Navigating

Maybe it is because I overthink being a human. Maybe it is because I overthink in general. Maybe I am too self-aware and hypersensitive to external forces impacting my existence. Whatever the reasoning is, I find myself stuck in moments of life that baffle me.

I’m not sure what comes next. I know Thanksgiving is in two days and a blog post about being thankful would be more accurate of a blog post to write, but I already did a blog post about the attitude of gratitude. I do have a lot of things to be thankful for. I could create a blog post that is just a list of them. That seems less interesting than navigating my thoughts right now.

I know I overthink things. I know I dwell on topics that may never be resolved. It is one reason I love philosophy. A subject dedicated to unanswered questions. You can think in experiments. Run things through a simulation of some kind to figure out the closest answer you can get to some of life’s harder questions.

I don’t have any major projects ahead. Luckily, house stuff has slowed down. Sure, there are a few things here or there, but nothing as dramatic as not having a shower for two weeks. I am at a lull moment. A time I should be spending feeling content or dare I say happy. Instead, I find myself frazzled. Once again at a place where I’m not sure what to do with myself. I’m not sure how to spend my free time.

I’ve been here before. Seasonal depression is hitting me so hard. I feel like giving up and going to sleep right after work. Unfortunately, I think too much to actually fall asleep, but maybe I could. I don’t think my dog would appreciate that or my normal sleep routine.

I know this isn’t the cheery right before a holiday kind of post people want to read. Truth is, I’m not feeling cheery if that isn’t obvious. I’m a real person who has a lot of feelings. My blog is a safe place for people to connect with me if they’re feeling the same way or just needs someone who gets it and mentally feels better not being alone.

To end this blog on a positive note: I am so thankful for the wonderful times I’ve had this year. I am thankful for my daughter Riot. I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for my family (which encompasses all my siblings). I am thankful for my apocalypse women (you know who you are). I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my boss, coworkers, and just having a job in general. I am thankful that I can overthink and overshare because it is all a part of being alive.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Hope it is a small gathering with loved ones <3 Stay safe!      

Asking for Help

I have been learning how important it is to ask for help. I have struggled with this. I always wanted people to just know what I needed or just know I was not okay. I would get very irritated with myself if there were things I didn’t know how to do. I would get myself all worked up.

I’ve experienced a few helpless moments. The times when you realize, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change a situation. It doesn’t matter how loud you yell or quick you act, things are what they are. You try and try and try and try, but nothing happens. The feeling of exhaustion that comes from overworking or juggling too many things.  

Seems grim, but I’ll explain. In the moments of helplessness, admitting you're helpless is the first step to getting help. Just like with any problems we face. If we don’t admit there is a problem, it is never going to be fixed.  

By admitting I need help with things, I have drawn people into my life that help me with the problems I face. I have delegated tasks to people who want to do them or know how to do them.

My house has become a project. I am anticipating the day when it is fully functioning without any problems. I have taken charge of running my house. I am a landlord, a dog mom, a financial analyst, and a homeowner. I’m wearing a lot of hats. There have been a few times when situations with all of those categories felt helpless.

I have given up trying to do everything on my own or get mad at myself because I lack information. Instead, I will seek out people who have skills or do my own research. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I have to allow myself to be helpless and ask for help.

I have an unfinished song with the lyrics: 

“Help me feel helpless
To give up control
Help me feel helpless
To be still and know
That you’re in control of everything in my life
My hands are too small
To carry what I have
So, help me feel helpless
And put it in your hands”

I don’t think humans were meant to do everything on their own. There is power in community. There is power in connection. We all add something. Whether we know what that knowledge is or not, we can impact someone else’s life.

Example: I know a plumber now. I didn’t know one before, but I’m glad I know him because I don’t want to have to learn how to fix pipes. Woot, Woot!

The point is, ask for help. We aren’t meant to ‘do it all.’ Just do what you can and then ask for help. I’m sure there is help out there.