how to. I am figuring out the things I love and treating myself to good things. I try to reinforce positive feelings towards myself. I am also beginning to care less what other people think and feel towards me. Granted, I’ll never be completely cured of caring what others think, but I am getting better at calling myself out on it.

There are times I would love to have another person in my life to do all the fun couple like things with, but the cold hard truth is, I am not ready to have someone in my life. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be. I want to be able to fully love myself before I can even imagine someone else loving me. No one else will be able to love me the way I need to be loved if I can’t even love myself the way I need to.

So here is to all my single friends out there. Take this opportunity alone and fall in love with yourself. It will be so much easier to love other people when you can fully embrace who you are and love it. If you’re in a relationship, do not forget to love yourself. Your significant other is not supposed to provide all the love in the world for you. You have to hold your own sometimes.

Here’s the link: TED talk she does a much better job explaining this than I do. Enjoy!

Let’s Make a Goal

A few weeks ago, I attended one of my Women’s Leadership Series meetings. We talked about creating our brand name, but the part that stood out to me the most was when we talked about goals. The guest speaker had us create a T-chart that had our personal goals on one side and professional goals on the other. A lot of the other women in the room found it easier to create their professional goals rather than their personal goals. It kind of bewildered me for a moment because for me, I enjoyed writing down my personal goals more than writing my professional ones.

I had never done that before. I had never written down my personal goals before. I don’t even think I have ever even written a New Year’s resolution before. It was powerful to see them on paper. They went from ideas in my head to tangible words on paper. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. My goals are not just silly ideas, but they are attainable. I can actually get them done.

Now you’re probably hoping that I share these goals with you on this post, but I am not going to. I was taught in my Organizational Behavior class last year that if you share your goals, you are less likely to do them. Weird, but scientifically proven. It has to do with getting praise for having the goals that make people less likely to do them. I promise, though, once I have accomplished some of my goals, I’ll let you know what they are.

So, I titled this post “Let’s Make a Goal” for a reason. I want you to make a goal for yourself. My professor shared with my class this semester a quote from Lewis Carroll, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Sounded exciting to me, but going aimlessly can get frustrating sometimes. This is why the corny metaphor of using life as a journey and the goal as your destination exists.

When you make goals for yourself, you give yourself a purpose. Once you have a purpose, you can create a plan to fulfill that purpose. Now I do not believe that everyone only has one purpose, so you should not have only one goal. I know that I have several. If you have a purpose and plan to fulfill that plan, you have something to look forward to every day. Are you one step closer to your goal? If not, it is not the end of the world and if you are, you can give yourself a reason to celebrate. How you get to your goal is the fun and creative part, but reaching your goal is the exciting part. While reaching for one goal, you could be completing other goals on your way.

There is no limit to how many goals you can have, just make sure you are not making unrealistic ones. There are so many incredible things you can do. Do not give yourself unattainable goals. These goals are not meant to stress you out or burden you. They are just to make life more interesting. You probably fulfill goals every day without even realizing it because you never wrote them down.

One goal that I have is to write more blog posts. Granted, I have never been good at being faithful to my blog, but I like thinking that the little things I learn can help someone else.

So please, give me feedback, share my posts if they help you or you know people they might help. Feel free to share your accomplished goals with me or how my blog posts have helped you.  If I am too vague on ideas, ask me to expand on my thoughts. Let’s grow and learn together.

Personalities

Just a heads up before you read: this blog post is not meant to put people into categories that divide us. This is just my observation of people to simplify their complexity. Also to make people more aware of each other. So keep that in mind while you read.

There are some people who have personalities that come to a point. They can pierce through social circles and hang out with anybody and everybody. But others have personalities that are rounded. They must be welcomed into social circles or they get left behind and forgotten.

Both have their weaknesses and both have their strengths. If your personality comes to a point, make sure you join groups of people that will enhance your life for the better. Choose to surround yourself with people who truly love you. It's easy to think you've got a million friends until the moment no one is there for you when you need them the most.

If your personality is rounded, that's no excuse to isolate yourself. You are just as worth knowing as those who make themselves known. So make sure you are putting yourself out there even if it's hard for you. You will find your place and there will be people who welcome you into their social group. You are not alone. If all the rounded personality people joined together, we'd be massive. But life isn't all about having lots of friends.

Life is wonderful when you can count all your close friends on one hand. If I am in need of anything, I know who I can count on to always be there for me. This is what makes my life beautiful. 

I know that I have a rounded personality. It's harder for me to enter new social circles. It's hard for me to find my place within groups because I need to have a place within a group. I sometimes envy those who have pointed personalities, but then I am reminded of those that love me for just being me and I'm blessed.

If you know someone who is less likely to put themselves out there, acknowledge them and let them know you love them. Cause trust me, random bursts of love go a long way.

