I am in awe of the great things that are happening in my life and in the lives of people around me. Every day, I get to anticipate what God is going to teach me or show me that will amaze me.
June was a pivotal month for me in 2021. It was when my reality was based on fear, scarcity, anxiety, depression, recklessness, false carelessness, and selfish behavior. I found out I had created life inside of me and instead of joy it brought me pain. The choice was set before me: life or death. I chose death because that is what I wanted for my life. I wish I had never been born. I wished I never had to suffer the way I felt I did. Emotionally helpless and physically paying for it. My focus was on me, me, me. No one else and nothing else mattered. That was the pit I dug for myself. The hole I crawled into.
God did not leave me even when I was in my darkest moments. As much as I wanted to believe I could run away from Him, nothing was ever going to snatch me from His hands. In my darkest days, God gave me hope. A Bible study called The Healing Journey that was starting in September. My mom even offering this opportunity to me sparked hope in me. I was desperate for something to save me. I had tried counseling, medication, meditation, and self-help books, but nothing changed me. I still felt depression lingering over me like a dark cloud. I still wished to not exist when things got hard. I reverted always to self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. BUT maybe this Bible study. BUT maybe God could save me. That was hope.
As I did the hard work to search after God and understand my beliefs about Him, layers of healing began. It was slow. I even wrote a song during this time called Slowly because God was slowly working on my heart. As my hope in God grew, so did my faith.
Faith is complete trust or confidence in someone or something. When I truly put my faith in God, that’s when true change happened. I started taking God seriously at His word and because of that I live a more bold, courageous, and favored life. Don’t get me wrong, my life is not perfect. Bad things still happen to me, but I have a new outlook on every situation.
Instead of wallowing in defeat when something bad happens, I get to fall into love. Love learns. Love grows. Love nurtures. Love hopes. Sometimes I love so much, it makes me blind. I fall for cons when it looks like helping someone in need. This recently happened to me at an ESL atm in the city. I want to share awareness because they were just a couple of kids not much older than me. They hang around ATMs to prey on kind people to steal from them. Part of my mistake was ignorance of how the ATMs and the check depositing process work. I have definitely learned an expensive life lesson.
It is ironic because I started this blog post before that event happened, but now I get to put what I’m writing into practice. I was beating myself up about this for two days. The day I found out I was scammed and the day after. I could have chosen to linger in my self-hatred and beat myself up about how stupid I feel for not just leaving when I could have. I can waste head space on the what if’s and the should have’s, but I just accept reality. I choose to believe that God has something better for me. I choose to love myself.
I am not lesser because I make mistakes. I make mistakes and I learn from them. Only when I choose to love myself can I choose to see the lesson I’m learning.
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