Let Your

Let your test be your testimony. Let your mess be your message. Let your light shine.

I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I am doing my best to do what I feel I am called to do. Sometimes when you are passionate about your calling, you have to let go of all the things or people that want to stop you.

I am living my truth. I share things on this blog because it is my mess that I want to use as my message. Without recognizing pain, we cannot make it better. Without exposing the dirt, it cannot be cleaned.

I don’t care what religious background you come from. I don’t care what belief you carry with you to survive this life. You are welcome. My love does not discriminate, and I won’t tell you how to live your life. All I can do is share my truth.

My goal is not to shame anyone. I don’t like being mean. I am great at it, but I’d rather be loving. If you are moved by my blog posts, I’d love to hear your feelings about it. Whether you disagree, don’t understand, feel conviction, or you’re just drawn to know more. That is my goal. Start conversations. I am a nobody. My words hold no power unless given.

I had to learn that for myself. Not everyone has something to say that I need to hear. No one controls how I feel. I am going to listen to my feelings. If I don’t feel happy around an individual, I don’t care about their feelings, I’m out. If this person holds a place of value to me, I will confront them. If they don’t want to listen or actually have a conversation with me then I will block. I don’t have time to be fighting with people. My mission is to draw people in and love them. I have no other agenda. Your convictions are just that… Yours. Please do not cast your shame or burdens on me. I am not Jesus.

Jesus did tell us to cast our cares upon Him. We can’t do that though unless we first humble ourselves. Ask yourself, what part did I play in the pain? Ask yourself, what am I afraid of people knowing about me? We need to stop treating sin like it is something worthy of hiding or holding on to. If you fill a garbage can with garbage and never bring it to the curb for sanitation to take, you may have a clean house, but it is still full of garbage.   

I may make a fool of myself admitting to my brokenness, but the Jesus I serve was displayed naked, torn apart, and bloody on a cross so that I didn’t have to pretend I am perfect or struggle with sin anymore. He died so that sin has NO HOLD ON ME! You cannot shame me for my sins. “Who among you have not sinned? Cast the first stone.”- Jesus and He says that for everyone.  

Let your garbage (anxieties, worries, sin, shame, feeling unworthy, striving for perfection, depression) go to sanitation. If you need someone to help you uncover the garbage you’re hoarding, I’d love to bring you to Jesus. I know I make it sound so easy, but it is. I am living proof of it.

Welcome to the new gospel according to Christa Lily. God has called me to this moment. I am in Christ and therefore I am a new creation. I will continue to walk in my freedom under any circumstance. I hope you will join me and walk in His marvelous light.  

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God [set aside self-righteous pride], so that He may exalt you [to a place of honor in His service] at the appropriate time, casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection and watches over you very carefully].  

I'm Only Human

I’ve finally done it. I stood up to my greatest bully of all. As innocent as she will cry to be, I do not apologize for my actions. I got angry.

I got scary angry to a point where I didn’t even recognize my own voice. I got so angry, I scared Ruby. That is the one thing I am sorry for. Having Ruby have to see me like that. Having to witness anyone screaming out in anger, hurt, frustration, and just complete doneness is a lot for any living creature.

I grew up in an emotionally unstable house. Most of us do because before the internet parents just had a “learn as you go” parenting method. I don’t blame my parents, and I have no grudges towards them, but with knowledge comes understanding and freedom.

My life was not perfect. Many people assumed the best of my family because we are genuinely good people. But behind closed doors, our behavior did not match how we treated strangers. There was a gap between how we were perceived to how we treated each other.

I remember explosive screaming behavior my whole childhood. My mother would bottle up the small irritating things my father would do as he would stay silent about whatever was bothering him. Then over what seemed like the smallest incidence, an eruption would occur of anger between them. The house would be divided, and silence would fill the air.

These were the dark secrets I held onto. I am not great at managing my emotions. I am a VERY and I mean VERY emotional person. My least favorite emotion is uncontrolled anger. I would rather let someone walk all over me then confront them if I think talking to them would bring explosive rage. I’m not saying it is the right way to live. I’m just saying I am guilty of doing this.

The difference this time for my volcanic eruption is that I’m not sorry for it. I don’t feel wrong about what I did or even for what I said. I’ve sat quietly in the background and took on other people’s emotions instead of standing up for myself long enough.

I was screaming, but the person refused to listen to me (literally put music on). I was loud because the person stopped seeing me, so I wanted them to hear that I am here. I literally fell to my knees in the fetal position and cried, but they didn’t see me because they wouldn’t open their door. They gave me an empty threat of means things they could say to me, but when I asked them to share they refused to acknowledge me.

