The Love I Deserve

I knew there was a reason I waited to write this post. I have finally become inspired. I have been inspired by my desire to stop a romantic relationship with someone I have been talking to for a month. I have been getting to know him in the pursuit of a real committed relationship. I wanted to see if I could do it.

First off, I would like to say that I am a queen. I want to be loved and taken care of a very specific way. I feel deserving of that kind of love and affection.

I am a feeler. I am motivated and act a lot based on my feelings. As much as I try to use logic, my feelings get the best of me. It comes in forms of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. All those things that happen, mean I am in a bad place. I don’t enjoy feeling those ways. Since I am super aware of my feelings, I use them as warning bells against bad decisions in my life or things that do not belong. They’re my intuition, and they work great.  

I have been in a really great place recently. I thought it had to do with the guy I was talking to. I was excited. I was exploring. I made the huge statement that he was the one after knowing him a day. I am that crazy romantic story person. I am totally aware of that. As I started thinking about letting this guy get to know me, I felt anxious. I did not feel comfortable sharing stuff about me. I felt lost.  

I never want to feel that way. It does not matter if he did things intentionally to make me feel that way or it is just the way he is, I felt those things. I am all that matters in that equation.

I NEVER want to feel ashamed of who I am. I NEVER want to feel uncomfortable being me. It should just feel natural. I should NEVER want to hide things or keep things to myself. For someone to actually know and love me, they have to accept everything. I should feel happy to say it. I should want to share who I am with that person without feeling like I have to change my core self for them.

Meeting someone new is like opening pandora’s box. You never know what crazy stuff is inside. How you handle stuff in the box is important to that relationship. You shame one part of the box, the whole box closes. If you love someone, they open their box proudly because they know you care enough to know it.

I say what’s on my heart and mind openly to anyone who wants to hear about it. I am proud to have lived my life. I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. I have come out better for it. I am proud of my scars. They do not just fade away because someone does not want to look at them. I have to be true to those scars. The moments that have made the core of me. I have learned a lot of hard lessons with those scars. They make me powerful. They make me love me.

I deserve to feel like a Queen. I deserve a King who adores me with every fiber of his being because that’s how fiercely I deserve to be loved. I want someone who takes care of themselves first. He will love the kind of love I have to offer, and he will match it. I won’t settle for less and it does feel impossible to ask for. But I will not settle. At the end of the day, I am the best person to love me. It is not a settlement. It is choosing me. I deserve love.