Accepting Happiness

Much like love, happiness was an emotion that I had forgotten how to experience. I had lived in a world of black, white, and shades of grey. Things were either absolutes or grey areas. There was no room for trial or error. There was little room for the imagination. The world was boring, trivial, and chaotic. I could not seem to find a place in it.

I started my journey towards happiness in January of 2020. I admitted to myself that I was not happy and nothing about my life changed that. It didn’t matter how comfortable I was. That I had everything I needed and wanted for nothing. That I had a job, or I had good friends. I was unhappy with myself. I felt stuck being me.

Working with a counselor, I have been able to safely uncover what it means to be happy. It may seem odd I used “safely” to describe finding happiness, but my emotions are a lot. Even happiness can be an overwhelming emotion for me. The part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of happiness. The part of me that can’t believe I could be this happy. The part of me that feels happiness guilt. The physical ache I feel in my heart when it swells. Happiness can be exhausting.

I am accepting happiness just like I had accepted being depressed. I used to wait for the dark clouds of my anxiety, depression, or waves of intense emotions to come and mess things up. Now I hold to happiness like a blanket that covers me during those storms. I accept that life is better when I allow myself to feel happiness in the midst of the chaos. I have learned that happiness comes in many colors.

Happiness is a smile and a wave. Happiness is taking the time to smell the flowers. Happiness is freezing time in a picture. Happiness is laughter. Happiness is community. Happiness is a good night’s rest. Happiness is having food to eat. Happiness is a choice. Happiness is feeling called to spread love and light.

I can’t tell you what your happiness is. You have to explore and choose it. Just know, there is nothing wrong with enjoying being sad. Our bodies tell us we are sad for a reason. Allow yourself to feel every emotion to its fullest, and then choose which feeling you want to hold on to.

I am an emotional being. I vow to allow myself to feel every feeling I have even if it is just for a moment in time. There is something beautiful and amazing about every emotion I feel. I am grateful to be able to feel a rainbow of emotion. I choose and accept happiness as an emotion I am allowed to feel every day of my life no matter the circumstances. All is well in my world.

Tending the Garden

I am grateful to live in a world full of flowers. I love their fragrance, color, and symbolic nature. Flowers are the world’s beauty marks along with so many other aspects of nature that catch me speechless. I am but a small speck in the massive construct of nature and yet somehow, I hold value.

Summer is coming. As a homeowner, I want to plant flowers to make my yard more colorful. I want to fill the city air with more sweet fragrances. I want to live in a magical garden where I can allow my imagination to run wild. I want the kids of the neighborhood to play and feel safe. I want to hold tea parties and bonfires. I want to create moments of magic from my backyard. I’ve always been enchanted by nature.

Though I could ramble about actual flowers forever, let me switch gears. I think social media is spreading us mentally too thin. I think the desire to be popular and have a lot of friends is wearing us thin. There are reasons that depression, anxiety, suicide, and violence are high. Everyone is juggling multiple lives. We are trying to people please everyone while trying to hold our sanity together. 

Our mental well-being is our garden. What we plant is what will grow. We create the environment we live in. Let me break this down even further. 

Not every flower belongs in the same ecosystem. Not every flower can grow in the same kind of environment. Not every flower needs the same kind of attention. Not every flower looks the same. Not every flower has the same experience. Not every flower is the same. [Replace flower with person and read this paragraph again]

It is okay to cut people out of your garden. *GASP* 

Yep, I said it. We can’t please everyone, and everyone will not always please each other.

I’m not trying to create a friend group out of people I don’t like. I am not obligated to get along or like everyone. I enjoy being a person of peace, so if someone is not following the rules of my garden, that weed shall be removed. Even if that weed once looked like a flower to me. My parents always said, “who you go with is who you will become.” Your social circle is your garden.  

I try to be a kind and tender gardener. I seek counsel when I am unsure of the kindest way to navigate through a decision. I don’t cut people out of my life to seek out revenge or end all ties with them. I set people free from my garden just as much as I am weeding it out for myself. I only want good things for the flowers plucked. I just want my garden to look, feel, and be a certain way.