I can’t read minds. I am trying to heal and become the master of my own mind. I am giving of myself in ways that feel energizing and truly living my best life, but they don’t know about it. They know nothing about me because even though we live in the same place, they have no time for me. I try to ask about their day, I get short answers with a quick dash to their bedroom. They have no interest in me; I still don’t understand why.  

Our parents try to make it better by telling me to wait until things get better for them. Things will change when their circumstances are better. Unfortunately, I don’t accept abusive behaviors from people even if they are my family members or going through rough times. My life doesn’t cater to other people’s needs because it is an inconvenience to them that I clean up and organize our shared living space.  

I do my best to live the way I want to be treated. I shut down misogynistic comments, I cry with people who have lost loved ones, and I buy birthday presents for neighbors. I try to spread joy everywhere I go because I am truly filled with so much of it I feel like I could explode. And then I come home to someone ungrateful, disrespectful, self-absorbed, and rude to me.

I am only human. I will not take shit from anyone. If you’re not my dog, I’m not picking up and carrying your shit. That is my standard for how any human treats me.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

A few ways to know you are in an abusive relationship: 

·       You feel hesitant or worried about sharing anything with them. This includes feelings, passions, victories, hardships, asking for what you want or need.

·       You are often making excuses for them saying things like “well they only treat me that way when they’re ____.” “They only got upset because I got upset.” “The good outweighs the bad.” “They have never physically hurt me.”

·       You only tell your friends negative things about them. This includes complaining about all the behaviors you dislike about them. It also includes telling your friends about all the nice things you do for them and feeling like they don’t return that.

·       You allow negative behavior because you have given them a list of things to do if they upset you to make up for it. If they accomplish a simple task on the list, they still deserve your loyalty even though there is no change of behavior.

·       You wish you had more physical connection but feel like you are holding back because they do not initiate or want it.

·       You want less physical connection but feel pressured or uncomfortable when they force it on you.

·       They are condescending to you in any way shape or form. This includes mocking you about your weight or body shape; telling you how you should dress or look; belittling things that matter to you; not celebrating your accomplishments; making you feel lesser of a person.

·       You are constantly afraid of them leaving. Your friends have heard you say things like “When they leave.” “If they leave.” “I hope they don’t leave.” “Do you think they’ll leave?”

·       The relationship is easily threatened.

·       They are overly protective of you and do not want you hanging out with other people or making friends.

·       The energy you spend on them outweighs how much energy they spend on you or how much energy you spend on yourself.

·        They apologize a lot, but you never see a difference in behavior.

·       They never apologize because they are convinced or convince you, they did nothing wrong.

·        They do not respect your things.

·        They complain, but do not thank you for kind gestures.

·        They demand things from you.

·        They lie to your face when you know the truth.  

·        You have different standards for how they treat you than you would allow someone else to be treated. 

This is not just for romantic relationships. Read that list again and apply it to your friend group. 

If any of these bullet points made you think for even a second: “Am I in an abusive relationship?” The answer is 100% yes.

You have two options: Stay and hope they change OR leave and learn to value yourself because you are worthy of so much more.

If you are in serious danger, please call 911, reach out to a friend, or contact me on Facebook. I will get you the help you need if you reach out. You are not alone. It is not easy to leave an abuser, but it is possible to be a survivor of abuse.   

The bar is low. The standards for how we let other people treat us reveals the standard we have for ourselves. People do not understand their own worth. This does not excuse abusers. My message is for the ones being abused.

We will never believe the love that we have until we know what love is. If we are constantly picking at every imperfection, setting impossible standards, believing the bare minimum about ourselves, and hating our reflection- how can we possibly believe someone could love us? We have been trained to hate ourselves. 

We value ourselves in the eyes of strangers and wonder if we will ever be good enough.

I scream, ENOUGH!

No one will tell me whether or not I am beautiful- I am.

No one will tell me that I’m too this or too that- I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

No one will tell me how I should look or express myself- I hold my spotlight.

I never understood affirmations until I believed them. I wanted to live in a world where people were kind, and I could love freely. I always imagined I was damming up my love because the world didn’t want it. I kept being in relationships with people who rejected, smothered, and shut me down. 

I will take my share of the blame. If you want to tell me it's my fault. But the only blame I'll take was not realizing how valuable I am. A mistake, I will never make again.

Since I have undammed my love, I live in a world where people are loving and kind. I give out sincere compliments of love and affirmation and in return, I get the same amount of love and affirmation back. I don’t have to lower my standards of how I deserve to be treated. The people who are drawn to love, rise to the occasion.   

I am living the way I want to be treated because I treat myself that way every day. I am giving kindness out like confetti. Showering people with love like water. Uplifting people who I admire. I am living my best life! 

