It is amazing what you can learn
when you’re going through the same situation as someone you love. When you see
them suffering under the pressure of feeling stuck with a person that only
causes them pain and then you realize that you’re suffering the same way. It
feels like giving advice to yourself looking into a mirror except you couldn’t
have given yourself that advice. Realizing that you didn’t want to give
yourself the cold hard truth that you are more than willing to give someone you
love.
Why do we do that? Why are we so
willing to give the best advice to someone else even though we should be taking
it ourselves? We have known it from the beginning. We had to know it because we
told them, but never thought to give it to ourselves. If you are anything like me,
you have the tendency to save others before you save yourself. There is nothing
wrong with being selfless. In fact, being selfless is seen as noble and being
selfish is awful. But where do you draw the line? There is nothing more painful
than watching your friend drown in anxiety and fear because of someone else. It
is like watching someone drown in water, but they are holding a life vest.
Although life is not all about
being happy, when we float above the waters of anxiety, fear, or even sadness
life seems better. What keeps us above water? For everyone it is different.
Some people like taking the hard way and tread water. This only means they keep
themselves busy which makes them miss out on the opportunity to float and enjoy
life. Other people like to use blow up life vests. Compliments, love, or
affirmation from others blows up their life vest, but when those aren’t around
they tend to sink. There are people who disregard they have a life vest at all
and cling to others for survival. This not only endangers the person they are
clinging onto, but also the person clinging.
SO… you’re probably wondering “what
is the right kind of life vest to use?” Well at least I hope you’re wondering
that, but you’ll have to read the rest of the blog post to find out because I
am going to focus on the last kind of person, but more specifically the person
being clung onto.
Why do we let people bring us sadness?
Why do we let people cause us to fear? Why do we let ourselves get full of
anxiety to the point we are physically hurting ourselves on behalf of someone
else? The real question is why did I let this happen to myself?
I admit it. I allow myself to sink
on behalf of someone else. I let other people cling to me because I believed
that I was helping them when I was really killing myself and not helping them
at all. I was asking questions like “Am I worth it? Am I good enough? Why do I
keep doing the same thing wrong? Why can’t I fix this? How can I solve this
problem?” It would cause me so much pain that I would physically hurt myself
when the real problem wasn’t even me. I took responsibility for someone else’s
actions. I allowed them to float on my behalf and I encouraged their negative
behavior. They did nothing but hurt me with manipulation and control to bring themself
up. When I would do well on my own, they made sure to cling tighter bringing
doubts about if I could really float alone.
I truly believe as human beings
that we long for connection with other people. We crave community and
belonging. There is nothing wrong with helping a friend bare their burden, but
in no way is it right to throw your burdens onto someone else. We are all
responsible for ourselves. We can only work and fix ourselves. We can have
people help us, but we have to do the hard work on our own.
So what is a healthy life vest?
Well I believe we all have God given life vests. God made humans very
intelligent whether or not we live up to our full potential. He also made us
with a wide variety of feelings and emotions. So a healthy life vest is a
balanced life vest. A life vest that is inflated when you’re around other
people and inflated by your own self confidence, a life vest that should be
taken off to tread water sometimes, and a life vest that trusts that God has a
purpose and plan for all the crazy stuff that goes on in this life. Also a
healthy life vest is your own life vest and not someone else’s. We all have the
option to wear a life vest. We all have the option to put it on and make life a
little more comfortable. It won’t save you by wearing it. Some people live a
very long life being miserable. If you want to make your life happier then you
have to choose that.
It doesn’t seem easy or feel good
to try to rip someone off you and grab your own life vest. Trust me, I’m still
struggling. There are times I feel like I’m letting them down or I’m once again
doing something wrong, but there is nothing wrong with taking care of myself. I
cannot help someone when I am already hurting. I cannot live in fear that they
are going to try to latch on again. I can’t have anxiety about coming home just
because I know they are nearby. I am choosing to put on my life vest.
So person clinging to me, I choose
happiness and health. I choose me. I know you can float on your own. I pray
that you will use your own life vest and that God will bless you.
Warning signs of an abusive and unhealthy relationship:
-They isolate you -They are easily jealous of other people
you are friends with -You seem to have the same fight consistently -They talk
to you in circles until you give them the answer they want -They want you to do
a lot for them, but give you little in return -You feel anxiety or fear when
they are angry with you -They threaten to end your relationship often -They
blame you for problems -They expect you to fix your relationship -They are very
good with words -They apologize for doing something wrong, but also remind you
that you’re at fault too -They create situations that do not make any logical
sense –There seems to be a cycle to your relationship
If you notice your best friend, a regular friend, or
significant other is showing these warning signs, get out of that situation.
Ask other people to help you get out of that relationship. You deserve better.
You need to choose yourself. You cannot help them. We can get through this. We
are not alone.
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