Love is limitless. Love is free. Perfect love casts out fear. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love is an action.

Peace of mind is something I work towards. Boundaries are mandatory. If something or someone costs me my peace, the price is too high.

I can love someone from far away as long as there is peace. I don’t have time to think about all the people who forgot about me. I only have time for the people I want to make time for or who make time for me. That’s how I tend to my garden. I look for new flowers to plant, but I am always keeping a loving watch over the flowers I already have.

I am thankful and blessed for all the amazing people I have in my life. I have been going through so many wonderful learning experiences. My journey of self and self-love has been absolutely incredible.  

 

Open and Shut

I’ve been learning a lot about resilience lately. I’ve started to recognize the strength in all of creation, specifically the flowers.

I live in the hood. I’m allowed to say that now because I’ve had my formal ritual to get access to my title. I am Queen in the hood. They call me Lily. A dear friend coined “Lily loves a lot” as my title. My neighbor’s kids call me momma. The neighborhood kids play in my yard. I’ve earned my place in the hood. I love it. It is my favorite place in the world. Full of love and community.

Anyway, living in the hood means there is a lot of trash everywhere. These people are told by society that they’re garbage, so they trash the planet they live on. The world we create for ourselves is the world we feel about ourselves. Regardless of all the trash on the ground, these beautiful flowers grow. I’ve started to notice all the flowers. Gosh! They are gorgeous growing in the garbage. I love it!

One sunny day, I was walking Ruby and I saw these beautiful flowers along our path. I crouched down and took a picture of these bright beautiful purple flowers. The next day, it was raining. I was walking Ruby along the same path and noticed the same flowers as yesterday all closed up. I of course crouched down and took a picture.

A guy who was outside noticed me crouched down with my phone out in the rain and called out, “Hey lady! What’cha doin?”

I called back, “Taking pictures of flowers!”

He responded with amazement, “Oh, you found some?”

That story makes me laugh but also makes me stand in awe of the craftsmanship of creation. No one told the flowers to open up to the sun’s warm rays. No one told the flowers to close up on the rainy days. Those flowers have endured the trash of the hood, and yet they thrive.

Humans are a lot like flowers. We are delicate, frail, and beautiful. A lot of us improve when we get sunlight. We all need water to stay hydrated. We are resilient. We can grow in the harshest environments. We know to close ourselves off when things are difficult as self-preservation and we open ourselves to goodness and light.

Humans are flowers. We can either make sweet fragrances or delicious fruits. We can be fly traps to keep the eco system in check. There are many types of plants.

No matter the plant you are, all plants need time and the right environment to grow. If you have to uproot yourself and go where you belong, go find yourself. The only person that keeps you where you are is you.

The Bible has a verse that says, “God opens doors that cannot be shut and closes doors that cannot be open.” Sometimes where you are is where you are meant to be. You just have to open your eyes and see the lessons you’re learning.

Resilience isn’t taught. It is learned. We are survivors. If you made it this far, you have a story to tell. Humanity is all learning and growing together. We just have to figure out our ecosystem. We all have a place here on this Earth. Let’s start giving out love and light. It is always nice to just stop and smell the flowers.

      

Let Your

Let your test be your testimony. Let your mess be your message. Let your light shine.

I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I am doing my best to do what I feel I am called to do. Sometimes when you are passionate about your calling, you have to let go of all the things or people that want to stop you.

I am living my truth. I share things on this blog because it is my mess that I want to use as my message. Without recognizing pain, we cannot make it better. Without exposing the dirt, it cannot be cleaned.

I don’t care what religious background you come from. I don’t care what belief you carry with you to survive this life. You are welcome. My love does not discriminate, and I won’t tell you how to live your life. All I can do is share my truth.

My goal is not to shame anyone. I don’t like being mean. I am great at it, but I’d rather be loving. If you are moved by my blog posts, I’d love to hear your feelings about it. Whether you disagree, don’t understand, feel conviction, or you’re just drawn to know more. That is my goal. Start conversations. I am a nobody. My words hold no power unless given.

