The Grass is Always Greener...

…where you water it. Did you think I was going to say something else? Perhaps you thought I would say “on the other side.” But I don’t understand that phrase. It makes no sense to me. Growing grass is not an easy task. Those who take care of their lawn get green grass. If you are just starting to grow grass, it takes steps. Five steps to be exact.

The first step to growing grass is buying the best seed. Did you know there are different types of grass seeds? Just like how there are different types of careers. If you want green grass, you must pick the best job for you. People assume the path to success looks the same for everyone, but it doesn’t. Success is measured differently by everyone. Having a lot of money does not measure success. Having a high position job does not measure success. Those are just the paths to success other people took. A low-level position worker can also feel successful because they love their job.

Step two for growing grass is to prepare the soil. Your mind is the soil. Are you pumped about the career you chose? Can you picture yourself being whatever it is you want to be or that you are? I learned from Dr. Joe Dispenza that I have the power to create my future. If I can imagine myself doing it, I can get it done. I’m not convincing, tricking, or hoping that I can see myself being a mental health counselor. I can see myself as being one. There is no doubt in my mind. My soil is prepared.

Step three is planting the seed. You picked the career so now you either apply for the job, go to school, or take on the role of entrepreneur. For me, I am taking the year off to get more experience in a people focused field. I do plan on going for my masters in 2019. I want to learn as much as I can in the meantime. Remember, you have only planted the seed. Does not mean you have green grass yet. Planting the seed is just the commitment to nurturing it. Planting the seed does not guarantee success, but there are two more steps left.

Step four is covering the seed. Birds like to eat grass seed. People can potentially discourage you from your career choice. The thing that matters the most is how you feel and think about the choice you made. If you are fully confident in the decision you’ve made, protect it. Be excited about it so people cannot undo the work you have accomplished or try to dull the passion you have. You will lose some grass seed, but do not be discouraged. If you spread it out well and added extra, you can still grow grass. It won’t matter how well you covered your seed unless you have accomplished the final step.

Step five is water often. Grass needs a lot of attention. You cannot just plant the seed and hope it grows. You have to water it and not just once or twice, but often. That means periodically, every day even. The best way to be successful in your future career is to show up. Be fully present in your job and give it your 100% best. I’m not going to tell you to “work hard.” Watering grass doesn’t have to take that much effort. Just remember to turn the water on and use a sprinkler system. People associate work with difficult or challenging. But if you love your job, maybe it will feel natural to put in the effort. Doesn’t mean there won’t be challenging days, but you will overcome them.

Successful people come in all forms. We admire people who have millions and who are the CEOs of major companies, but what people forget to see is the efforts they put into watering their grass. No one magically becomes a successful business owner. There is failure, defeat, hard times, challenges, rough patches, dead grass, and weeds. The difference between their grass and yours is that they kept watering it. They did not let the hard times stop them from taking care of what needed to be done.

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it is because you envy someone who has taken the time to water their grass. Even if you tried to take over their grass, it would die if you don’t plan on taking care of it. Grass is never just handed to you green. Grass won’t stay green if not properly cared for. Does not matter where you go. The effort to take care of grass is unavoidable.

I never wanted to be an accountant. I picked that seed because I knew I could get a job. I planted the seed, but never covered it. I showed up, but never watered it. I did an internship that made me realize that my grass was never going to grow in that field. I was not going to be successful. I could have easily gotten a job, but it would not have been a success for me. My success is now measured by my level of mental and physical health.  

As a caregiver, I show up and I enjoy my time. I can read books, watch Netflix, and even write this blog post on the job. Success! I am working the days I want to work. Success! The first client I have is not difficult to be with, and we have even formed a friendship. Success! I have plans to work with other clients soon to expand my knowledge and skills on caregiving. Success! I am not rich or famous. I do not have a high-level position. I do not own a home. But none of those things matter to me. I choose to water my grass. Now my grass is green.

Good luck with yours…

This is Me

The last two months have been a whirlwind for me. End of July, I was introduced to Dr. Joe Dispenza. He has changed my entire way of thinking. I didn’t actually meet the guy; I listened to him on YouTube. None the less, I was reborn. Since I am no longer who everyone thinks I am, I decided to create this blog as an introduction.

