The Painting Isn’t Finished

Seven blog posts down, I wrote a post called This is Me. It has been my most read blog post amazingly. As I read over it, my life has changed a little since then. I felt a little guilty that I made such a strong statement about myself and not follow through with it. There is a saying that goes, “We make plans and God laughs” that seems very fitting for my life.

           

The thing that has changed since that blog post is my current career path. I mentioned in the blog post that “I am a caregiver for the elderly with Touching Hearts at Home. I have a passion to learn and observe human behavior which leads me to analyze my behavior as well as others around me.” During this time in my life, I was planning on switching my study from accounting into psychology. I like helping people who feel broken like I do/did. I really thought doing something drastically different than my current occupation would make me happier. Turns out, enough discouragement from external forces can cause a change of mind.

I am currently a Financial Analyst for a not-for-profit organization that helps other not-for-profits work with mental health patients, homeless people, people who struggle with addiction and so much more. Indirectly, I am helping people. Feels like I am a small cog in a huge machine, but I am grateful for the job I have.

I decided in January 2019 to get my MBA. Getting my masters is something neither of my parents did and only one of my four siblings has done. Instead of focusing in Accounting, I am just getting my degree in General Management. I’ll be graduating with my masters in December 2019. My goal for 2019 is almost accomplished.

During the tax season, I have been offered a second job doing taxes. Turns out, my mother’s interest in taxes has spilled over into me (she’s a CPA tax accountant). Both my parents are accountants if you didn’t know. Surprisingly, neither of them ever tried to force being an accountant on me. I actually chose that path on my own. I have worked two tax seasons before and have really enjoyed it.  

I am still really excited about what my future will bring. I plan to accrue more PTO and take more trips across the world and states. I am picking up old hobbies that I felt like I didn’t have time for (which includes blogging). I am optimistic. I am also thinking about becoming an Enrolled Agent which is a smaller licensing than becoming a CPA. I am slightly afraid of becoming bored when I have too much free time.  

So now that I have updated you on my current status of life, the reason my blog is titled the painting isn’t finished is because… I like making bold strokes. I sometimes paint with black lines defining an area of the painting that is my life. I like to make decisions that I think are going to be permanent and prominent. Thankfully, the painting of my life is not finished. Lines that I thought would be defining moments have become small details to a greater theme. I am open to change. I am open to using more colors and techniques on my painting. I am happy to be me even when it feels like the painting is really ugly.  

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” -George Bernard Shaw. As long as there is breath in my lungs, my painting isn’t finished. What a masterpiece it has the potential to be.

Thank you for reading my blog posts! I super appreciate the feedback. Connecting with people even in a small way through this blog makes my heart super happy. So, thank you all that have reached out to me. I hope more people comment. Even if you disagree with me. Let’s have a safe place to discuss our difference. All are welcome.

The Love I Deserve

I knew there was a reason I waited to write this post. I have finally become inspired. I have been inspired by my desire to stop a romantic relationship with someone I have been talking to for a month. I have been getting to know him in the pursuit of a real committed relationship. I wanted to see if I could do it.

First off, I would like to say that I am a queen. I want to be loved and taken care of a very specific way. I feel deserving of that kind of love and affection.

I am a feeler. I am motivated and act a lot based on my feelings. As much as I try to use logic, my feelings get the best of me. It comes in forms of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. All those things that happen, mean I am in a bad place. I don’t enjoy feeling those ways. Since I am super aware of my feelings, I use them as warning bells against bad decisions in my life or things that do not belong. They’re my intuition, and they work great.  

I have been in a really great place recently. I thought it had to do with the guy I was talking to. I was excited. I was exploring. I made the huge statement that he was the one after knowing him a day. I am that crazy romantic story person. I am totally aware of that. As I started thinking about letting this guy get to know me, I felt anxious. I did not feel comfortable sharing stuff about me. I felt lost.  

I never want to feel that way. It does not matter if he did things intentionally to make me feel that way or it is just the way he is, I felt those things. I am all that matters in that equation.

I NEVER want to feel ashamed of who I am. I NEVER want to feel uncomfortable being me. It should just feel natural. I should NEVER want to hide things or keep things to myself. For someone to actually know and love me, they have to accept everything. I should feel happy to say it. I should want to share who I am with that person without feeling like I have to change my core self for them.

Meeting someone new is like opening pandora’s box. You never know what crazy stuff is inside. How you handle stuff in the box is important to that relationship. You shame one part of the box, the whole box closes. If you love someone, they open their box proudly because they know you care enough to know it.

I say what’s on my heart and mind openly to anyone who wants to hear about it. I am proud to have lived my life. I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. I have come out better for it. I am proud of my scars. They do not just fade away because someone does not want to look at them. I have to be true to those scars. The moments that have made the core of me. I have learned a lot of hard lessons with those scars. They make me powerful. They make me love me.

I deserve to feel like a Queen. I deserve a King who adores me with every fiber of his being because that’s how fiercely I deserve to be loved. I want someone who takes care of themselves first. He will love the kind of love I have to offer, and he will match it. I won’t settle for less and it does feel impossible to ask for. But I will not settle. At the end of the day, I am the best person to love me. It is not a settlement. It is choosing me. I deserve love.