I had to learn that for myself. Not everyone has something to say that I need to hear. No one controls how I feel. I am going to listen to my feelings. If I don’t feel happy around an individual, I don’t care about their feelings, I’m out. If this person holds a place of value to me, I will confront them. If they don’t want to listen or actually have a conversation with me then I will block. I don’t have time to be fighting with people. My mission is to draw people in and love them. I have no other agenda. Your convictions are just that… Yours. Please do not cast your shame or burdens on me. I am not Jesus.

Jesus did tell us to cast our cares upon Him. We can’t do that though unless we first humble ourselves. Ask yourself, what part did I play in the pain? Ask yourself, what am I afraid of people knowing about me? We need to stop treating sin like it is something worthy of hiding or holding on to. If you fill a garbage can with garbage and never bring it to the curb for sanitation to take, you may have a clean house, but it is still full of garbage.   

I may make a fool of myself admitting to my brokenness, but the Jesus I serve was displayed naked, torn apart, and bloody on a cross so that I didn’t have to pretend I am perfect or struggle with sin anymore. He died so that sin has NO HOLD ON ME! You cannot shame me for my sins. “Who among you have not sinned? Cast the first stone.”- Jesus and He says that for everyone.  

Let your garbage (anxieties, worries, sin, shame, feeling unworthy, striving for perfection, depression) go to sanitation. If you need someone to help you uncover the garbage you’re hoarding, I’d love to bring you to Jesus. I know I make it sound so easy, but it is. I am living proof of it.

Welcome to the new gospel according to Christa Lily. God has called me to this moment. I am in Christ and therefore I am a new creation. I will continue to walk in my freedom under any circumstance. I hope you will join me and walk in His marvelous light.  

1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God [set aside self-righteous pride], so that He may exalt you [to a place of honor in His service] at the appropriate time, casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection and watches over you very carefully].  

I'm Only Human

I’ve finally done it. I stood up to my greatest bully of all. As innocent as she will cry to be, I do not apologize for my actions. I got angry.

I got scary angry to a point where I didn’t even recognize my own voice. I got so angry, I scared Ruby. That is the one thing I am sorry for. Having Ruby have to see me like that. Having to witness anyone screaming out in anger, hurt, frustration, and just complete doneness is a lot for any living creature.

I grew up in an emotionally unstable house. Most of us do because before the internet parents just had a “learn as you go” parenting method. I don’t blame my parents, and I have no grudges towards them, but with knowledge comes understanding and freedom.

My life was not perfect. Many people assumed the best of my family because we are genuinely good people. But behind closed doors, our behavior did not match how we treated strangers. There was a gap between how we were perceived to how we treated each other.

I remember explosive screaming behavior my whole childhood. My mother would bottle up the small irritating things my father would do as he would stay silent about whatever was bothering him. Then over what seemed like the smallest incidence, an eruption would occur of anger between them. The house would be divided, and silence would fill the air.

These were the dark secrets I held onto. I am not great at managing my emotions. I am a VERY and I mean VERY emotional person. My least favorite emotion is uncontrolled anger. I would rather let someone walk all over me then confront them if I think talking to them would bring explosive rage. I’m not saying it is the right way to live. I’m just saying I am guilty of doing this.

The difference this time for my volcanic eruption is that I’m not sorry for it. I don’t feel wrong about what I did or even for what I said. I’ve sat quietly in the background and took on other people’s emotions instead of standing up for myself long enough.

I was screaming, but the person refused to listen to me (literally put music on). I was loud because the person stopped seeing me, so I wanted them to hear that I am here. I literally fell to my knees in the fetal position and cried, but they didn’t see me because they wouldn’t open their door. They gave me an empty threat of means things they could say to me, but when I asked them to share they refused to acknowledge me.

