Identify Me

How well do you want to know me? Your choices are the same as cooking meat.

1.     Rare- You hardly know me. You’ve seen my face, we are Facebook friends, and you double click or like my posts with very little thought after.

2.     Medium Rare- You can put together an idea of who I am based on my social media. You’ve had some interaction with me and wouldn’t be nervous to shoot me a dm. You’ll comment on a post or even shoot an “I miss you” comment on a photo.

3.     Medium Well- You know things about me that only people can learn by spending time with me. You’ve experienced my ramblings. It won’t matter how much time has passed, you’ll pick up the phone and call me when you miss me. Our conversations are easy. The moments we share are quality over quantity.

4.     Well Done- You have discovered more about me because you have seen me at my worst. The trust I share with you causes the worst kind of chasm when broken.

The choice of how well you know me is both my choice and yours. If I was to ask different people in my life to identify me with a few words and a couple of examples, I’d get different answers depending on who you ask. You might be thinking, “Uh does that mean you’re fake or different around different people?” At least, I want you to think that so I can continue with this blog post.

The answer is yes. I am a social chameleon. I’ll observe and read the room before I adapt to the role I’d like to play. Sometimes I choose to not interact with certain people. Sometimes I choose to say very little because I’d rather just listen. Sometimes I want to be the center of attention and get everything out that’s in my head. I’m not trying to be deceitful or trick anyone, but I can’t always be perfectly consistent.

I listened to a great audiobook called An Anonymous Girl by Greer Hendricks. In the book, the main character Jessica gets into an ethical and moral experiment run by a psychology Ph.D. professor Dr. Shields. Jessica goes into therapy with Dr. Shields and starts to become very aware of herself. Jessica started keeping secrets from her therapist. And that’s all I’m going to share about that book. Read or listen at your own leisure.

The thought about holding my own secrets started to excite me. There are things about myself I know that no one does. There are also things no one needs to know. That is my privilege. There are always things I can keep to myself. No one has the right to know everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I just want to take care of my own wounds or celebrate my own personal successes. We live in such an external world. Sometimes we forget about our inner sanctum.

I am thankful for all my external connections to this world. The people that have crossed my path, whether significantly or insignificantly, are all a part of my history. I like to believe we are all connected somehow and that matters.

Identify me based on the meat cooking scale. You can’t get to well done without staying in the heat longer.

My new blue AND purple hair! 

My Reason to be Brave

Someone once told me that they were not afraid of anything. I said, “that’s foolish. Fear is an important emotion that keeps us alert. Instead, be fearless because you have fear just less of it.”

I was thinking about patterns in my life. I’ve always needed a reason to be brave. I just don’t like doing things just because I can. I was going to try to become more independent, but my anxiety just got worse. I definitely became codependent on other people. I recognize this tendency in me. So, I’m trying to be less dependent.

Alora. My reason to be brave now is Ruby. Having Ruby gives me the courage to go on adventures. I would not feel safe venturing on my own. Having Ruby with me makes me excited to go places. I can’t take her everywhere and that is okay, but I really do love having a dog.

I’m going on a trip. A huge self-love trip. I’m taking Ruby, and I’m chasing the sun. I’m running towards a change of scenery. I’ve been feeling so trapped lately. Now there is literally nothing holding me back. I can bring my dog, and I can take a long road trip. I’m not being brave for just me. I’m also being brave for Ruby.

When I studied abroad, I had no intentions of traveling all around the world by myself. I’m way too small of a person. I’m terrified of being kidnapped. I can be pretty naïve too. But when I met Taylor (my roommate), we were brave together. I knew that I would kill someone to protect Taylor. If I was alone, I wouldn’t of left Florence. She was my reason to be brave. We had so much fun on our adventures.

I don’t think I’m brave. I can rise to the occasion, but I won’t do it for myself. I have gotten over many fears in order to take care of myself though. I used to have a lot of anxiety going grocery shopping and/or any kind of shopping. Now I am okay. I listen to music or just talk to myself. My mask covers me, so no one knows if I am on the phone or not.

I’m about to have a complete change. I’m really excited. I’m choosing these changes as an expression of who I am and who I hope to be. I’m getting new glasses! Also, I’m dyeing my hair blue! I don’t have a lot of hair. I am trying to grow it out. I also want to chop it all off. My incentive for keeping my hair is to make it blue. Purple is still my favorite color, but I don’t feel purple. I feel blue.

I feel pretty sad, but I also know that I’m going to get better. Moving forward instead of back. There is little that I can control. I’m really trying to channel my feelings through art. A new song, some artwork, more coloring, some writings, etc. Who knows? The opportunities are limitless. I may just sit in the sun and take a nap.