Hello, my name is Christa Lily. I moved out of my childhood home on August 1st. I’m living in an apartment with my best friend since 4^th grade named Micaela. I have two cats (half-brothers Walter and Sibastyan) and a YouTube channel. I am a caregiver for the elderly with Touching Hearts at Home. I have a passion to learn and observe human behavior which leads me to analyze my behavior as well as others around me.

Okay now that we got that out of the way, I really want to talk about how I have made this change in my life.

I used to live in my past. My emotions that caused me to hate life so much were rooted in what had already happened to me. I made neurological connections in my brain for situations and the outcomes. When I love someone, it only causes me pain when they are no longer in my life. If I take medicine for my depression, I am only going to have a negative reaction. If someone offers to help me, they are only going to if it is convenient. When I try to stop being depressed, I will only become depressed again eventually. My life was on a loop.

I had created my future by looking at my past. I was forever doomed to live in a state of feeling broken, lacking, and sometimes being numb. Who could blame me though? I had some pretty shitty things happen. The strongest connections my brain made were those during the lowest points of my life.

The connections made from my past, I used as the road map of my future. I was heading for a dead end. Literally, I wanted to end my life. I did not see the point of living when the future ahead of me was a reflection of my past…miserable. Why would I want that for myself?

Dr. Joe’s talk (the one I listened to on my rebirthday) was about creating a new future for yourself. I never thought I had the power to reshape my future. I never thought about taking each day free from the baggage of the past. I have heard all the cliché lines about letting go of the past. I have read self-help books and learned coping skills. But what Dr. Joe said was different than anything I had heard before.

My emotions, my reactions, and my assumptions were all rooted in my past. Everything that made up who I was, was my past. That me is dead now. I killed her. There is no way for me to repeat the past because I am not the same person. I am training my mind to think the way I want to benefit me the most. I am making conscious decisions on how I handle situations instead of just letting myself react to them based on prior knowledge. Analyzing myself through meditation, I find the connections from my past experiences and choose to not let them affect me now.

I have taken control of my future. My future is still an unknown because I have no idea what events will occur, but I am not afraid. I don’t face unknowns as something to be feared, but more so as an opportunity for growth. I take each moment as it is and not as a connection to something from my past. I will not be so easily triggered into my past feelings just because it is the comfortable/known reaction to what I thought was a solution. I am having new and improved feelings. I am being mindful of the way I am reacting and thinking.

Everyone who knows me has their own neurological connections of who I am. On the contrary, it is who they THINK I am. But I am no longer shy to correct those who assume wrongly about me. Whoever you think I am should die. You need to meet who I really am because this is me.

Check out Dr. Joe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La9oLLoI5Rc&t=6s

The Dark Side of Love

Love is such a complicated idea, but people tend to throw out “I love you” like it is supposed to mean something. Think about how often love is used. We use love in advertising, in songs, in movie plots, in art, in describing sex, in relationships, on clothing, and to express ourselves etc. The dilemma is: do people really take the time to think about what that means?

I have a few questions about love for starters- What does it mean to love someone? What does love look like? Can you prove you love someone? Is love just a feeling? Is love just a chemical in your brain? Can you run out of love? Does love conquer all or is love gentle? Is love freedom or is love bondage? 

I want to explore the dark side of love.

People fall in love, but they don’t realize that falling in love can be just as dangerous as being hateful. Love causes you to have crazy emotions, do weird things, and have expectations. When we love, we often forget that love is not a contract. An “I love you” does not mean I owe you something and you owe me something; it is not a form of currency to manipulate others. “I love you” does not mean you get to make my life decisions and live for me. 

I love you is a verbal expression of feelings you have about a person. Love helps you to enjoy their existence more selfishly. The reasons you choose to love someone are your own; they should not involve the other person. That might sound confusing, but I don’t need someone to love me back for me to adore them. An example would be celebrities. A celebrity will never love you back the way you love them. When people become infatuated with celebrities there is never an expectation, rarely do we meet them, but we love them anyway. We pledge loyalty and support to them by calling ourselves fans. Is that really love if you have never actually met them? I don’t know. That is just another question about the power of love.

I think we need a wakeup call on the definition of love. Love should not be an expectation on another person to return it. Love should not be a bondage that keeps a person on a leash connected to you. Love is not a bargaining chip in an argument. Loving someone does not make them your possession. It is only an expression of your feelings/opinion. Love is a- you decision. It should not involve anyone else. 

