The Scariest Journey Yet

In my life, I’ve noticed that I learn better when I have to teach someone whatever I am learning. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging again because I’m learning a lot. As a disclaimer, everything I write is just a part of my learning process. I do not handle every situation perfectly. I’m just trying new techniques to cope with the overwhelming thoughts I have. I am being vulnerable. The way I handle the tough situations of life is not the only way someone can handle going through what I am. If my blog post makes someone feel less alone because they can relate to what I’m dealing with, maybe my technique can help. 

I am 24 and having a mid-life crisis. I’ve accomplished big milestones in my life and now I’m not sure what comes next. I feel like I’ve been treading water. Aimlessly keeping myself afloat with no real purpose.

Big life changes, good or bad, can trigger a person to have horrible anxiety or depression. I thought because I had a mental breakdown in high school, I was exempt from it happening again as an adult. At least the mental breakdown that gets me sent to the hospital. I’ve had mental breaks since high school, I’ve just ‘managed’ them.

Throughout college and even my masters, I was in a bubble of hope and potential. That bubble has popped. Things that I thought were how I coped are no longer bringing me any kind of happiness. I’m overwhelmed with free time and unsure how to structure it to keep me from wasting my life. I have lost a way to measure my value.  

I mentioned that to my boss about finding something to measure my value. Her response was to find something that makes me happy not valued. That seems like a taller order. I pinned my value when I was in school on my grades. I worked hard to be smart because I don’t feel smart. My grades were a letter, but it told me I was smart. Unfortunately, at work, as much as my boss tells me I’m doing good work, there is no measuring system to tell me if that’s true.  

My feelings towards myself have become destructive. At first, I thought finding a new job would be the answer. I tend to make big life decisions based on confused emotions. So far, they’ve all worked out, but now I am unable to believe I’ll succeed in anything I do. I’m stuck.  

It took watching a show called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to make me realize I have a problem. After I finished the show, I still wasn’t sure what to do with that problem. It was Saturday 1/25 when I saw Mr. Rogers’ movie and it made me realize what I had to do. A line from that movie spoke to me. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” I had some unspoken truths about myself. They didn’t feel manageable, because I didn’t know how to mention them.

I have tried so hard to hide what I call my ‘darkness.’ I’ve tried so hard to pretend I had it under control. The scary thoughts in my head that keep me up at night. The overwhelming burden of finding myself even though I had no idea where to start looking. The feelings of being damaged and unlovable. The inability to feel connected to people because I didn’t want to overwhelm them with my truth. I wanted to believe I was okay. But I am not and that’s okay.

1/27 Monday, I had a lot of emotionally heavy conversations. I was open and honest with my boss and asked for help. I was open and honest with new work friends. I even reconnected with an old friend by not being afraid to care about them (that’ll be another blog post). I told my sister the truth about what’s been going on with me and my plan of action. I talked to a friend who also struggles with anxiety and depression. Lastly, I talked to my cousin who has been an amazing listener to my woes. Part of my burden is lifted. I am supported and loved even after sharing my dark truth.  

Why is this blog post called, The Scariest Journey Yet? I’m glad you asked. I’m about to embark on the journey of accepting my place as a human. I do not know what means to just exist. With no goal ahead of me, I self-destruct. I called a counselor today. For the first time, it is my choice to seek out help. No one told me to do this. I’m terrified. But maybe, just maybe, this is the goal I need to reach. Cause once I can accept that I am worthy of this life, maybe I’ll do big things. Maybe I’ll perform again. Maybe I’ll write songs. Maybe just maybe, I can make beautiful connections with other people who see value in me because I value myself.

I encourage anyone who is struggling with anxiety or depression or both to speak up. Mental illness is stigmatized, but we are not crazy. We just see the world differently and that’s our normal. We are not alone. Speak your truth because to have emotions is to be human. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” -Mr. Rogers