The Scariest Journey Yet

In my life, I’ve noticed that I learn better when I have to teach someone whatever I am learning. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging again because I’m learning a lot. As a disclaimer, everything I write is just a part of my learning process. I do not handle every situation perfectly. I’m just trying new techniques to cope with the overwhelming thoughts I have. I am being vulnerable. The way I handle the tough situations of life is not the only way someone can handle going through what I am. If my blog post makes someone feel less alone because they can relate to what I’m dealing with, maybe my technique can help. 

I am 24 and having a mid-life crisis. I’ve accomplished big milestones in my life and now I’m not sure what comes next. I feel like I’ve been treading water. Aimlessly keeping myself afloat with no real purpose.

Big life changes, good or bad, can trigger a person to have horrible anxiety or depression. I thought because I had a mental breakdown in high school, I was exempt from it happening again as an adult. At least the mental breakdown that gets me sent to the hospital. I’ve had mental breaks since high school, I’ve just ‘managed’ them.

Throughout college and even my masters, I was in a bubble of hope and potential. That bubble has popped. Things that I thought were how I coped are no longer bringing me any kind of happiness. I’m overwhelmed with free time and unsure how to structure it to keep me from wasting my life. I have lost a way to measure my value.  

I mentioned that to my boss about finding something to measure my value. Her response was to find something that makes me happy not valued. That seems like a taller order. I pinned my value when I was in school on my grades. I worked hard to be smart because I don’t feel smart. My grades were a letter, but it told me I was smart. Unfortunately, at work, as much as my boss tells me I’m doing good work, there is no measuring system to tell me if that’s true.  

My feelings towards myself have become destructive. At first, I thought finding a new job would be the answer. I tend to make big life decisions based on confused emotions. So far, they’ve all worked out, but now I am unable to believe I’ll succeed in anything I do. I’m stuck.  

It took watching a show called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to make me realize I have a problem. After I finished the show, I still wasn’t sure what to do with that problem. It was Saturday 1/25 when I saw Mr. Rogers’ movie and it made me realize what I had to do. A line from that movie spoke to me. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” I had some unspoken truths about myself. They didn’t feel manageable, because I didn’t know how to mention them.

I have tried so hard to hide what I call my ‘darkness.’ I’ve tried so hard to pretend I had it under control. The scary thoughts in my head that keep me up at night. The overwhelming burden of finding myself even though I had no idea where to start looking. The feelings of being damaged and unlovable. The inability to feel connected to people because I didn’t want to overwhelm them with my truth. I wanted to believe I was okay. But I am not and that’s okay.

1/27 Monday, I had a lot of emotionally heavy conversations. I was open and honest with my boss and asked for help. I was open and honest with new work friends. I even reconnected with an old friend by not being afraid to care about them (that’ll be another blog post). I told my sister the truth about what’s been going on with me and my plan of action. I talked to a friend who also struggles with anxiety and depression. Lastly, I talked to my cousin who has been an amazing listener to my woes. Part of my burden is lifted. I am supported and loved even after sharing my dark truth.  

Why is this blog post called, The Scariest Journey Yet? I’m glad you asked. I’m about to embark on the journey of accepting my place as a human. I do not know what means to just exist. With no goal ahead of me, I self-destruct. I called a counselor today. For the first time, it is my choice to seek out help. No one told me to do this. I’m terrified. But maybe, just maybe, this is the goal I need to reach. Cause once I can accept that I am worthy of this life, maybe I’ll do big things. Maybe I’ll perform again. Maybe I’ll write songs. Maybe just maybe, I can make beautiful connections with other people who see value in me because I value myself.

I encourage anyone who is struggling with anxiety or depression or both to speak up. Mental illness is stigmatized, but we are not crazy. We just see the world differently and that’s our normal. We are not alone. Speak your truth because to have emotions is to be human. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” -Mr. Rogers

Thought Experiment- Love

I am starting off with insight on how I want this blog post to be interpreted. I speak from my own experience. I speak my truth and share my feelings. You are welcome to agree or disagree. I’ve just had a lot going on that I felt inspired to write about.

I have been trying to structure my overthinking. I like to overthink, and I over-explain myself because I tend to feel misunderstood. Instead of just mindless thinking, I have done things that philosophers have been doing throughout the ages- thought experiments. Thought experiments are “devices of the imagination. They are employed for various purposes such as an entertainment, education, conceptual analysis, exploration, hypothesizing, theory selection, theory implementation, etc.” -For Source click here.

Here was my thought experiment- If love was personified, how would it act?

I began to create Love the person. It would be easy to be around Love. I could speak freely to them without any fear of judgment. They would ask questions to clarify what I was feeling or saying before reacting. They would share their thoughts freely even if it was to point out something bad or good. They would have healthy boundaries, and I would respect them.

I started to feel like Love was perfect, but then I imagined Love sitting on the edge of a bed crying. They just kept saying “this is too good to be true.” And then Love walked out of my thought experiment.

From the natural progression of my own imagination, I realized I have some negative feelings towards love. I don’t believe it exists the way I want it to. I know I can love people platonically. I know I can be infatuated by someone. But romantic love doesn’t make sense to me.

I told a friend I was lonely. She told me to download an app. I’ve used apps before and I’m still single. It’s been a while, so I told my coworker, “you make my profile, I’ll try the app.” She did. I started out with a single picture. My eyes were covered with sunglasses, my mouth covered by a bandana, and I had a helmet on my head. So that picture has more context, I was riding a four-wheeler. The little I had on my profile was created by my coworkers who already know me. My profile read:

PENGUINS!!!

I write songs and have a YouTube channel.

My family is important to me.

It was amazing how many guys messaged me based on so little information. The majority of them wanted better pictures of me. I obliged and put some that actually showed my face. Once I did that, there were messages that started with “hey beautiful” or “Hi cutie.” Basic flirtatious moves. As the messages continued so did the spectrum of guys who wanted to talk to me.  

I began to categorize the guys into these categories:

• ·        I was not physically attracted to them
• ·        I tried to be nice, but they were creepy
• ·        They wanted to have sex
• ·        All the above

No matter how hard I wanted to carry on a regular conversation that had nothing to do with sex, the guys directed the conversation back to sex or hinting at sex. I got asked a lot of personal sexual questions. Some that were just poorly thought out, but just an excuse to mention cum. I got asked if I wanted to hook-up a lot.

Despite the lack of quality in most of my conversations, I gave out my number or Snapchat to a few guys. I was punished with unwanted dick pics. It only took two to make me delete my account. I felt dehumanized.  

I don’t know what you’re thinking at this point. Hear me out though. Maybe you’re tired of this too.

People don’t understand why I am single. I am lonely. I won’t deny that I feel like something is missing in my life that feels like a gaping hole in my chest. Maybe that is supposed to be filled by a person or maybe I’m just caught up in the idea that it’s supposed to be. The truth is I would rather be lonely than settle for being a sexual object. I would rather be lonely than meet up with a guy at the bar who probably just wants sex. I’d rather be lonely than convince someone to want to be with me.

Is it just me that attracts the kind of guys I don’t want or attracted to the ones I can’t have?

I want something that seems like it should be so simple and so easy, but it’s not. I want to be loved for my mind. I want to be wanted because I exist and it’s mildly entertaining for someone to be a part of my everyday life or even just some of it. Whether we have sex or don’t have sex is irrelevant. I would know I could count on them.

I am no expert on love. I don’t understand it in the magnitude that it can be or isn’t. I encourage you, though to do your own thought experiment about love. What is love personified to you?