Love can be an amazing feeling to have, but when abused it can really crush another person. The next time you say “I love you” to someone, think about what that really means to you. Do you love them because of something they do or just because you want to regardless of what they do?

Let’s Have a Discussion

I am going to bring a controversial topic to the table. The conversation might be uncomfortable. You might have really strong feelings about it. You might have already done your research and you know all of the facts about it. Or maybe you have no idea about this topic at all. You may have no opinions about it. You might not even care to hear about it. Or maybe you have feelings about this topic based on what someone has told you. You might have feelings about this topic because you have experienced it yourself and behind all your feelings is evidence to prove it. Either way, let’s talk about it.

So for all of you ready to argue with me about the mystery topic above, hold your horses. I do not really have a controversial topic in mind. The topic I really want to talk about is having controversial discussions.

It has come to my attention that too many people are afraid of having discussions on topics they may disagree with, have strong feelings about, or are uncomfortable about. We often label these kinds of discussions as arguments. People often end up upset, yelling, and there is a lot of disagreement. It just gets really ugly.

People like to approach contradicting discussions closed-mindedly. I’m sure you have met those kinds of people. No matter what you say, you are never heard because they are so stuck on their own opinion. Your words are useless to penetrate their barricade. Their mind is made up and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Maybe you are that person who never listens to the other person’s side of the discussion. If that is the case, I really hope you take this blog post to heart. No one likes to talk to you when you do that. You will lose a lot of friends and you will not be invited to parties. If you don’t care about popularity, then you do you. I am not going to scold you on how you decide to live your life. I’m just letting you know it is unpleasant to other people who have to share this planet with you.

Anyway, I feel like there are a lot of missed opportunities to learn because people are too afraid to have discussions. Just because someone brings up a controversial topic to you does not mean you have to change your mind about that topic. You can have your strong feelings about a topic and still approach a conversation open-mindedly. You might not see eye to eye with someone, but that does not mean you have to disassociate with them. There is always room for discussion and compromise.

Even yes or no questions can have compromising answers. I feel like people forget that yes or no questions can be answered either way. Humans often get so stuck that the way they think the question should be answered is the right way. When I ask yes or no questions, I give people permission to say no because I know some people feel weird about giving me an answer I don’t want to hear. The truth is, I asked the question not sure what that answer would be. I had no expectations. I would not have asked the question if I did not want your actual response.

In my life, I look for people that will challenge me. I want people in my life who compliment or heighten my strengths and alleviate my weaknesses. I cannot get that by spending time with people just like me. I put a lot of effort into improving myself. I never want to act like the smartest person in the room. There will always be people who are smarter than me. There will always be people who are not as smart as me, but that does not mean I cannot learn from them. Everyone has something to offer. I can learn from every experience. I can learn from all kinds of interactions. I am constantly updating my information system in my mind.

So please! The next time someone approaches you with an uncomfortable, controversial, or even strange topic, listen a little. See what you can learn from it. Take the time to hear the person out and see if they are interested in hearing your opinions or ideas on the topic. You might just have a really interesting discussion. 

Uncharted Terriroty

Growing up, I was always looking for a hero. I wanted to find a hero in a significant other, a mentor, a family member, or a best friend. I was just looking for someone to pull me out of my darkness, get me out of my head. I wanted someone else to show me the use of living in a world I never asked to be a part of. I wanted the luxury of depending on someone else to fix me.

Turns out, all that time, I was never broken. I was merely trying to fit myself into a mold I did not belong in. My Uncle Fino gave my older sister and I some sound advice. He told us the only thing you should lean on to support yourself is your own two feet. All other relationships are a bonus. A good marriage is a bonus. A good friend is a bonus.

You probably wonder what that advice has to do with me trying to fit into a mold I don’t belong in. Well, it actually does a lot. For years, I have been trying to lean on other people for help. I’ve searched outwardly for my peace of mind. Taking Intro to Philosophy has been the first time in my life that I realize there is nothing wrong with the way I think. I just think philosophically. I come up with my own theories for my life, and I live by them.

I am about to graduate College soon. A lot of change is coming my way and to be completely honest, I’m more nervous than excited. My professor Hugh Lambert once told me, “There is no such thing as a bad experience.” He believed that every experience was a learning experience. Dr. Marcia O’Brien told me recently, “Collect all the experience you can to be ready for your purpose.” She believed that the reason I do not know my purpose now is because I am not prepared to fulfill that role in my life. It makes incredible sense to me. If I knew my purpose now and couldn’t fulfill it because I lacked the skills, I’d be crushed.