Puppy Mom

So recently my family has gotten a puppy. After years and years and years and years of asking for one, the parents finally caved and said yes. How incredibly shocked was I. I know that puppies are a huge responsibility. It’s basically like having a baby, but they never grow up and take care of themselves. I’m not going to lie; I was extremely stressed out about the idea. I had puppy sat my friend’s puppy for a week. Although her dog brought me a lot of joy, she still woke me up really early in the morning. That’s not my favorite. I enjoy my sleep. And even though being needed felt good, it is also exhausting.

            We’ve had our puppy for almost three weeks now and I definitely feel silly for stressing out about it. Prince, our puppy’s name, has brought a new level of joy to my life. He never holds grudges, he’s always excited to see me, he gives kisses constantly, he is a great snuggle buddy, and he is very smart. He definitely doesn’t feel like just a dog to me. There are times when he just looks at me with that cute little face and I feel like he’s talking to me. “Come play with me” he says. When I walk into the room after being gone for 2 minutes he says, “I missed you and I’m so glad you’re back! Come touch me! I love you!” The excitement he has is unreal. I hate leaving my house just because I know I’m leaving him.

            The more I hang out with Prince, the more I realize that sometimes I am just like him. Prince will meet complete strangers and get so excited about them. He’ll jump around and lick them and wag his tail like he’s known them his whole life. It amazes me every time he does it. He’s never afraid to meet new people. The way he and I are similar is that I get really excited when I meet new people. Granted, I’ve never licked a stranger and I have no tail to wag, but my heart jumps around when I meet new incredible people.

            I started working at a new job on July 26^th. It’s called Jim’s on Main. I only work Saturday and Sunday. The people I work with are incredible. Even though I’ve known them for a few weeks now, the first day I met them I was already in love. I came home to my parents face hurting because I had been smiling so much. They made my heart so happy. I was jumping around with excitement from meeting them. It’s not usually socially expectable to tell people you love them the first day you meet them, but I really did love them and I still love them.

            Just like the way Prince loves strangers, I fall in love with people I only meet once and never see again. I’ve had customers at Famous Dave’s that have made my day. They would leave and I’d tell another employee how I loved them. It didn’t matter that I didn’t really know them. I was happy and excited to meet them. 

I think it is good to be like a puppy. It’s definitely a happier existence. Puppies don’t over think things and they don’t sweat the little things. They just give lots of love to everyone they meet.

I’m really happy to have Prince in my life. He is the sweetest little puppy. He’s teaching me a lot about life; like naps are very important and so is playtime. Play hard and nap hard. What a life this pup has.

Seeing Life Through the Mirrors of Your Eyes

It is amazing what you can learn when you’re going through the same situation as someone you love. When you see them suffering under the pressure of feeling stuck with a person that only causes them pain and then you realize that you’re suffering the same way. It feels like giving advice to yourself looking into a mirror except you couldn’t have given yourself that advice. Realizing that you didn’t want to give yourself the cold hard truth that you are more than willing to give someone you love.

Why do we do that? Why are we so willing to give the best advice to someone else even though we should be taking it ourselves? We have known it from the beginning. We had to know it because we told them, but never thought to give it to ourselves. If you are anything like me, you have the tendency to save others before you save yourself. There is nothing wrong with being selfless. In fact, being selfless is seen as noble and being selfish is awful. But where do you draw the line? There is nothing more painful than watching your friend drown in anxiety and fear because of someone else. It is like watching someone drown in water, but they are holding a life vest.

Although life is not all about being happy, when we float above the waters of anxiety, fear, or even sadness life seems better. What keeps us above water? For everyone it is different. Some people like taking the hard way and tread water. This only means they keep themselves busy which makes them miss out on the opportunity to float and enjoy life. Other people like to use blow up life vests. Compliments, love, or affirmation from others blows up their life vest, but when those aren’t around they tend to sink. There are people who disregard they have a life vest at all and cling to others for survival. This not only endangers the person they are clinging onto, but also the person clinging.

SO… you’re probably wondering “what is the right kind of life vest to use?” Well at least I hope you’re wondering that, but you’ll have to read the rest of the blog post to find out because I am going to focus on the last kind of person, but more specifically the person being clung onto.

Why do we let people bring us sadness? Why do we let people cause us to fear? Why do we let ourselves get full of anxiety to the point we are physically hurting ourselves on behalf of someone else? The real question is why did I let this happen to myself?

I admit it. I allow myself to sink on behalf of someone else. I let other people cling to me because I believed that I was helping them when I was really killing myself and not helping them at all. I was asking questions like “Am I worth it? Am I good enough? Why do I keep doing the same thing wrong? Why can’t I fix this? How can I solve this problem?” It would cause me so much pain that I would physically hurt myself when the real problem wasn’t even me. I took responsibility for someone else’s actions. I allowed them to float on my behalf and I encouraged their negative behavior. They did nothing but hurt me with manipulation and control to bring themself up. When I would do well on my own, they made sure to cling tighter bringing doubts about if I could really float alone.

