My Reason to be Brave

Someone once told me that they were not afraid of anything. I said, “that’s foolish. Fear is an important emotion that keeps us alert. Instead, be fearless because you have fear just less of it.”

I was thinking about patterns in my life. I’ve always needed a reason to be brave. I just don’t like doing things just because I can. I was going to try to become more independent, but my anxiety just got worse. I definitely became codependent on other people. I recognize this tendency in me. So, I’m trying to be less dependent.

Alora. My reason to be brave now is Ruby. Having Ruby gives me the courage to go on adventures. I would not feel safe venturing on my own. Having Ruby with me makes me excited to go places. I can’t take her everywhere and that is okay, but I really do love having a dog.

I’m going on a trip. A huge self-love trip. I’m taking Ruby, and I’m chasing the sun. I’m running towards a change of scenery. I’ve been feeling so trapped lately. Now there is literally nothing holding me back. I can bring my dog, and I can take a long road trip. I’m not being brave for just me. I’m also being brave for Ruby.

When I studied abroad, I had no intentions of traveling all around the world by myself. I’m way too small of a person. I’m terrified of being kidnapped. I can be pretty naïve too. But when I met Taylor (my roommate), we were brave together. I knew that I would kill someone to protect Taylor. If I was alone, I wouldn’t of left Florence. She was my reason to be brave. We had so much fun on our adventures.

I don’t think I’m brave. I can rise to the occasion, but I won’t do it for myself. I have gotten over many fears in order to take care of myself though. I used to have a lot of anxiety going grocery shopping and/or any kind of shopping. Now I am okay. I listen to music or just talk to myself. My mask covers me, so no one knows if I am on the phone or not.

I’m about to have a complete change. I’m really excited. I’m choosing these changes as an expression of who I am and who I hope to be. I’m getting new glasses! Also, I’m dyeing my hair blue! I don’t have a lot of hair. I am trying to grow it out. I also want to chop it all off. My incentive for keeping my hair is to make it blue. Purple is still my favorite color, but I don’t feel purple. I feel blue.

I feel pretty sad, but I also know that I’m going to get better. Moving forward instead of back. There is little that I can control. I’m really trying to channel my feelings through art. A new song, some artwork, more coloring, some writings, etc. Who knows? The opportunities are limitless. I may just sit in the sun and take a nap.