I can’t read minds. I am trying to heal and become the master of my own mind. I am giving of myself in ways that feel energizing and truly living my best life, but they don’t know about it. They know nothing about me because even though we live in the same place, they have no time for me. I try to ask about their day, I get short answers with a quick dash to their bedroom. They have no interest in me; I still don’t understand why.  

Our parents try to make it better by telling me to wait until things get better for them. Things will change when their circumstances are better. Unfortunately, I don’t accept abusive behaviors from people even if they are my family members or going through rough times. My life doesn’t cater to other people’s needs because it is an inconvenience to them that I clean up and organize our shared living space.  

I do my best to live the way I want to be treated. I shut down misogynistic comments, I cry with people who have lost loved ones, and I buy birthday presents for neighbors. I try to spread joy everywhere I go because I am truly filled with so much of it I feel like I could explode. And then I come home to someone ungrateful, disrespectful, self-absorbed, and rude to me.

I am only human. I will not take shit from anyone. If you’re not my dog, I’m not picking up and carrying your shit. That is my standard for how any human treats me.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

A few ways to know you are in an abusive relationship: 

·       You feel hesitant or worried about sharing anything with them. This includes feelings, passions, victories, hardships, asking for what you want or need.

·       You are often making excuses for them saying things like “well they only treat me that way when they’re ____.” “They only got upset because I got upset.” “The good outweighs the bad.” “They have never physically hurt me.”

·       You only tell your friends negative things about them. This includes complaining about all the behaviors you dislike about them. It also includes telling your friends about all the nice things you do for them and feeling like they don’t return that.

·       You allow negative behavior because you have given them a list of things to do if they upset you to make up for it. If they accomplish a simple task on the list, they still deserve your loyalty even though there is no change of behavior.

·       You wish you had more physical connection but feel like you are holding back because they do not initiate or want it.

·       You want less physical connection but feel pressured or uncomfortable when they force it on you.

·       They are condescending to you in any way shape or form. This includes mocking you about your weight or body shape; telling you how you should dress or look; belittling things that matter to you; not celebrating your accomplishments; making you feel lesser of a person.

·       You are constantly afraid of them leaving. Your friends have heard you say things like “When they leave.” “If they leave.” “I hope they don’t leave.” “Do you think they’ll leave?”

·       The relationship is easily threatened.

·       They are overly protective of you and do not want you hanging out with other people or making friends.

·       The energy you spend on them outweighs how much energy they spend on you or how much energy you spend on yourself.

·        They apologize a lot, but you never see a difference in behavior.

·       They never apologize because they are convinced or convince you, they did nothing wrong.

·        They do not respect your things.

·        They complain, but do not thank you for kind gestures.

·        They demand things from you.

·        They lie to your face when you know the truth.  

·        You have different standards for how they treat you than you would allow someone else to be treated. 

This is not just for romantic relationships. Read that list again and apply it to your friend group. 

If any of these bullet points made you think for even a second: “Am I in an abusive relationship?” The answer is 100% yes.

You have two options: Stay and hope they change OR leave and learn to value yourself because you are worthy of so much more.

If you are in serious danger, please call 911, reach out to a friend, or contact me on Facebook. I will get you the help you need if you reach out. You are not alone. It is not easy to leave an abuser, but it is possible to be a survivor of abuse.   

The bar is low. The standards for how we let other people treat us reveals the standard we have for ourselves. People do not understand their own worth. This does not excuse abusers. My message is for the ones being abused.

We will never believe the love that we have until we know what love is. If we are constantly picking at every imperfection, setting impossible standards, believing the bare minimum about ourselves, and hating our reflection- how can we possibly believe someone could love us? We have been trained to hate ourselves. 

We value ourselves in the eyes of strangers and wonder if we will ever be good enough.

I scream, ENOUGH!

No one will tell me whether or not I am beautiful- I am.

No one will tell me that I’m too this or too that- I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

No one will tell me how I should look or express myself- I hold my spotlight.

I never understood affirmations until I believed them. I wanted to live in a world where people were kind, and I could love freely. I always imagined I was damming up my love because the world didn’t want it. I kept being in relationships with people who rejected, smothered, and shut me down. 