Love is free. Trust is earned. Boundaries are mandatory.

Say it loud and say it proud. These are the standards humanity needs to live by.

Love and appreciate yourself. You are amazing and no one needs to tell you that. Just live it 😊

Magic in Mundane

I’ll be the first to admit, I was living in a bubble of misery. I would complain about my life, I felt unhappy with my life choices, I regretted most interactions with people, and I was full of anxiety. I thought as an adult I would just grow out of my anxiety and depression, but the reality is they grew with me.

January 21^st, 2021 is a date where my entire world shattered. Sounds dramatic, but it felt on that day that it was the most life-altering earthquake. I was attacked and dismissed by a person who I called my best friend. To make matters worse, my other best friend sided with them. In a single moment, I lost my two best friends.

I had to get out of town, so I asked my dear friend Taylor if she wouldn’t mind me spending the last three weeks of February with her. She, a true friend, was thrilled at the idea. I tried to find Airbnbs where I could also bring my dog Ruby with me. Unfortunately, a lot of my options were limited due to COVID, so I asked Taylor’s parents if they wouldn’t mind housing me. To my delight, they were happy to have me and Ruby.

While staying in NC, I mentioned I learned things about myself. Another thing I learned is finding magic in the mundane. Living with Taylor’s family made me realize that I don’t tell the people in my life enough how much I love them. Somehow, I had let myself get so caught up in what I thought were mundane life rituals that I forgot to see the magic in it. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

I have to take the garbage out at my house. I used to do it grudgingly because I was the only person who did it. In NC, without a second thought, if the garbage was too full, I’d take it out and put a new bag in the container. One time, Taylor’s dad caught me. He was thankful for something I didn’t think twice about doing. Doing a mundane act for someone who appreciates it makes it less of a chore and more of a delight.

Now the best part about this is that I don’t need to do anything for anyone. I can take out the garbage in my house because I enjoy living in a clean space. I get to be grateful that I can even make garbage because I am alive. Making a mess and cleaning it up isn’t a punishment. Sometimes I truly felt that way; afraid to make a mess because I would also have to be the one to clean it up. But picking up after myself isn’t a chore now. It is a delight that I am free to express myself and take care of myself with so much love.

My mother put it best when she said, “you act like you’ve been set free.” She’s not wrong. I finally understand the teachings of my childhood. I’ve finally met the Jesus who says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burden, and I will give you rest.” There is so much more to my story, but you’ll have to keep reading my blogs to know it. 

For now, I leave you with this. You are worthy of love. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are enough just as you are. Choose freedom over fear. Choose peace over chaos. Listen to the still small voice. I love because I am loved.

Motivation

I spent the last three weeks of February in North Carolina. While I was there, I learned a lot about myself. One thing I learned is what motivates me. I am motivated by my feelings. Now that may seem simplistic, but I like to explain myself, so this blog post is going to be longer than a statement.

People are motivated by different things-obviously. Some people are motivated by money, by praise, rewards, attention, etc. Knowing what motivates you is a really important life skill. Life can get very difficult at times; there are moments you need to be motivated to just get out of bed. Do you know what motivates you?

As sappy as this sounds, I am motivated by love. I will bend over backward for the people that I love. I will become the most helpful human being when I am overflowing with love. I will do the tasks that no one else wants to do if I love you. I will wake up at the crack of dawn and become a morning person because I love my dog.

Knowing this about myself is life-changing. Now, I can be on guard because someone could take advantage of my love. It was so sweet of my host while I was in NC, I told them I am happy to help always. Their response was “I know, and I won’t take advantage of that.” It caught me off guard. I never thought they would but having them say it just made me love them more and want to do anything for them.

Something else I started doing while in NC was working out. I learned that my body starts losing muscle at 30. If I don’t start building up muscle now, my body will deplete itself the older I get and take away from the muscle I need. Though I can build up muscle when I’m older, it will be harder. I’ve never been good at keeping up with exercising. I’d lose motivation. But I have new motivation now.

I choose to love myself. I am newly motivated to take care of my body not because it will make me look better, but because I love my body. I love my body so much, I want to go to sleep at a decent hour so that I can be healthy. I love myself so much, I am motivated to do those chores that used to annoy me.

Even though I was not reckless in NC, I came back with Covid. I have been lovingly nursing myself back to health. I’m drinking lots of water, resting a lot, and staying home. I was really looking forward to getting into the swing of my new life full of love, but instead, I am reminded of the importance to be still. You’d think isolation would make me bored, but it has only made me reflective and grateful.

I love my life. I love the amazing people who are in it. I love my dog so much. My life is full of love and when I dwell in that love, I am motivated to take on anything.