So why am I so nervous about the change to come? I have started to make a statement to my friend that goes like this “I don’t want to make decisions for future me.” It makes planning details for the future terrible, but for the most part, it doesn’t hinder us from doing spontaneous things.

The point: I am still getting to know myself. That seems really odd, but I have lived a lot of my life because people have wanted me to. I will not commit suicide because I know it will hurt the people who love me. I was not living out of the pure idea of enjoying my life. I have always felt trapped in this life. There was no escape from the future of who people expected me to be.

I am a people pleaser. I think it is one of my biggest flaws. I neglect taking care of myself so I can take care of other people. I care too much about how others perceive me that I don’t even know how I perceive myself. I have social anxiety because the more people that know me, the more people have opinions about me. I begin to exist in the minds of more people.

It honestly brings me peace of mind when people share their opinions of me with me. One of my professors recently told me how much they admire me for who I am. I was not even trying to impress that professor. By just doing me, I made an impact. Clearly, I am not a terrible person after all.

My life seems very much out of my control most of the time. It drives me crazy that I cannot just be a simple-minded human being. But I’ll never be what I am not. My mind is uncharted territory. I must take the time to get to know myself just as much as I need to take the time to get to know someone else. My life has taken off without me being present for most of it. I have lost myself in the commotion of who I thought I was supposed to be.

I want to live because who I am today won’t be the same person as who I am tomorrow. I’m not going to be fickle in my decisions, but I won’t force myself to do things I do not like to do just because it makes someone else happy. I am not going to neglect my own preference of doing something just because it is not the norm. I’m not going to disregard other people’s feelings, but I won’t live my life for someone else. I want to live because I owe it to myself to see what happens next in the uncharted territory. 

I don't usually do this, but check out my YouTube channel. This is my latest post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVSTrcFvKVQ 

Puzzled

A puzzle by dictionary definition is “a toy, problem, or other contrivance designed to amuse by presenting difficulties to be solved by ingenuity or patient effort.” As a verb, the word means, “to be perplexed or confused.” It is interesting to me that humans created a toy to purposefully cause us to be perplexed and confused.

I like making connections. I get very excited when I find puzzle pieces that go together. But if I’m being honest, I am not very good at puzzles. I often assume there’s a piece missing even if it’s a brand-new puzzle. My real problem is that sometimes I don’t look hard enough for the piece I want. Other times, my problem is that the ‘missing’ piece was right in front of me the whole time, and I was looking at it the wrong way. I was so convinced the piece belonged somewhere else that I did not even try to place in the correct spot.

All pieces of a puzzle have a specific and perfect spot. No other piece will do. The puzzle looks dumb if you try to put the wrong pieces together. Sometimes you have those almost fits, but you can tell it’s off. The image of a puzzle makes more sense the more and more you make the connections between pieces. Eventually, all the pieces fall into place and the pride of accomplishment is felt. You overcame the perplex and confusing toy.

Life is like a puzzle. Now, I’m sure you have heard this analogy before, but I encourage you to read on to see what I have to say about it.

Somehow, in the vastness of the universe, you were born. Choices were made throughout the ages that eventually brought you to this planet we call Earth. Your value is insignificant against the 7 billion other people that live on this planet, but you made it here. And the puzzle begins, the moment you take your first breath.

Congratulation to all those chosen to be on this Earth. It is often believed that we are here for a reason. As we grow older, we learn about the world we live in. Whether you are born into privilege, you were born into poverty or somewhere in between, that is the world you come to know. Every experience you have, adds another piece to the puzzlement of your existence and creates an image of your character.

Humans are often searching for their purpose in life. We often have goals and strive for something. Some people strive to understand their existence, some strive for happiness, some strive to improve themselves, and some strive for power. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we are all striving for something. That’s why there are sciences, religions, and hobbies. We want our lives to be meaningful.

I sometimes feel very overwhelmed by the puzzlement of my existence. I cannot explain why something happened in my life. I cannot understand why some people live longer on this planet and some are taken away—especially when it feels too soon. I cannot tell you why some people exist, and others are never given the chance. Sometimes, I can’t even understand my own choices. There are times when I feel like none of the pieces of my life fit together.  