I will take my share of the blame. If you want to tell me it's my fault. But the only blame I'll take was not realizing how valuable I am. A mistake, I will never make again.

Since I have undammed my love, I live in a world where people are loving and kind. I give out sincere compliments of love and affirmation and in return, I get the same amount of love and affirmation back. I don’t have to lower my standards of how I deserve to be treated. The people who are drawn to love, rise to the occasion.   

I am living the way I want to be treated because I treat myself that way every day. I am giving kindness out like confetti. Showering people with love like water. Uplifting people who I admire. I am living my best life! 

Love is free. Trust is earned. Boundaries are mandatory.

Say it loud and say it proud. These are the standards humanity needs to live by.

Love and appreciate yourself. You are amazing and no one needs to tell you that. Just live it 😊

Magic in Mundane

I’ll be the first to admit, I was living in a bubble of misery. I would complain about my life, I felt unhappy with my life choices, I regretted most interactions with people, and I was full of anxiety. I thought as an adult I would just grow out of my anxiety and depression, but the reality is they grew with me.

January 21^st, 2021 is a date where my entire world shattered. Sounds dramatic, but it felt on that day that it was the most life-altering earthquake. I was attacked and dismissed by a person who I called my best friend. To make matters worse, my other best friend sided with them. In a single moment, I lost my two best friends.

I had to get out of town, so I asked my dear friend Taylor if she wouldn’t mind me spending the last three weeks of February with her. She, a true friend, was thrilled at the idea. I tried to find Airbnbs where I could also bring my dog Ruby with me. Unfortunately, a lot of my options were limited due to COVID, so I asked Taylor’s parents if they wouldn’t mind housing me. To my delight, they were happy to have me and Ruby.

While staying in NC, I mentioned I learned things about myself. Another thing I learned is finding magic in the mundane. Living with Taylor’s family made me realize that I don’t tell the people in my life enough how much I love them. Somehow, I had let myself get so caught up in what I thought were mundane life rituals that I forgot to see the magic in it. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

I have to take the garbage out at my house. I used to do it grudgingly because I was the only person who did it. In NC, without a second thought, if the garbage was too full, I’d take it out and put a new bag in the container. One time, Taylor’s dad caught me. He was thankful for something I didn’t think twice about doing. Doing a mundane act for someone who appreciates it makes it less of a chore and more of a delight.

Now the best part about this is that I don’t need to do anything for anyone. I can take out the garbage in my house because I enjoy living in a clean space. I get to be grateful that I can even make garbage because I am alive. Making a mess and cleaning it up isn’t a punishment. Sometimes I truly felt that way; afraid to make a mess because I would also have to be the one to clean it up. But picking up after myself isn’t a chore now. It is a delight that I am free to express myself and take care of myself with so much love.

My mother put it best when she said, “you act like you’ve been set free.” She’s not wrong. I finally understand the teachings of my childhood. I’ve finally met the Jesus who says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burden, and I will give you rest.” There is so much more to my story, but you’ll have to keep reading my blogs to know it. 

For now, I leave you with this. You are worthy of love. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are enough just as you are. Choose freedom over fear. Choose peace over chaos. Listen to the still small voice. I love because I am loved.

Motivation

I spent the last three weeks of February in North Carolina. While I was there, I learned a lot about myself. One thing I learned is what motivates me. I am motivated by my feelings. Now that may seem simplistic, but I like to explain myself, so this blog post is going to be longer than a statement.

People are motivated by different things-obviously. Some people are motivated by money, by praise, rewards, attention, etc. Knowing what motivates you is a really important life skill. Life can get very difficult at times; there are moments you need to be motivated to just get out of bed. Do you know what motivates you?

As sappy as this sounds, I am motivated by love. I will bend over backward for the people that I love. I will become the most helpful human being when I am overflowing with love. I will do the tasks that no one else wants to do if I love you. I will wake up at the crack of dawn and become a morning person because I love my dog.

