Vulnerability in my Values

Growing up, I was told that I was a leader. I was headstrong and loved taking charge. In grade school, I was able to get some of the girls in my class to use recess as a time to make up dances. I enjoyed leading worship in middle school and teaching chapel. People tended to gravitate towards me to give them advice or be there for them during difficult times.

I love being there for people. I like guiding them through challenges. I like supporting them on decisions they make when I feel it benefits them. Leadership to me was a background job. I was a self-proclaimed leader. No one would aimlessly follow me, but they knew they could count on me when it matters the most. I never want people to feel forced or manipulated into taking my advice or following my lead. I just want to be helpful and that is what leadership is to me. It is a way of helping people. The reason I choose to think of leadership the way I do is because of my values. I have a few life driving values. They are trust, loyalty, creativity, and connection.

I have a hard time trusting people, but I have a strong desire to be trustworthy. If I cannot be trusted, then I have no business leading. I want someone to know without a doubt that the advice I give or the actions I take are to their best interest. When I fail to do so because I am thinking selfishly, I know I am hurting people’s ability to trust me. I have been hurt in the past because my trust in someone was broken. It is very difficult to mend broken trust. That is why I value trust so highly. When I trust someone, I give them full access to my heart. It is the most vulnerable I can be.

Trust is followed by loyalty. Being loyal to someone is not pledging an oath. Loyalty is never giving up on someone through good times and bad times. I will never turn my back on someone that I love even when they are being hard to love. I will forgive endlessly when I choose to be loyal to someone because I know that we all make mistakes. Unfortunately, when I am loyal to someone who only wishes to cause me harm, I will fall into the trap of letting them abuse me. I must choose who I am loyal to carefully because of this. Loyalty is a value because I am vulnerable when I am loyal. If someone is loyal to me, I do not take that lightly.  

Creativity is one of my values because when I am being creative, I feel like my best self. My creativity comes in many forms. I like to write songs, write blogs, color, or draw. I like to have deep, thought-provoking conversations with people. I spent some time in a mental health program and learned coping skills for my deep emotions. Creativity has been a way for me to express myself and be vulnerable. Creativity has kept me sane when it has felt like my darkness would overtake me. Creativity has helped me to find solutions to problems that I have faced. I love the quote from George Bernard Shaw that says “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” I love this because it gives me the choice to decide who I want to be creatively. I can be creative about who I am and how I see the world. Creativity shapes me and is a core part of me.

Lastly, I value connection. From reading Brené Brown’s book, I learned that moments of joy are times of high vulnerability. When I make even the smallest connection with someone, it brings me joy. The range of connections can be from making a stranger laugh because they caught me dancing in my car at a red light to meeting someone that has similar experiences as me and we become lifelong friends. These are true examples that have happened. I like to notice the unnoticeable. I like connecting with someone by making them feel included. I allow myself to be seen when I make connections. I visually see connections as a little spark of light that is exchanged between me and the person I am connecting with. I value those moments and look forward to them because they normally catch me off guard.

All my values have something in common. All my values make me vulnerable. Vulnerability  allows us to be seen. It gives other people the courage to be seen.

I wrote this for my Leadership class I am taking. Hence the mention of leadership. I thought it was really cool having to rethink my values and noticing how they make me vulnerable. I did not see that connection until I wrote them down. I hope this blog posts challenges you to think about your own values. Figure out how they make you, you. My new slogan is “Live like You.” Be true to yourself and the values you hold.

Depression- My Ally

     Since I was in fourth grade, I started to notice (mostly because I have kept journals since then) that I had symptoms of perfectionism. My value and self-worth came from accomplishments. I wanted to please people. I strived really hard to do well and fell apart when I didn’t. I could never meet this unrealistic standard I had for myself.

My perfectionism only got worse when the stakes got higher. In middle school, my grades became important to me. My worth was measured by the grades I got. I would complain about anything less than 90’s. That included 89.

High school threw me into a whirlwind of emotions as I kept track of every tragic event that took place year after year. I built up armor against people. Lost my ability to feel connection because of fear of rejection. I felt lost more times than I can count. I have hated myself for not being able to be better. I faked it until I made it.