For all those who are also stuck in the puzzle making process of life, you’re not alone. Sometimes it helps to step back from a situation and look at the bigger picture. During chaos, heartbreak, depression, sorrow, loss, defeat, or pain, we often look at pieces of life the wrong way. We are convinced life was supposed to be one way, but those pieces did not match up. As we get older or further away from a situation, we can sometimes see the purpose of the event. Don’t give up hope. There is something meaningful in life’s challenges. I do not have the perfect cure for feeling this way, but I encourage all to press on. I find some peace of mind by believing that one day I will get to see the image my life creates.

Just like a puzzle, I believe life is perplexing and confusing, but eventually, all the pieces fall into place. I believe we were chosen to be on this Earth for a reason. I believe the choices we make, and the events of our lives add more pieces to our life puzzle. I believe our striving for purpose in life is intentional. I believe more things could be resolved if people did more self-reflection to understand what kind of image they wanted their life to create. I believe there is hope in life.

My great-grandmother, Baba, used to say, “If you want to believe it, believe it. If you don’t want to believe it, don’t believe it!” My blogs are not meant to convince you of anything, but to challenge you to think. I hope I gave you a new perspective on life.

The Science of Human Interaction

Now let me be clear, I am not a scientist. So why I titled this “the science of human interaction” is to be dramatic. Just kidding! My new purpose is to establish myself as a philosopher. Now you probably wonder what philosophy has to do with science. Well, stop your wondering because you are about to be enlightened. Philosophy is the building block of all sciences because philosophers asked questions. When you ask questions, those questions demand answers and then people specialize in specific branches of philosophy aka science. Another thing philosophers do is explain the world in theories so everyone else can reflect on those theories and question whether it is true or false. Wait no further everyone, for here is my theory on the science of human interaction.

I believe there is more to a human being than just their physical bodies. I think humans have souls, spirits, or energy that make up who they are. Hold on because this view is important to my theory. If you disagree with me on this part, you might as well stop reading because you won’t agree with the rest of it. But for those believers of a greater depth to humanity, press on…

Have you ever thought about or reflected on an interaction you had with another person? You go over in your mind what you talked about, how they made you feel, or even what they looked like. What about those interactions over the phone? Do you think about how that person made you feel? Do you like the sound of their voice? Did you want to listen to what they were saying? If you have never reflected on these interactions, try. Next time you see someone or make a phone call think about that interaction. What about that person did you like? What did you dislike? Would you want to see them again or see them at all? It may seem like I am asking you to do a strange thing, but I believe we do this subconsciously.

Think about it. If someone makes you feel happy, you might smile after the interaction. If someone made you upset, you might make a scowl on your face. If someone was boring to be around, you might roll your eyes. Our bodies have a reaction to interactions without us thinking about it. But why don’t we think about these reactions?

Every person has their own soul, spirit, or energy that they bring to an interaction. Some people (extroverts especially) love sharing their energy with everyone and indulging in the energy of people around them. Their energy magnifies the more people they interact with. More than two extroverts in a room can cause an energy explosion. Enter the room with caution, there may be introvert causalities. I know extroverts, but I am no expert. I am only an introvert who knows how to be an extrovert when need be.

My soul, spirit, or energy gets replenished when I spend time alone. I enjoy my time writing in my journal, blogging, listening to music, or making music by myself. But this doesn’t mean I hate all human interaction.

Warning: I’m about to get real science-y. I’m sorry for those who do not like science but hang with me.

Just like there are different wavelengths for colors, I think there are different wavelengths for the amount of energy people give off. Another thing I think is that no wavelength is exactly the same. Every time humans interact these energy wavelengths overlap creating a harmony or discord.   

Think about your best friend. Why do you like them so much? A popular thing people say is “we vibe well together.” But what are they actually saying? Well I think, we are saying our energies work well together. The energies take and give from each other naturally without effort. No one is forcing the other person to stay around because both of you just want to. There is comfort and safety. There is balance and harmony. Best friends can fight, but their energy keeps them tied together.

Now think about someone you can’t stand to be around. They irk you, annoy you, and flat out ruin the mood when they walk in the room. Why? Why does this happen when this person is around? People might say, “We don’t vibe well together. We have different views on life. Their personality is overpowering.” Can you guess what I am going to say about this person? Maybe the reason you don’t get along with this person is because your energies clash. You cannot force harmony. You can be civil, polite and take the higher ground, but you can’t force connection.

