What has Changed?

I’d like to start off by answering the title of this blog. A lot has changed, and it wasn’t overnight. It has been a long and sometimes painful process, and I don't think I'm done either. I’d like to tell you a little bit about it.

For the last 5 years, I took a sabbatical from my faith. I blamed God for the death of my uncle, and I just couldn’t understand what God’s problem was with me. I couldn’t seem to catch a break. Emotionally, I was up and down. I felt hopeless countless of times. In the year 2017, I began living for myself. I kept God as background noise or potential option if I was ever in a real pickle. I could switch my God talk on and off. I had been trained since birth to be a follower of Jesus, and yet when push came to shove, I ran off.

I always loved the story of the prodigal son. Quick recap of the story. Son wants his inheritance early, leaves his father’s beautiful, bountiful, lavished home, and heads off on his own. The son, not long after, squanders all the wealth he had. Finding himself eating the garbage leftovers with pigs, the son thinks it is better to head back home and be a servant of his father’s. The son rehearses his apology speech over and over as he approaches his father’s house. The Father sees his son off in the distance and begins running towards him. The Father doesn’t even give time for the son to give his apology speech. He is hugging him and kissing him and weeping over his lost son returned. The Father even prepares a feast.

I was that prodigal daughter. I wanted the perfection of Heaven on Earth, and I wanted God to do things my way. He didn’t give me what I asked for, so I left. I was angry, confused, and broken. I did stupid things to show my independence from God. I just kept making things worse for myself. I ignored my gut feelings and made decisions that costed me my peace and so much more.

So, what has changed? Did you ever pray God would give you a sign? Cause I did, and He gave me a literal sign. It was February of 2021, and I was driving home from an amazing three week trip in North Carolina with my best friend. I was passing a church called Jesus Time Tabernacle. The reason all these details are important is because I made a video talking to Jesus telling him that I didn’t know him, and I didn’t trust him. I told Jesus if he actually existed to make himself known to me. Only an hour and a few minutes later, I passed a billboard that said “Concerned? Jesus can be trusted”.

It was a literal sign that started my journey back to my Heavenly Father’s arms. Now I didn’t run back. I still had my hesitation and lack of faith. But God kept drawing me closer and closer.

My mom asked me if I wanted to be a part of a Healing Journey class starting in September of 2021. Personally, I didn’t want to pay for it, but I was open to doing it. I felt so broken as I continued to mess my life up that I needed something. It was the best birthday gift she could have given me. God began the healing work he’d been wanting me to seek out. He revealed Himself to me in ways I could digest. I had an amazing group of ladies that I felt I could trust and be vulnerable with.

I have been changed. If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away, look for the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) I’ve been made new again by my loving, welcoming, and gracious Heavenly Father. God always knew I couldn’t run too far from Him. He always had a grip on my life. I’m done fighting His will for me. I’m just trusting that God is good, and He knows best. Even when I can’t see it, even when I don’t understand, and even when I don’t get what I want, God is good.