College finally broke me. I had to accept my first C as a passing grade. Talk about a knife to my perfectionism. I felt even more lost since I wasn’t defined by my grades anymore. I was just mindlessly surviving. Stressing over doing well enough to pass. Always feeling like my work wasn’t any good. Feeling stupid because I didn’t feel like my grades reflected my intelligence, but I also didn’t know how else to prove my intelligence.

My perfectionism also contributed to my depression. I’ve always thought of it as a dark storm cloud that follows me around or lingers in the background waiting to ruin any moment for me. Moments of happiness became opportunities for the dark cloud to come crashing in. It could come for the dumbest reasons. It could come unexpectedly. It would just rain in my head of negativity and I would sink into hating myself more.   

     I’ve tried thinking better. I’ve tried making bold statements about changing. I’ve sought help. I’ve investigated taking medicine. I’ve tried making healthier choices. All my trying has failed me. I am exhausted. I always give up and end up back in my dark hole feeling defeated. Exasperated by my inability to be happier or to truly make a lasting change.

     I give up. I am going to stop hating myself for something I cannot control. I am done thinking less of myself because I am depressed. I am going to hate myself and love myself. I will have good days and I will have bad days. I’m going to have moments of strong feelings and I am going to live through them like I always do.

     What has inspired this blog post is something actually really simple. I am a procrastinator. I hate that I am a procrastinator. I stress myself out until the moment I get something done. The example for this blog is a research paper I had due on 6/3/19. I started the research (which is the easy part for me) on 4/27/19. I started writing the paper 6/1 and finished 6/2. Had someone read over it and then did my second read 6/3. That’s right on the due date.

     My wise roommate and best friend told me to stop trying to mold myself into something I am not. I am a procrastinator, but I always get my work done. I always do well too. I may think my work is garbage, but I have passed all my classes. So clearly, I am not in the wrong for just working better under pressure. Sometimes I need that extra thrill to push me towards real genius.

     Either way, I am not going to fake it until I make it anymore. I am just going to be real with myself. I’m going to be honest to people about my views about life. I don’t get the hype. I’m here and I get my moments of happiness, but it will never be sunshine and rainbows for me and I’m actually okay with that.

     Seems odd that I’m saying depression is my ally, but honestly, I like it. It has caused me to think deeper and has made me have a more realistic view of life. I handle difficult situations with ease because of my strong conflict inside. I write cute songs and sad songs because I can be in touch with very opposing feelings, but also make it fun. I can comfort other people who seek my wisdom that stems from observations and learned behaviors. I can write these blog posts that people read even though I am not consistent in the slightest. You’ve probably noticed that I have gap months of no writing and some months of many writings.

     I can’t see myself being “Miss Sunshine,” but I’ll still make other people’s day brighter. I probably won’t always be optimistic. I don’t care though. I am really content with being imperfect. I’m extremely at peace with this idea of just letting things be as they are when they are them. I am not in a constant state of stress. I am not in a constant state of fear. I am slightly hindered in social settings, but people don’t make me happier so why should I keep forcing myself to socialize? I just have to keep it real.

     People constantly want to put everyone in boxes of right or wrong, black or white, this way or that way. Well, enough! I don’t want to be anything, but this mess of a person that I am. I am a reflector with a lot of thoughts compacted into a 5ft package. I am miserably happy. I am what I choose to be in this minute and tomorrow. It may never be the same, but I don’t care anymore. I’m just trying to figure out what it is to be me and truthfully, I’m not sure.

     What I do know is this, my depression isn’t my enemy. I am not my enemy. I keep fighting myself to be better, but I am not even sure what the end goal looks like. I feel miserable a lot and trying to change that by forcing myself to act differently than I’d naturally react hasn’t made me feel any less miserable.  

(Disclaimer) My blog post is not against self-improving. My blog post is against the pressures we put on people to be a certain way even if it’s not something they want to be. If you have a real goal for yourself that you believe that you can attain, go for it with all your being because that’s who you are. If you’re like me with no vision and you’re just running into what feels like a void, stop pushing yourself to “improve.” Just focus on being you whatever that looks like. You exist for a reason even if that means you want to binge watch Netflix for most of your life. What’s the difference? It’s your life. Live like you.