Then there are those less fortunate situations where one person truly believes that your energies match, but you feel the complete opposite. It happens a lot, but at the end of the day, you cannot force harmony. True connection happens when both people want to give and take from the energy sources.

If you are on the short end of the stick feeling a connection the other person does not feel, do not take it personally. There are so many people on this planet that you will find someone that harmonizes with naturally. It is not your job to push your way into someone else’s life especially if you are not welcomed. No one should ever be forced into any kind of relationship.

Now if you are the person who does not feel the connection to a person who does, be gracious. There are kind ways to reject people. Read my blogs about it. They are still humans that should be treated with respect. If you are not interested in having them around, the polite thing to do is let them know. Don’t lead them on and don’t just disappear. Treat them how you would want to be treated in that situation. You never know, one day you’ll be on the short end of the stick wishing that person had the courtesy to break it to you easy.

I believe people can change their soul, spirit, or energy. As we enlighten ourselves, our wavelengths can become more accepting of others. As we learn and grow, our energy can change. Sometimes, our energies do match, but it takes us a little longer to truly understand the connection. So maybe you did not get along with a person in the past but find in the future you harmonize well. Anything is possible.  

I think human interaction is beautiful. I often overthink it, and I often get lost in trying to understand it all. We are creatures of community. There is a want for human connection, a harmony. We all need to be gracious to each other in our search for energies that connect. I think there would be less of a disturbance in the world if we just understood the delicacy, the art, the rhythm, and even the science of human interaction.  

I Choose to Forgive

How many have been hurt by another human being? How many have felt the heartbreak of rejection? How many have been wrongfully accused or wrongfully outcasted? How many have been told they are not good enough? How many have felt like when it rains it pours? How many feel like the universe is out to get them? I know I have felt all those things. I have been hurt by other people whether it was called for or not. I know what it’s like to feel like a victim. A victim of unfortunate events, of heartbreak, and of wrath. 

I do a lot of thinking. I over analyze and replay memories I have. I have documented the times I’ve been wrongfully hurt by others. I’ve recorded and stored in my mind the times when I felt like I deserved to be hurt. I have worn my scars like badges. I have experienced my life through the eyes of a victim. I have written my life story using the lenses of terrible events.

There is a song by Train called Bruises. It’s a cute duet that talks about how bruises make for better conversations. The events of our lives make us interesting. You are probably more prone to listen to the person telling an interesting story about themselves than someone telling a story that happened to someone else. I’m always interested in hearing the stories of how people got scars on their body or the meaning behind tattoos.

The point of this is that the majority of people go through hard times. Majority of people have probably been hurt by another human. The difference between me and maybe someone else who has been hurt is that I hold onto my hurts like a victim. I want to be cuddled and pitied. I want to be considered interesting or special because of what I’ve been through.

I’m calling myself out as pathetic. I have allowed myself to pretend that I’m better than someone else because I have experienced these hurts in my life. The truth is that I’m not better than anyone else. There are people who have gone through so much worse than me and they are happy. I have held my hurts and refused to forgive those who have wronged me. I have added the hurts to my collection to see when someone would be interested in hearing about them. I have lived in my past and have expected bad things to happen for my future. 

No more! I am making a change in my own mind. I am making a stance against myself. No longer will I see myself as better than someone else because I have suffered hurts of this life. No more will I hold onto these grudges against people for being imperfect. I am just as imperfect as the next person. 

I want to be forgiven when I do something wrong. I want to be seen as more than my hurts and my mistakes. If I expect other people to forgive me, I need to be the one to start forgiving! I believed I lived a miserable existence because I chose to believe that I deserved better than what this world could offer. The problem with this thinking is that I will always be disappointed.

I want to believe my issues are external. I want to believe that someone else can cure me. I so desperately want to do nothing but get different results. But all those things are unrealistic! I understand this now. I’m finally ready to admit that my problems are my fault. I have dug my grave and laid in it.

Now I’m not perfect, so as big as I write, I’m sure I will fall back into my grave at some point in time. It’s not easy to change your mindset, but I’m on the journey to. I’ve got my whole life to figure this thing out. So here I go. I choose to forgive. Forgive the people who have hurt me and to forgive myself.

I don’t want to take score on how many bad things can happen in my life. I just want to keep score on how often I truly learn and improve myself with every situation I handle in this life. I choose to forgive and move forward.