I Choose to Forgive

How many have been hurt by another human being? How many have felt the heartbreak of rejection? How many have been wrongfully accused or wrongfully outcasted? How many have been told they are not good enough? How many have felt like when it rains it pours? How many feel like the universe is out to get them? I know I have felt all those things. I have been hurt by other people whether it was called for or not. I know what it’s like to feel like a victim. A victim of unfortunate events, of heartbreak, and of wrath. 

I do a lot of thinking. I over analyze and replay memories I have. I have documented the times I’ve been wrongfully hurt by others. I’ve recorded and stored in my mind the times when I felt like I deserved to be hurt. I have worn my scars like badges. I have experienced my life through the eyes of a victim. I have written my life story using the lenses of terrible events.

There is a song by Train called Bruises. It’s a cute duet that talks about how bruises make for better conversations. The events of our lives make us interesting. You are probably more prone to listen to the person telling an interesting story about themselves than someone telling a story that happened to someone else. I’m always interested in hearing the stories of how people got scars on their body or the meaning behind tattoos.

The point of this is that the majority of people go through hard times. Majority of people have probably been hurt by another human. The difference between me and maybe someone else who has been hurt is that I hold onto my hurts like a victim. I want to be cuddled and pitied. I want to be considered interesting or special because of what I’ve been through.

I’m calling myself out as pathetic. I have allowed myself to pretend that I’m better than someone else because I have experienced these hurts in my life. The truth is that I’m not better than anyone else. There are people who have gone through so much worse than me and they are happy. I have held my hurts and refused to forgive those who have wronged me. I have added the hurts to my collection to see when someone would be interested in hearing about them. I have lived in my past and have expected bad things to happen for my future. 

No more! I am making a change in my own mind. I am making a stance against myself. No longer will I see myself as better than someone else because I have suffered hurts of this life. No more will I hold onto these grudges against people for being imperfect. I am just as imperfect as the next person. 

I want to be forgiven when I do something wrong. I want to be seen as more than my hurts and my mistakes. If I expect other people to forgive me, I need to be the one to start forgiving! I believed I lived a miserable existence because I chose to believe that I deserved better than what this world could offer. The problem with this thinking is that I will always be disappointed.

I want to believe my issues are external. I want to believe that someone else can cure me. I so desperately want to do nothing but get different results. But all those things are unrealistic! I understand this now. I’m finally ready to admit that my problems are my fault. I have dug my grave and laid in it.

Now I’m not perfect, so as big as I write, I’m sure I will fall back into my grave at some point in time. It’s not easy to change your mindset, but I’m on the journey to. I’ve got my whole life to figure this thing out. So here I go. I choose to forgive. Forgive the people who have hurt me and to forgive myself.

I don’t want to take score on how many bad things can happen in my life. I just want to keep score on how often I truly learn and improve myself with every situation I handle in this life. I choose to forgive and move forward.