The Painting Isn’t Finished

Seven blog posts down, I wrote a post called This is Me. It has been my most read blog post amazingly. As I read over it, my life has changed a little since then. I felt a little guilty that I made such a strong statement about myself and not follow through with it. There is a saying that goes, “We make plans and God laughs” that seems very fitting for my life.

           

The thing that has changed since that blog post is my current career path. I mentioned in the blog post that “I am a caregiver for the elderly with Touching Hearts at Home. I have a passion to learn and observe human behavior which leads me to analyze my behavior as well as others around me.” During this time in my life, I was planning on switching my study from accounting into psychology. I like helping people who feel broken like I do/did. I really thought doing something drastically different than my current occupation would make me happier. Turns out, enough discouragement from external forces can cause a change of mind.

I am currently a Financial Analyst for a not-for-profit organization that helps other not-for-profits work with mental health patients, homeless people, people who struggle with addiction and so much more. Indirectly, I am helping people. Feels like I am a small cog in a huge machine, but I am grateful for the job I have.

I decided in January 2019 to get my MBA. Getting my masters is something neither of my parents did and only one of my four siblings has done. Instead of focusing in Accounting, I am just getting my degree in General Management. I’ll be graduating with my masters in December 2019. My goal for 2019 is almost accomplished.

During the tax season, I have been offered a second job doing taxes. Turns out, my mother’s interest in taxes has spilled over into me (she’s a CPA tax accountant). Both my parents are accountants if you didn’t know. Surprisingly, neither of them ever tried to force being an accountant on me. I actually chose that path on my own. I have worked two tax seasons before and have really enjoyed it.  

I am still really excited about what my future will bring. I plan to accrue more PTO and take more trips across the world and states. I am picking up old hobbies that I felt like I didn’t have time for (which includes blogging). I am optimistic. I am also thinking about becoming an Enrolled Agent which is a smaller licensing than becoming a CPA. I am slightly afraid of becoming bored when I have too much free time.  

So now that I have updated you on my current status of life, the reason my blog is titled the painting isn’t finished is because… I like making bold strokes. I sometimes paint with black lines defining an area of the painting that is my life. I like to make decisions that I think are going to be permanent and prominent. Thankfully, the painting of my life is not finished. Lines that I thought would be defining moments have become small details to a greater theme. I am open to change. I am open to using more colors and techniques on my painting. I am happy to be me even when it feels like the painting is really ugly.  

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” -George Bernard Shaw. As long as there is breath in my lungs, my painting isn’t finished. What a masterpiece it has the potential to be.

Thank you for reading my blog posts! I super appreciate the feedback. Connecting with people even in a small way through this blog makes my heart super happy. So, thank you all that have reached out to me. I hope more people comment. Even if you disagree with me. Let’s have a safe place to discuss our difference. All are welcome.

The Love I Deserve

I knew there was a reason I waited to write this post. I have finally become inspired. I have been inspired by my desire to stop a romantic relationship with someone I have been talking to for a month. I have been getting to know him in the pursuit of a real committed relationship. I wanted to see if I could do it.

First off, I would like to say that I am a queen. I want to be loved and taken care of a very specific way. I feel deserving of that kind of love and affection.

I am a feeler. I am motivated and act a lot based on my feelings. As much as I try to use logic, my feelings get the best of me. It comes in forms of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. All those things that happen, mean I am in a bad place. I don’t enjoy feeling those ways. Since I am super aware of my feelings, I use them as warning bells against bad decisions in my life or things that do not belong. They’re my intuition, and they work great.  

I have been in a really great place recently. I thought it had to do with the guy I was talking to. I was excited. I was exploring. I made the huge statement that he was the one after knowing him a day. I am that crazy romantic story person. I am totally aware of that. As I started thinking about letting this guy get to know me, I felt anxious. I did not feel comfortable sharing stuff about me. I felt lost.  

