This Christmas Season

This Christmas season has been one of the best Christmas’ I’ve had in a while. I can’t remember exactly what age I was when Christmas started to lose its magic impact on me, but I know for the past two years, I was more of a grinch. I just wanted the holidays to be over. I didn’t want to see my family. I was miserable. A recipe for Christmas despair. This year was different though for two reasons.

The first reason this year was different was how much Jesus has changed my life. Sounds cliche, but I can’t take credit for what He has done for me. He took me back when I had run away from Him, gave me a place to belong in His kingdom, He gave me purpose through service and giving, and made me grateful instead of anxious. God never abandoned me. Behind the scenes, He was working. It was this year that He revealed Himself to me in a way that I could fully accept the gift of who Jesus is. The God of the universe, who made all things, holds all power on heaven and on earth, became one of us just so He could have a relationship with us. And to make his coming more personal, He didn’t come to earth as a king the way we think of kings; he came to earth to a poor family and was born where the cattle sleep and eat. The sweet gift of Jesus is more precious to me than ever before.

The second reason this year was different was I had found gifts for my family members and friends. I have not been a very good gift giver in the past and often times did not buy gifts at all. Part of it had to do with me being a Scrooge. The second part is that I don’t like to buy gifts just to buy gifts. I like the feeling of buying a meaningful gift that you know the person will really enjoy or use. This year, I felt the hype of anticipation for everyone else to open my gifts to them. My best friend Taylor is an artist, so I got to use her talent as a gift twice. I made my mom open her gift first because I was really excited for her to have it. She is the cutest happy crier. That is the only time I enjoy making her cry. I’m still waiting in anticipation for my best friend to get her Christmas gifts. There is just something so exciting about getting people the right gift. The joy of giving is so real for me.

I was overwhelming blessed this Christmas season. I hope you had a wonderful holiday and have a wonderful rest of the season.

I’m really thankful that next year is going to be odd because I can’t even.

Blessings to you all and I’ll write a new post in the new year! 

A Spirit of Gratitude

I would like to start by saying that I have a lot to be thankful for. This year was transformational for me. I went from living with suicidal thoughts, racing anxiety, horrible depression, a miserable future, a destructive past, and hopelessness to living with confidence, experiencing joy, being hopeful for my future, and showing mercy for my past. God took my life which looked so broken beyond compare and made it into something I’m excited about. He turned my mourning into dancing.

I don’t believe I am the same person I was a year ago. I was completely lost. I never thought I’d escape the misery that was my existence. I wished for death like people wish for gifts. I was afraid of everyone. I hated myself. I did not want to love or be loved by anyone. I just figured I’d end up getting hurt anyway. I was a shattered individual. The torture was of my own doing. I was the worst to myself. I held no value for my life.

It took me doing something I never thought I’d do that broke me. I finally gave up the fight thinking I could do life alone. I asked for help. In fact, help was gifted to me by my mommy. My mom bought me the Healing Journey Bible study being led by Lisa. It was a 29-week course that met weekly with two hours of homework due each class. It was advised to break the two hours into two separate days. I needed help and God sent me on the road to healing. I started the Healing Journey in September 2021. I am so thankful my mommy gave me this gift.

What I did not know until recently was that I had a cousin, Manda, who prayed that I would go through the Healing Journey. I do not remember if she had ever told me about it and maybe she did, but at the time I was hesitant. Either way, God answered her prayer. I’m so thankful He did.

The Healing Journey opened my eyes to the Bible in a new way. I could actually relate to Bible characters. I could digest the stories. We were not just rehashing the Bible stories I grew up knowing. We looked at the trauma, the hurt, and the pain, but we also looked at how God gives us a path to heal from pain. People who follow God are not exempt from pain. Instead, those who know God are equipped to process, understand, and heal from pain. And just because God wants to show us His love, He gives us the blessings He promises. I am thankful for God’s promises.

I was afraid that when the Healing Journey was over that I’d fall back into my old patterns. The remarkable thing about God is, that nothing is by accident. My parents are my parents because God knew that I would need them. They invited me to go to Northridge church with them at the beginning of January 2022. I went with them at first because it was an excuse to see my parents. That changed though. I am so thankful for Northridge Church.

Come spring, my Healing Journey course was over in April. I had someone reaching out to me from my church encouraging me to get involved with a community group. I joined one because I already kind of knew one of the leaders. I also liked that they met biweekly. I didn’t want to be overly committed. Little did I know how much I would love community group. Any opportunity to spend more time with them is something I enjoy. I am so thankful for my community group.