I truly believe as human beings that we long for connection with other people. We crave community and belonging. There is nothing wrong with helping a friend bare their burden, but in no way is it right to throw your burdens onto someone else. We are all responsible for ourselves. We can only work and fix ourselves. We can have people help us, but we have to do the hard work on our own.

So what is a healthy life vest? Well I believe we all have God given life vests. God made humans very intelligent whether or not we live up to our full potential. He also made us with a wide variety of feelings and emotions. So a healthy life vest is a balanced life vest. A life vest that is inflated when you’re around other people and inflated by your own self confidence, a life vest that should be taken off to tread water sometimes, and a life vest that trusts that God has a purpose and plan for all the crazy stuff that goes on in this life. Also a healthy life vest is your own life vest and not someone else’s. We all have the option to wear a life vest. We all have the option to put it on and make life a little more comfortable. It won’t save you by wearing it. Some people live a very long life being miserable. If you want to make your life happier then you have to choose that.

It doesn’t seem easy or feel good to try to rip someone off you and grab your own life vest. Trust me, I’m still struggling. There are times I feel like I’m letting them down or I’m once again doing something wrong, but there is nothing wrong with taking care of myself. I cannot help someone when I am already hurting. I cannot live in fear that they are going to try to latch on again. I can’t have anxiety about coming home just because I know they are nearby. I am choosing to put on my life vest.

So person clinging to me, I choose happiness and health. I choose me. I know you can float on your own. I pray that you will use your own life vest and that God will bless you.

Warning signs of an abusive and unhealthy relationship:

-They isolate you -They are easily jealous of other people you are friends with -You seem to have the same fight consistently -They talk to you in circles until you give them the answer they want -They want you to do a lot for them, but give you little in return -You feel anxiety or fear when they are angry with you -They threaten to end your relationship often -They blame you for problems -They expect you to fix your relationship -They are very good with words -They apologize for doing something wrong, but also remind you that you’re at fault too -They create situations that do not make any logical sense –There seems to be a cycle to your relationship

If you notice your best friend, a regular friend, or significant other is showing these warning signs, get out of that situation. Ask other people to help you get out of that relationship. You deserve better. You need to choose yourself. You cannot help them. We can get through this. We are not alone.

No Language Barrier Here

I'll admit it. I studied in a foreign country for four months and didn't pick up the language as well as I maybe should have. In my defense, I really didn't have to use it as much as one would think.

While studying Abroad in Florence, Italy there was one language I understand completely: the language of love and affection. My Italian host family consisted of a husband and wife and the wife's mother. I called the wife Momma and her momma Nonna. My momma knew a little English, but the husband and Nonna knew only Italian. Speaking to them and learning from them was so much fun. As I started to understand them more, their jokes became funnier and our conversation more two way. Even at times we didn't understand each other, they always knew I loved them from the hugs and kisses I'd give them.

The same language barrier arose with my Italian biological family. They only spoke Italian and I could only understand a little bit. It didn't keep them from loving me, though. Through their hugs and kisses, I knew I was accepted whether or not they understood what I said and vise versa. It made me feel happy that at least my love was understood.

Studying in Florence has been a life changing opportunity for me. I loved making Florence my home and traveling to places on my bucket list.

My favorite part of studying abroad was/is my roommate. Before I left for Italy, I had a gripping fear that I would be unable to connect with other people from my program. That fear increased when I got to Rome and sat at a table for lunch with a bunch of girls I had nothing in common with.

I was pretty bummed at the lack of people's interest to try new things and do stuff other than drink. A lot of the girls were from sororities and just wanted to drink and party. There's nothing wrong with those things, but it was not my crowd.

I opened the door to my hotel room to find my roommate settling down inside. I cannot recall our first conversation specifically, but it was probably the normal greeting questions: Where are you from; what school do you go to; what's your major; have any siblings; do you like chocolate and gelato? Ok the last question I didn't ask everyone else, but my roommate and I bonded over our love for chocolate and gelato.

There was something about my roommate that was perfect for me. Since January 20th, I had spent everyday with my roommate. Not every waking moment, but everyday we were together when we could be. Everyone asked if we had known each other before and some people thought we were sisters. She truly felt a part of me even though we had just met. Our life stories were very similar which made it easy for us to relate.

Through common interests and a similar sense of humor, my roommate and I enjoyed many adventures. Some of those adventures involved miles of walking without complaint and super early mornings. We had unspoken rules because we both knew you don't talk at 3 in the morning. Every second we spent together brought me so much happiness even the times we spent relaxing silently. Words were never needed for her to know how much I loved being with her.

No, I don't speak Italian fluently, but I do know how to make someone feel loved whether there is a language barrier or not. I do plan on practicing my Italian, though. I wish there were more words I could write to express how overwhelmingly happy I am with my study abroad experience, but since words aren't everything I'll just finish with: Arrivederci, Italia!