I never want to feel that way. It does not matter if he did things intentionally to make me feel that way or it is just the way he is, I felt those things. I am all that matters in that equation.

I NEVER want to feel ashamed of who I am. I NEVER want to feel uncomfortable being me. It should just feel natural. I should NEVER want to hide things or keep things to myself. For someone to actually know and love me, they have to accept everything. I should feel happy to say it. I should want to share who I am with that person without feeling like I have to change my core self for them.

Meeting someone new is like opening pandora’s box. You never know what crazy stuff is inside. How you handle stuff in the box is important to that relationship. You shame one part of the box, the whole box closes. If you love someone, they open their box proudly because they know you care enough to know it.

I say what’s on my heart and mind openly to anyone who wants to hear about it. I am proud to have lived my life. I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. I have come out better for it. I am proud of my scars. They do not just fade away because someone does not want to look at them. I have to be true to those scars. The moments that have made the core of me. I have learned a lot of hard lessons with those scars. They make me powerful. They make me love me.

I deserve to feel like a Queen. I deserve a King who adores me with every fiber of his being because that’s how fiercely I deserve to be loved. I want someone who takes care of themselves first. He will love the kind of love I have to offer, and he will match it. I won’t settle for less and it does feel impossible to ask for. But I will not settle. At the end of the day, I am the best person to love me. It is not a settlement. It is choosing me. I deserve love.

Comparisons Are Not Complements

Recently, someone said something to me that upset me enough to inspire a blog post. I know I haven’t written in a while but being a full-time employee and masters student takes up a lot of my time. (So does watching The Office)

The comment made was, “You are more attractive than your friend.” Maybe there is someone out there that would take this as a complement, but obviously, I do not. I felt so strongly about it that I educated the person who said it.

Background of comment: The person who made this comment annoys me. He says a lot of shallow things. The comments that bother me the most are the ones he makes about body shape and appearances. Both in my opinion are superficial things and sensitive topics. I have struggled with positive body image. Most females do because we are told by stupid idiots, like the guy who made the comment, that we are supposed to be shaped and look a certain way. My body is healthy, and it looks the way it looks. Don’t like it? Someone else will. I live with my body every day and it does the jobs it needs to do. End of story. Now to digest the comment.

First off: Comparisons are not complements. The only time a comparison is a complement is when stated “I love you more than chocolate cake.” “You are smarter than a fish.” The minute you turn it into a comparison to another person, the complement is lost in the noise of your insult. People are all different. Comparing them does not make sense when trying to say something nice about them. There are appropriate uses for comparison. Businesses can compare candidates for a job position. Stuff like that, but not for complements. It takes away from the sweetness of the complement. It takes away the focus of the complement. If you are complementing me, do not add someone else to the mix.

Second off: Attractiveness is an opinion of an individual. No one can be the overall judge of who is attractive or not. If you are attracted to me, that’s great. Just say, “I find you attractive.” It is rude to compare my attractiveness to someone else. The worst part about his comment was that it was about my friend. My friend is a curvy woman. She is gorgeous. I felt like he made that comment because she is not a twig. If we had the same body shape and he made that comment about my friend, I feel like it could have been a way of saying “you’re more my type than she is.” It would have been less rude and obnoxious. All things considered; it would still be an unnecessary thing to say.

Third off: Why would you insult my friend? If the comment was made about some random girl on the street, it could have been less offensive. I’m glad you are not attracted to my friend but wording it like that makes it sound like she is ugly, and she is not. So, guys or girls, do not insult a person’s friends that you are flirting with. Do they have an insecurity problem? Do they need to be reminded that you are more attracted to them than their friends? If that is the case, you should try complementing them with specific complements tailored towards them and leave their friends out of your conversations. If they are still suspicious about your interactions with their friends, find someone else because this person needs to have some confidence before they settle for just anyone. Or maybe you are more interested in the friend. You should be honest with yourself and the person and leave them alone.