Knowing this about myself is life-changing. Now, I can be on guard because someone could take advantage of my love. It was so sweet of my host while I was in NC, I told them I am happy to help always. Their response was “I know, and I won’t take advantage of that.” It caught me off guard. I never thought they would but having them say it just made me love them more and want to do anything for them.

Something else I started doing while in NC was working out. I learned that my body starts losing muscle at 30. If I don’t start building up muscle now, my body will deplete itself the older I get and take away from the muscle I need. Though I can build up muscle when I’m older, it will be harder. I’ve never been good at keeping up with exercising. I’d lose motivation. But I have new motivation now.

I choose to love myself. I am newly motivated to take care of my body not because it will make me look better, but because I love my body. I love my body so much, I want to go to sleep at a decent hour so that I can be healthy. I love myself so much, I am motivated to do those chores that used to annoy me.

Even though I was not reckless in NC, I came back with Covid. I have been lovingly nursing myself back to health. I’m drinking lots of water, resting a lot, and staying home. I was really looking forward to getting into the swing of my new life full of love, but instead, I am reminded of the importance to be still. You’d think isolation would make me bored, but it has only made me reflective and grateful.

I love my life. I love the amazing people who are in it. I love my dog so much. My life is full of love and when I dwell in that love, I am motivated to take on anything.   

Identify Me

How well do you want to know me? Your choices are the same as cooking meat.

1.     Rare- You hardly know me. You’ve seen my face, we are Facebook friends, and you double click or like my posts with very little thought after.

2.     Medium Rare- You can put together an idea of who I am based on my social media. You’ve had some interaction with me and wouldn’t be nervous to shoot me a dm. You’ll comment on a post or even shoot an “I miss you” comment on a photo.

3.     Medium Well- You know things about me that only people can learn by spending time with me. You’ve experienced my ramblings. It won’t matter how much time has passed, you’ll pick up the phone and call me when you miss me. Our conversations are easy. The moments we share are quality over quantity.

4.     Well Done- You have discovered more about me because you have seen me at my worst. The trust I share with you causes the worst kind of chasm when broken.

The choice of how well you know me is both my choice and yours. If I was to ask different people in my life to identify me with a few words and a couple of examples, I’d get different answers depending on who you ask. You might be thinking, “Uh does that mean you’re fake or different around different people?” At least, I want you to think that so I can continue with this blog post.

The answer is yes. I am a social chameleon. I’ll observe and read the room before I adapt to the role I’d like to play. Sometimes I choose to not interact with certain people. Sometimes I choose to say very little because I’d rather just listen. Sometimes I want to be the center of attention and get everything out that’s in my head. I’m not trying to be deceitful or trick anyone, but I can’t always be perfectly consistent.

I listened to a great audiobook called An Anonymous Girl by Greer Hendricks. In the book, the main character Jessica gets into an ethical and moral experiment run by a psychology Ph.D. professor Dr. Shields. Jessica goes into therapy with Dr. Shields and starts to become very aware of herself. Jessica started keeping secrets from her therapist. And that’s all I’m going to share about that book. Read or listen at your own leisure.

The thought about holding my own secrets started to excite me. There are things about myself I know that no one does. There are also things no one needs to know. That is my privilege. There are always things I can keep to myself. No one has the right to know everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I just want to take care of my own wounds or celebrate my own personal successes. We live in such an external world. Sometimes we forget about our inner sanctum.

I am thankful for all my external connections to this world. The people that have crossed my path, whether significantly or insignificantly, are all a part of my history. I like to believe we are all connected somehow and that matters.

Identify me based on the meat cooking scale. You can’t get to well done without staying in the heat longer.

My new blue AND purple hair! 

My Reason to be Brave

Someone once told me that they were not afraid of anything. I said, “that’s foolish. Fear is an important emotion that keeps us alert. Instead, be fearless because you have fear just less of it.”

I was thinking about patterns in my life. I’ve always needed a reason to be brave. I just don’t like doing things just because I can. I was going to try to become more independent, but my anxiety just got worse. I definitely became codependent on other people. I recognize this tendency in me. So, I’m trying to be less dependent.

