Guilty as Charged

It is a new month which means a new blog post. I hope this can be a fun distraction for people during this quarantined month and uncertain times. Though my topic may seem a little heavy. My title is kind of a hint. The topic is guilt.

I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now. It’s been exciting because she is someone I actually like and trust (which is very important when choosing a counselor). I was talking to her about what was going on in my life and she recognized a feeling in me; the feeling of guilt. Something I didn’t think about before but hit the nail right on the head.

She told me that guilt does not come from the Divine. Then she asked me, who feels guilty? I didn’t know how to answer. I assumed a lot of people. Turns out, people who feel guilty are often the real kind, helpful, and caring people. Then she asked me, who does not feel guilty? I responded, “psychopaths and murders.” Her response to this was, “yes, but not even that extreme. People who are takers, go getters, and a lot of really successful people don’t feel guilt.”

Reflecting on my own life, I feel guilty a lot. I feel guilty for existing. I feel guilty for making the smallest mistakes or coloring out of the lines. I feel guilty for doing things for myself or thinking what I want is more important than someone else. It’s exhausting, but I’m a people pleaser. When I mess up, the blunt of my anger is at myself. Even if I just lashed out at someone else, the person I am madder at is me.

As a little girl, I used to say the sinner’s prayer every time the invitation came because I believed that Jesus left me when I did something sinful. As an adult, though I’ve learned that wasn’t true about Jesus, the guilt of making mistakes made me feel like I deserved something bad when I did something wrong. That’s why self-harm was a coping skill I used to use.

I’m trying to work on myself to live a guilt-free life. Trust me when I say I feel guilty trying to do that because I still don’t know how. I’m not saying I won’t make mistakes. I’m going to fail repeatedly, but I’m trying to forgive myself quicker and apologize less for the things that just make me human.

I don’t need people to say sorry to me. I just want my boundaries to be respected and mistakes to be recognized and learned from. I want to live guiltless and full of grace. I know I’m going to get push back from this, but I think “I’m sorry” is a stupid phrase. It doesn’t mean anything unless people are willing to change and improve. Being sorry doesn’t mean you’ve learned anything.        

Maybe you have no idea what I am talking about in this blog post. Maybe you’re a guiltless person and just live your best life. Good for you! Please teach me your ways.

Maybe you’re like me before talking to my counselor and don’t realize you’re living guilty. In case you’re unsure, being overly guilty looks like saying “I’m sorry” a lot even if you did nothing wrong. You’re always the one to say sorry first. You’re the person who would throw yourself on the sword to make sure everyone else feels good. These traits aren’t bad, but they can be hindering you from your fullest potential.

The world is in chaos right now and no one is unaffected. This is the time when we should be giving ourselves the most grace. Instead of getting mad at yourself or feeling guilty about that piece of cake we just ate for lunch, show yourself love. Instead of feeling guilty for being overwhelmed by the number of people trapped in your house with you, tell everyone how much you love them and take some personal time in another room.

Guilt can create monsters out of really caring and loving people. Don’t feel guilty for needing things. Instead of feeling guilty and getting upset, take a step back and give yourself a hug. I’m serious. What would the world be like if we were guiltless? What if we chose grace over guilt? What if we chose kindness instead of anger? Think about it and know you are innocent.