Fourth and final off: Do not just say words to people. If you are attracted to someone, hang out with them in person and don’t just text them all the time and call them. I do not care how many women you think I am more attractive than. If you do not back up your words with actions, your words are just words. They are stupid pointless comments.

I do not want to go into more detail about the last send off. The takeaway is, love yourself. No one should out love you. You cannot have true value if you do not deem yourself worthy of it. There is not a significant person out there that can give you all the love that you need. Eventually, you will have to take ownership of the kind of love you deserve. Maybe that’s a blog for another day. So, stay true to yourself. #livelikeyou      

Vulnerability in my Values

Growing up, I was told that I was a leader. I was headstrong and loved taking charge. In grade school, I was able to get some of the girls in my class to use recess as a time to make up dances. I enjoyed leading worship in middle school and teaching chapel. People tended to gravitate towards me to give them advice or be there for them during difficult times.

I love being there for people. I like guiding them through challenges. I like supporting them on decisions they make when I feel it benefits them. Leadership to me was a background job. I was a self-proclaimed leader. No one would aimlessly follow me, but they knew they could count on me when it matters the most. I never want people to feel forced or manipulated into taking my advice or following my lead. I just want to be helpful and that is what leadership is to me. It is a way of helping people. The reason I choose to think of leadership the way I do is because of my values. I have a few life driving values. They are trust, loyalty, creativity, and connection.

I have a hard time trusting people, but I have a strong desire to be trustworthy. If I cannot be trusted, then I have no business leading. I want someone to know without a doubt that the advice I give or the actions I take are to their best interest. When I fail to do so because I am thinking selfishly, I know I am hurting people’s ability to trust me. I have been hurt in the past because my trust in someone was broken. It is very difficult to mend broken trust. That is why I value trust so highly. When I trust someone, I give them full access to my heart. It is the most vulnerable I can be.

Trust is followed by loyalty. Being loyal to someone is not pledging an oath. Loyalty is never giving up on someone through good times and bad times. I will never turn my back on someone that I love even when they are being hard to love. I will forgive endlessly when I choose to be loyal to someone because I know that we all make mistakes. Unfortunately, when I am loyal to someone who only wishes to cause me harm, I will fall into the trap of letting them abuse me. I must choose who I am loyal to carefully because of this. Loyalty is a value because I am vulnerable when I am loyal. If someone is loyal to me, I do not take that lightly.  

Creativity is one of my values because when I am being creative, I feel like my best self. My creativity comes in many forms. I like to write songs, write blogs, color, or draw. I like to have deep, thought-provoking conversations with people. I spent some time in a mental health program and learned coping skills for my deep emotions. Creativity has been a way for me to express myself and be vulnerable. Creativity has kept me sane when it has felt like my darkness would overtake me. Creativity has helped me to find solutions to problems that I have faced. I love the quote from George Bernard Shaw that says “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” I love this because it gives me the choice to decide who I want to be creatively. I can be creative about who I am and how I see the world. Creativity shapes me and is a core part of me.

Lastly, I value connection. From reading Brené Brown’s book, I learned that moments of joy are times of high vulnerability. When I make even the smallest connection with someone, it brings me joy. The range of connections can be from making a stranger laugh because they caught me dancing in my car at a red light to meeting someone that has similar experiences as me and we become lifelong friends. These are true examples that have happened. I like to notice the unnoticeable. I like connecting with someone by making them feel included. I allow myself to be seen when I make connections. I visually see connections as a little spark of light that is exchanged between me and the person I am connecting with. I value those moments and look forward to them because they normally catch me off guard.

All my values have something in common. All my values make me vulnerable. Vulnerability  allows us to be seen. It gives other people the courage to be seen.

I wrote this for my Leadership class I am taking. Hence the mention of leadership. I thought it was really cool having to rethink my values and noticing how they make me vulnerable. I did not see that connection until I wrote them down. I hope this blog posts challenges you to think about your own values. Figure out how they make you, you. My new slogan is “Live like You.” Be true to yourself and the values you hold.