Alora. My reason to be brave now is Ruby. Having Ruby gives me the courage to go on adventures. I would not feel safe venturing on my own. Having Ruby with me makes me excited to go places. I can’t take her everywhere and that is okay, but I really do love having a dog.

I’m going on a trip. A huge self-love trip. I’m taking Ruby, and I’m chasing the sun. I’m running towards a change of scenery. I’ve been feeling so trapped lately. Now there is literally nothing holding me back. I can bring my dog, and I can take a long road trip. I’m not being brave for just me. I’m also being brave for Ruby.

When I studied abroad, I had no intentions of traveling all around the world by myself. I’m way too small of a person. I’m terrified of being kidnapped. I can be pretty naïve too. But when I met Taylor (my roommate), we were brave together. I knew that I would kill someone to protect Taylor. If I was alone, I wouldn’t of left Florence. She was my reason to be brave. We had so much fun on our adventures.

I don’t think I’m brave. I can rise to the occasion, but I won’t do it for myself. I have gotten over many fears in order to take care of myself though. I used to have a lot of anxiety going grocery shopping and/or any kind of shopping. Now I am okay. I listen to music or just talk to myself. My mask covers me, so no one knows if I am on the phone or not.

I’m about to have a complete change. I’m really excited. I’m choosing these changes as an expression of who I am and who I hope to be. I’m getting new glasses! Also, I’m dyeing my hair blue! I don’t have a lot of hair. I am trying to grow it out. I also want to chop it all off. My incentive for keeping my hair is to make it blue. Purple is still my favorite color, but I don’t feel purple. I feel blue.

I feel pretty sad, but I also know that I’m going to get better. Moving forward instead of back. There is little that I can control. I’m really trying to channel my feelings through art. A new song, some artwork, more coloring, some writings, etc. Who knows? The opportunities are limitless. I may just sit in the sun and take a nap.

Express Yourself

I wrote a poem today. I learned how to write poetry like this in middle school. Mrs. Russo was my teacher. I loved writing in her class. I used to spill pages upon pages of my imagination into the real world. I decided to dabble with this poem writing style again. Can an English major or anyone who knows what this kind of poetry/writing is called, please tell me? I don't remember.

Expression looks different for everyone. How we express ourselves is uniquely our own. I had an emotionally heavy weak. I finally went to the beach and screamed at the end of the pier into the dark, cold abyss. I don't believe life is life without the ups and downs. Tidal waves come and go. That's life. Let it be.   

 

Trapped

Before the new year began, a lady backed into my car while it was parked. She did a heck of a good job busting up the hood of my car. I have been car-less for a week. It has not been my favorite. The things we take for granted when they are right there. The worst thing is with the holiday and the weekend, I still don’t have a clue what the verdict is for my car. Is it fixable?

I remember when I didn’t have a car. As a little kid, I remember having to depend on my parents to drive me everywhere. I never really paid attention to how close or far a place was because it was my parents’ job to get me there. Friends’ houses or sport events on the weekend. Besides getting on my bike or walking to places, my parents were my sole transportation.

As an adult, I don’t like feeling trapped and/or dependent on others to get me places. I think it is partially a control thing. I feel some anxiety knowing I can’t just leave if I want to. The silly thing is, I don’t really go out that much anyway. The idea of running a quick errand or even taking Riot to the park without my car makes my stomach drop. I can’t. I can’t do anything on my own.

I’m trying not to overthink it. I’m trying not to stress about it. But the unknown is killing me. When will my car be fixed? Can it be fixed? Will I have to get a new car? None of these things were on my radar to worry about for the new year and yet I do. I don’t do great with major change. I’m not sure what the secret is.

On a positive note, I wasn’t in the car when it got hit. I am safe. My dog is safe. The lady who hit my car is safe. It was just one of those stupid things that happen in life. Random chaos. Out of my control. Hopefully, I’ll know something in the coming week.

Happy new year, all!