Lastly, I started serving in Kid’s ministry. I was a little rusty teaching the Bible, but God’s word never comes back void. I had hidden God’s word in my heart when I was a kid. That was never lost to me. It has been such a joy to teach 3^rd grade. Sometimes I even get thrown into a second and third-grade combination class. By the grace of God, things always go well. I am so thankful to be serving.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I don’t want to stop being thankful even though Thanksgiving is over. I want to continue to find reasons to thank Jesus for His blessings. I want to have a spirit of gratitude. I want to constantly find reasons to say thank you. Thankful in times of peace and thankful in times of tragedy. When I set my eyes on things above and the goodness Jesus has shown to me, I can’t say anything else but “Thank you”. If Jesus did nothing else but die on the cross so that I could have a relationship with God, that would be enough. I am so thankful for the cross. I am thankful that who I am today is not who I was last year. I am thankful that God is not finished with me yet.

I am thankful for all of you who read my story. Be encouraged and please feel free to reach out. I have not forgotten what it is like to feel hopeless. I just know who my hope is in. 

In Loving Memory

It doesn’t make sense why a 25-year-old had to die of cancer. She had her whole life ahead of her, but it was stolen. My beautiful, courageous, brilliant, loving, cousin Tia passed away on October 4^th this year. The doctors overestimated the time she had left. I personally think she didn’t want to make it to the holidays. She told me they weren’t her favorite.

I don’t understand why some people get miracles on earth and others don’t. We prayed so much that God would heal her in this life, but instead, she gets her miracle in the next. I truly believe that she is in Heaven because of her faith in Jesus. She had peace about dying. She was done suffering in this life. She was battling leukemia for too long with no hope for it to end. When the doctors told her there was nothing more they could do, she was brave. 

Tia would amaze me with her knowledge of everything that was going on with her body. She understood the medical terminology and explained it so lovingly to me. I am grateful for our connection. I’d grown up with Tia, but we didn’t establish a friendship until we were both older. She was a wonderful listener and encourager. I’d share my heartache with her, and she’d always lovingly support me. She’d share her truths with me, and I am thankful I got to be someone she could be real with. It was a privilege to love her in this life. She was truly a remarkable person. 

Tia, I told you when I saw you on September 25^th, that I didn’t want to live this life without you in it. I hate that I won’t ever get a response from the snaps I sent you or get text messages from you anymore. You cared so much about my well-being. You wanted me to be happy. I love that even when you knew you were dying, you were cracking jokes and worried about me. I love you so much. Heaven is so lucky to have you. I can’t wait to see you again in your glorious new body that is cancer free. Give all our loved ones big squeezes and kisses for me. 

The Bible says, “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy” and that’s what cancer did. It was Satan’s way of stealing Tia’s life and killing her. The hope that we can hold on to is Jesus said, “I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Even though it was not the miracle we wanted, Tia is experiencing new life to the fullest in Heaven. She has no more pain, there are no more tears, and she is reunited with everyone who has gone to Heaven before her.

I don’t blame God for this. I know it is in His will that all come to him. It doesn’t matter how you’ve spent your life. The only thing that matters is that in the hour of your death, you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, and you will be saved. God is so merciful and loving that all he wants is for his children to call out to him. The only way is Jesus. It doesn’t need to be complicated with religion. It’s a relationship with God through Jesus. Jesus conquered death. He died so that we might live, but not just in this life on earth. He died so that we could be reunited with God in Heaven.

You might be thinking if God is so loving why would He let something so terrible happen? The truth is that this life is not perfect. It has evil in it which is the absence of God. The only way we can freely choose God is if there are other options. Faith is a choice. We have free will and that means there is death, sickness, pain, and evil. As a believer in Jesus, I know that “in this world, I will have trouble.” I can have hope though because Jesus says, “But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 If you don’t have this hope or you’re angry with God because you think the circumstances of your life are not fair, please reach out to me. Leave a comment or send a private FB message. God loves you. He doesn’t want you to suffer through this alone.

Tia was not alone. She was covered in prayer and so dearly loved by her family and friends. I’m grateful for her life. I miss her like crazy already, but I know she is in a much better place.

I love you, Tia… see you later. 

What has Changed?

I’d like to start off by answering the title of this blog. A lot has changed, and it wasn’t overnight. It has been a long and sometimes painful process, and I don't think I'm done either. I’d like to tell you a little bit about it.

For the last 5 years, I took a sabbatical from my faith. I blamed God for the death of my uncle, and I just couldn’t understand what God’s problem was with me. I couldn’t seem to catch a break. Emotionally, I was up and down. I felt hopeless countless of times. In the year 2017, I began living for myself. I kept God as background noise or potential option if I was ever in a real pickle. I could switch my God talk on and off. I had been trained since birth to be a follower of Jesus, and yet when push came to shove, I ran off.

I always loved the story of the prodigal son. Quick recap of the story. Son wants his inheritance early, leaves his father’s beautiful, bountiful, lavished home, and heads off on his own. The son, not long after, squanders all the wealth he had. Finding himself eating the garbage leftovers with pigs, the son thinks it is better to head back home and be a servant of his father’s. The son rehearses his apology speech over and over as he approaches his father’s house. The Father sees his son off in the distance and begins running towards him. The Father doesn’t even give time for the son to give his apology speech. He is hugging him and kissing him and weeping over his lost son returned. The Father even prepares a feast.