Depression- My Ally

     Since I was in fourth grade, I started to notice (mostly because I have kept journals since then) that I had symptoms of perfectionism. My value and self-worth came from accomplishments. I wanted to please people. I strived really hard to do well and fell apart when I didn’t. I could never meet this unrealistic standard I had for myself.

My perfectionism only got worse when the stakes got higher. In middle school, my grades became important to me. My worth was measured by the grades I got. I would complain about anything less than 90’s. That included 89.

High school threw me into a whirlwind of emotions as I kept track of every tragic event that took place year after year. I built up armor against people. Lost my ability to feel connection because of fear of rejection. I felt lost more times than I can count. I have hated myself for not being able to be better. I faked it until I made it.

College finally broke me. I had to accept my first C as a passing grade. Talk about a knife to my perfectionism. I felt even more lost since I wasn’t defined by my grades anymore. I was just mindlessly surviving. Stressing over doing well enough to pass. Always feeling like my work wasn’t any good. Feeling stupid because I didn’t feel like my grades reflected my intelligence, but I also didn’t know how else to prove my intelligence.

My perfectionism also contributed to my depression. I’ve always thought of it as a dark storm cloud that follows me around or lingers in the background waiting to ruin any moment for me. Moments of happiness became opportunities for the dark cloud to come crashing in. It could come for the dumbest reasons. It could come unexpectedly. It would just rain in my head of negativity and I would sink into hating myself more.   

     I’ve tried thinking better. I’ve tried making bold statements about changing. I’ve sought help. I’ve investigated taking medicine. I’ve tried making healthier choices. All my trying has failed me. I am exhausted. I always give up and end up back in my dark hole feeling defeated. Exasperated by my inability to be happier or to truly make a lasting change.

     I give up. I am going to stop hating myself for something I cannot control. I am done thinking less of myself because I am depressed. I am going to hate myself and love myself. I will have good days and I will have bad days. I’m going to have moments of strong feelings and I am going to live through them like I always do.

     What has inspired this blog post is something actually really simple. I am a procrastinator. I hate that I am a procrastinator. I stress myself out until the moment I get something done. The example for this blog is a research paper I had due on 6/3/19. I started the research (which is the easy part for me) on 4/27/19. I started writing the paper 6/1 and finished 6/2. Had someone read over it and then did my second read 6/3. That’s right on the due date.

     My wise roommate and best friend told me to stop trying to mold myself into something I am not. I am a procrastinator, but I always get my work done. I always do well too. I may think my work is garbage, but I have passed all my classes. So clearly, I am not in the wrong for just working better under pressure. Sometimes I need that extra thrill to push me towards real genius.

     Either way, I am not going to fake it until I make it anymore. I am just going to be real with myself. I’m going to be honest to people about my views about life. I don’t get the hype. I’m here and I get my moments of happiness, but it will never be sunshine and rainbows for me and I’m actually okay with that.

     Seems odd that I’m saying depression is my ally, but honestly, I like it. It has caused me to think deeper and has made me have a more realistic view of life. I handle difficult situations with ease because of my strong conflict inside. I write cute songs and sad songs because I can be in touch with very opposing feelings, but also make it fun. I can comfort other people who seek my wisdom that stems from observations and learned behaviors. I can write these blog posts that people read even though I am not consistent in the slightest. You’ve probably noticed that I have gap months of no writing and some months of many writings.

     I can’t see myself being “Miss Sunshine,” but I’ll still make other people’s day brighter. I probably won’t always be optimistic. I don’t care though. I am really content with being imperfect. I’m extremely at peace with this idea of just letting things be as they are when they are them. I am not in a constant state of stress. I am not in a constant state of fear. I am slightly hindered in social settings, but people don’t make me happier so why should I keep forcing myself to socialize? I just have to keep it real.

