Thought Experiment- Love

I am starting off with insight on how I want this blog post to be interpreted. I speak from my own experience. I speak my truth and share my feelings. You are welcome to agree or disagree. I’ve just had a lot going on that I felt inspired to write about.

I have been trying to structure my overthinking. I like to overthink, and I over-explain myself because I tend to feel misunderstood. Instead of just mindless thinking, I have done things that philosophers have been doing throughout the ages- thought experiments. Thought experiments are “devices of the imagination. They are employed for various purposes such as an entertainment, education, conceptual analysis, exploration, hypothesizing, theory selection, theory implementation, etc.” -For Source click here.

Here was my thought experiment- If love was personified, how would it act?

I began to create Love the person. It would be easy to be around Love. I could speak freely to them without any fear of judgment. They would ask questions to clarify what I was feeling or saying before reacting. They would share their thoughts freely even if it was to point out something bad or good. They would have healthy boundaries, and I would respect them.

I started to feel like Love was perfect, but then I imagined Love sitting on the edge of a bed crying. They just kept saying “this is too good to be true.” And then Love walked out of my thought experiment.

From the natural progression of my own imagination, I realized I have some negative feelings towards love. I don’t believe it exists the way I want it to. I know I can love people platonically. I know I can be infatuated by someone. But romantic love doesn’t make sense to me.

I told a friend I was lonely. She told me to download an app. I’ve used apps before and I’m still single. It’s been a while, so I told my coworker, “you make my profile, I’ll try the app.” She did. I started out with a single picture. My eyes were covered with sunglasses, my mouth covered by a bandana, and I had a helmet on my head. So that picture has more context, I was riding a four-wheeler. The little I had on my profile was created by my coworkers who already know me. My profile read:

PENGUINS!!!

I write songs and have a YouTube channel.

My family is important to me.

It was amazing how many guys messaged me based on so little information. The majority of them wanted better pictures of me. I obliged and put some that actually showed my face. Once I did that, there were messages that started with “hey beautiful” or “Hi cutie.” Basic flirtatious moves. As the messages continued so did the spectrum of guys who wanted to talk to me.  

I began to categorize the guys into these categories:

• ·        I was not physically attracted to them
• ·        I tried to be nice, but they were creepy
• ·        They wanted to have sex
• ·        All the above

No matter how hard I wanted to carry on a regular conversation that had nothing to do with sex, the guys directed the conversation back to sex or hinting at sex. I got asked a lot of personal sexual questions. Some that were just poorly thought out, but just an excuse to mention cum. I got asked if I wanted to hook-up a lot.

Despite the lack of quality in most of my conversations, I gave out my number or Snapchat to a few guys. I was punished with unwanted dick pics. It only took two to make me delete my account. I felt dehumanized.  

I don’t know what you’re thinking at this point. Hear me out though. Maybe you’re tired of this too.

People don’t understand why I am single. I am lonely. I won’t deny that I feel like something is missing in my life that feels like a gaping hole in my chest. Maybe that is supposed to be filled by a person or maybe I’m just caught up in the idea that it’s supposed to be. The truth is I would rather be lonely than settle for being a sexual object. I would rather be lonely than meet up with a guy at the bar who probably just wants sex. I’d rather be lonely than convince someone to want to be with me.

Is it just me that attracts the kind of guys I don’t want or attracted to the ones I can’t have?

I want something that seems like it should be so simple and so easy, but it’s not. I want to be loved for my mind. I want to be wanted because I exist and it’s mildly entertaining for someone to be a part of my everyday life or even just some of it. Whether we have sex or don’t have sex is irrelevant. I would know I could count on them.

I am no expert on love. I don’t understand it in the magnitude that it can be or isn’t. I encourage you, though to do your own thought experiment about love. What is love personified to you?