I was that prodigal daughter. I wanted the perfection of Heaven on Earth, and I wanted God to do things my way. He didn’t give me what I asked for, so I left. I was angry, confused, and broken. I did stupid things to show my independence from God. I just kept making things worse for myself. I ignored my gut feelings and made decisions that costed me my peace and so much more.

So, what has changed? Did you ever pray God would give you a sign? Cause I did, and He gave me a literal sign. It was February of 2021, and I was driving home from an amazing three week trip in North Carolina with my best friend. I was passing a church called Jesus Time Tabernacle. The reason all these details are important is because I made a video talking to Jesus telling him that I didn’t know him, and I didn’t trust him. I told Jesus if he actually existed to make himself known to me. Only an hour and a few minutes later, I passed a billboard that said “Concerned? Jesus can be trusted”.

It was a literal sign that started my journey back to my Heavenly Father’s arms. Now I didn’t run back. I still had my hesitation and lack of faith. But God kept drawing me closer and closer.

My mom asked me if I wanted to be a part of a Healing Journey class starting in September of 2021. Personally, I didn’t want to pay for it, but I was open to doing it. I felt so broken as I continued to mess my life up that I needed something. It was the best birthday gift she could have given me. God began the healing work he’d been wanting me to seek out. He revealed Himself to me in ways I could digest. I had an amazing group of ladies that I felt I could trust and be vulnerable with.

I have been changed. If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away, look for the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) I’ve been made new again by my loving, welcoming, and gracious Heavenly Father. God always knew I couldn’t run too far from Him. He always had a grip on my life. I’m done fighting His will for me. I’m just trusting that God is good, and He knows best. Even when I can’t see it, even when I don’t understand, and even when I don’t get what I want, God is good.

          

Church on Sunday

I remember when going to church on Sunday was a chore. My parents would wake us up early, put us in nice clothes, and then I had to sit through Sunday school and service. I used to envy the kids who didn’t have to wake up early on the weekend. I loved sleeping in and felt it was unfair that I only got one day of the week to do it. My love for sleep would trickle into service. If the pastor had a soothing voice or made points I didn’t grasp, I’d close my eyes and take a little nap. I wasn’t getting much out of those services.

When I moved out of my parent’s house in 2018, I stopped attending church. I had some negative experiences with church people, as often as people do, and I told my parents “I love Jesus, but church isn’t for me.” I felt like church was an obligation that I could opt out of. I didn’t have a place or a home at church. I did when I was younger, but the older I got the more foreign church people became to me. I was angry at the church. Assuming, like most, it is full of hypocrites. Also, in my pride, I thought there was nothing more I could learn about God by attending church.

God has been working on my heart tremendously. I’ll have to fill you in with other blog posts later, but for now, I’m just going to focus on the topic of this one- Church on Sunday.

In January of this year, my parents and I started to attend a church called Northridge. I was a skeptic at first. Going to church was really a way of guaranteeing I’d see my parents every week. They also agreed to pick me up because my house was on the way. The church had these things called community groups. Whoever was speaking would always encourage us to get connected and join a community group. The church was also super tech savvy having an app to download to take notes and get information. I was a little overwhelmed at first by their flashy presentation for worship. Felt sometimes like a concert more than Sunday service worship. But I kept attending.

The cool thing about Northridge is that there are so many people volunteering, loving God, and wanting to serve, that you don’t get forgotten. I had shared my email beginning of April because I was interested in joining one of these community groups. I have a hard time trusting people and making friends, but God was putting it on my heart that I needed to get connected. I had someone reaching out to me in an email so quickly, I was shocked. I thanked the lady for reaching out but told her that I was not going to join a community group until I finished my Healing Journey class end of April. (I’ll share more on that in a different blog post too.)

The end of April comes and lo and behold, the lady reaches out to ask me if I’m ready to join a community group. Once again, I was shocked that she even remembered. I felt so loved and wanted just from a simple email. I did end up joining a community group, and I’m very glad I did.

On August 14^th, I had a decision to make. My parents were out of town, and I had to choose whether I was attending church alone. It was at that moment I realized going to church on Sunday was no longer a chore. It was actually something I looked forward to. I love being surrounded by other believers who raise their hands to worship. I love the songs they sing that remind me that when I’m in God’s house, my shame can be left at the door because it is not welcome. I love the messages that really capture my attention and leave me with something to think about. I love the atmosphere of acceptance and belonging that the leaders of the church diligently express.

Every Sunday, we are greeted by whoever is speaking with “Welcome Home”. I’m so thankful to have found this home.

I am volunteering in the Kids' ministry, and I’m on the road to becoming a member. I invite anyone who is looking for a church to check us out at Northridge the Rochester campus on St. Paul Street.

The church is for people who need love, want to belong, and have questions about God, salvation, and Jesus. You don’t have to be perfect to attend. You don’t even have to be saved already to attend. Just check it out. See what feelings you get or observations you make. You might find yourself a whole new church family.