So once upon a time, I had a boyfriend. I gave this boyfriend all my love, all the free time I could give, and bought him super cool gifts. I thought we were happily in love with some regular relationship issues. I thought he was honest with me and a better version of himself when he was with me. I thought we would live happily ever after together. The reality of this tale is that he was the worst. Calling him the worst may sound harsh, but truly I am putting it nicely.
It is always hard when you put a lot of effort into a relationship and it comes to an end, even if it is for the better. Sure the majority of my relationship was bad without me realizing it until June of last year, but there were some good times I can sometimes think fondly of. The truth is, there is always heartbreak after a loss.
Like a true accountant, I use historical data to help me predict the future. So far, my historical data on relationships is a complete and total fail of a disaster. The idea of being in a relationship with someone gives me so much anxiety. Settling down and being committed to one person scares me to the convent. Somehow it is hard for me to overcome this anxiety and fear I have. I’m sure there are good people out there. I’m sure maybe someone could tolerate the real me if I allowed them the opportunity, but I don’t know how. All I can feel is history repeating itself and I will not be dumb enough to let it.
My best friend made an amazing comment in a group message we have with our other best friend. Here is some context before I share it:
I had two bad dreams in a row about my ex. I shared that information with them and proceeded to explain how I use him as an excuse to push people away. Her response is that I need to take charge and live life like he never happened. She said to stop thinking about the past because I was going to miss the future. And then she made this comment:
“We still have so much of our lives to find someone, but we have to do everyone a favor including ourselves and let go of the ones who did us wrong. What happened to us is not going to change, but it doesn’t control us now. We still have unwritten pages to fill with love and heartbreak. The only way you’ll truly be alone is if you stop trying.”
Heartbreak is not easy, but without it, we would never really know if we’ve ever found love. A cliché saying by Alfred Lord Tennyson is “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” We are beings that were designed to love.
Truthfully, I do not think we can only find the best love in a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship or even a marriage. Love can be in any relationship you have with another human being. I may not be ready to date again, but I do not want to miss out on the opportunities to love and be heartbroken again. When your heart breaks it just means, you've loved deeply. There’s nothing wrong with that. Love and heartbreak are a part of truly living life. Don’t use heartbreak as an excuse not to love and don’t use love to stop you from making hard decisions that might break your heart.
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