     People constantly want to put everyone in boxes of right or wrong, black or white, this way or that way. Well, enough! I don’t want to be anything, but this mess of a person that I am. I am a reflector with a lot of thoughts compacted into a 5ft package. I am miserably happy. I am what I choose to be in this minute and tomorrow. It may never be the same, but I don’t care anymore. I’m just trying to figure out what it is to be me and truthfully, I’m not sure.

     What I do know is this, my depression isn’t my enemy. I am not my enemy. I keep fighting myself to be better, but I am not even sure what the end goal looks like. I feel miserable a lot and trying to change that by forcing myself to act differently than I’d naturally react hasn’t made me feel any less miserable.  

(Disclaimer) My blog post is not against self-improving. My blog post is against the pressures we put on people to be a certain way even if it’s not something they want to be. If you have a real goal for yourself that you believe that you can attain, go for it with all your being because that’s who you are. If you’re like me with no vision and you’re just running into what feels like a void, stop pushing yourself to “improve.” Just focus on being you whatever that looks like. You exist for a reason even if that means you want to binge watch Netflix for most of your life. What’s the difference? It’s your life. Live like you.   

I Am Single

I read a tweet. It said, “I think I got too good at being single tbh”. I don’t know about you, but that statement felt negative to me. I don’t like it. I responded with, “No such thing as too good! Being single is happiness that no person can bring.” 

I am single. People sometimes confuse being single with a lot of negative things. They confuse being single with being unhappy. They confuse being single with locking yourself away and being completely isolated from the world. They associate single with being alone and feeling lonely. They assume being single means you’re incomplete and need to find your other half. Being single is shamed. I really don’t like that.

I wrote I am single. I didn’t write I was alone. I didn’t write I don’t have any human contact. I didn’t write I’m longing for companionship. I didn’t write I’m sad. I didn’t write that I hated being single. I didn’t write I wish I wasn’t single. I didn’t write I was looking to change my status from single. I didn’t write that I felt incomplete being single. 

I am single. I do what I want whenever I want (besides like work and school gotta be there don’t always want to). I enjoy me time and figuring out what makes me happy. I hang out with people who appreciate my time and want to spend time with me. I am myself to the truest form because there’s no reason not to. I am complete. Nothing is missing from my life.

Being single is a lifestyle choice that is just as good as being with someone else. Being in a relationship is not always rainbows and sunshine. I know people who were/are in terrible relationships, but didn’t/don’t want to leave because they didn’t/don’t know how to be alone or it’s too hard to get out of the relationship. That’s sad. The fear of being single is so daunting you’d rather stick with someone you don’t like or worse, are abusive. The pressure to be in a relationship is absurd. There is nothing wrong with being single. Maybe people would be less miserable if they stopped forcing themselves to be with someone they don’t actually want to be with and start focusing on taking care of themselves. 

I cannot love someone truly unless I like myself. I cannot do anything unless I take care of myself. Planes get it. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. Being single is putting on an oxygen mask. I’m not saying being with someone is suffocating, but sometimes it seems like it. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish to a certain extent, but being too selfless can be life-threatening.   

I don’t have to have a ‘one and only’ to make a special connection with someone. I make special connections with lots of people. I get the opportunity to make more connections with people because I’m not focused on one. I’m not trying to be mean to people in relationships (though I am biased because I like being single). Relationships are great. All kinds are. The relationship I have with myself feels really important to me. If I can’t figure me out, there’s no way I’m going to add any value to anyone else’s life whether as a romantic life partner or a good friend. 

I’m tired of people acting like it is so sad to be single. I really enjoy it. I have amazing friends. I have a great family. Why do I need to ruin that with someone else? My time being single is NOT to prepare me for someone else to enter my life. My time being single is for me. I am not interested in trying to change that. I’m not against relationships despite how this blog post sounds. I’m merely fighting for the single and proud. There’s no right or wrong to this. Just thoughts about it. Thank you and watch Daniel Sloss’s Jigsaw episode on Netflix if you agree with this blog.