Connection

I’ve been trying to have meaningful connections with people. Often, I overthink interactions. I say I have social anxiety, but I’m starting to realize more and more why. 

There are huge unknown factors when interacting with people. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I don’t know what their history is. I don’t know how they interpret the world and the meaning of life. I don’t know if they have any spiritual or religious beliefs. I don’t know if they’re going to like me. I don’t know what kind of mood they’re in. I certainly don’t know how they’ll react to me. 

I try to choose my interactions with people carefully. I often don’t want to disturb the existence of others with my own. I try not to think of myself as too important that people should be forced to connect with me. There is a bit of a fear factor that I’m not interesting, smart, or deserving of connection, but sometimes I just don’t understand the rules of interacting with people. It stresses me out, and I crave isolation.

I used to think if I had a lot of people in my life, they would just want something from me. They’d take and take and take until there was nothing left of me. I always felt like the person who had to reach out cause if I didn’t, no one reached out to me. Yet, I still wanted connection. I still reached out. I’d still make plans with people. It wasn’t always easy, and plans would get canceled, but I did my best to be social even if it was painful. Luckily, I am learning about emotional boundaries and a new way of looking at connection.

Human life is fascinating to me. I truly wish I could study human behavior and be an expert on all things human. Unfortunately, the manual for human interaction doesn’t truly exist because we are all so different. Nothing human-related is this or that. 
So why do we do it? Why do we interact with each other? Why do we connect? What are our intentions when we see our friends or see our family? Or meet strangers?

I feel like the answers to those questions will be different for every person who reads this, but this is my thought:

The people I choose to be a part of my life is important to my growth. I am not all-knowing so having people in my life gives me access to knowledge.
I connect with people because I think humans are intriguing. I want to love and learn more about them. What it means to be human looks different on everyone. Finding the similarities and the difference is so cool. I love the uniqueness of how we all think or don’t. Cliché, connection gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I guess a sense of belonging.

Everyone is not going to want me around and that is 100% okay. Instead of trying to force myself into people’s lives, I will make my attempts to connect and if it’s not meant to be, I’ll move on. I also get to decide if the connection is worth holding on to. I have accepted the downfalls of trying to connect. I choose not to let fear be the reason I stop getting my warm fuzzy feeling.   

It is a superpower to connect with people. People who do it naturally are gifted. I commend them. If you are anything like me though, interacting with people may cause some anxiety.  

I’m going to tell you a secret… lean in… Interaction with people is scary. People are unpredictable. Don’t be so hard on yourself if interactions don’t come easy. They don’t need to be. Just be yourself. Everyone else is dealing with stuff too. Make yourself known, speak up, and be heard if you want to. Nothing says you have to engage. You are just as unpredictable as the person you might end up connecting with. You got this!