Invisible Beauty
My grandmother told me as long as I
could remember that I had too much beauty than a girl should be allowed. She
use to talk to my mother about locking me up and keeping my sacred beauty
hidden. Those words were foolish to my mother. Mother didn’t always agree with
my grandmother on raising me.
I remember sitting on Grandmother’s lap on my
10th birthday, she handed me a present. As a child, gifts made my
heart squeal for joy. This gift was different. There was some kind of meaning.
Grandmother opened the box for me and pulled out a locket. Inside of this
locket was a mirror. My grandmother told me, “This mirror looks right into your
soul. It sees what you truly look like.” The locket looked a lot like the
locket my mother always wore on her neck. Being ten though, I didn’t really
understand the meaning of the mirror. I would look at it all the time and saw
the same reflection I did in a regular mirror. If I could go back, I would have
asked Grandmother then what it meant. Unfortunately, I pretended like I knew.
Even now I’m afraid to ask.
I wear baggy close that don’t show off any of
my curves, wear dorky glasses that aren’t prescribed, keep my long thick black
hair in a bun, and wear long pants to hide my long slender legs. My disguise
keeps the boys away. At least, that’s what my grandmother tells me. My mother
passed away. Legally, I belong to my grandmother now. She tells me to be
grateful when she buys me clothes, but I don’t own a single thing that actually
fits me. Other girls get to look fashionable and I get to be made fun of. I
know that I’m prettier than all the girls in my school. If only I was able to
buy my own clothes.
“Hi.” Dalila is my only friend in high
school. We are total and complete rejects based on our looks alone. Sometimes
to make her feel better, I tell her that we are actually under cover models and
we don’t want to blind everyone with our beauty. Maybe for me that’s true, but
I don’t think Dalila has a chance in the real world. She’s got untamed hair,
real glasses, braces, an over bite, and bushy eyebrows. There really isn’t
anything going for her. I mean her figure is okay. I guess I wouldn’t really
know because of the way she dresses with so many layers. “Hi!”
“Oh hey, Dalila, I was just thinking.”
“About?”
“Our modeling careers.”
Dalila giggled, “Oh Ruta, you’re so funny.
You and your imagination. I wish I could have high hopes like you, but I really
think I’ll do better being a doctor, a lawyer, or the president so I can help
people. Models don’t do much to make the world a better place. In fact, they
cause a lot of teenagers-”
“Yes, yes you’re right, but do you ever think
of anything beside saving the world?”
Dalila blushed, “Not saving the world, just
making it a better place.” Sometimes I don’t understand Dalila’s logic. Why is
helping people so important to her? Doesn’t she think that she should look nice
before she helps people? They’ll probably reject her help if she tries helping
them looking like that.
“Oh my Gosh! There is just too much ugly in
one hallway. Really all of you need makeovers.” Audrey is the popular “pretty
girl” that rules our high school. How can such an airhead rule the school?
Beauty. How does that even make sense?
“I’m suffocating from the reek of your
perfume. The point of perfume is to smell it not to taste it.” I speak loud
enough so I know Audrey can hear it, but it isn’t directly to her.
“You know, Ruta, with a name like yours
alone, I wouldn’t talk to be heard. Besides you really don’t want to draw too
much attention to yourself looking so ugly and all.” Audrey giggled with her
clones.
“It really must be hard being you, Audrey,
since the only person you can get to be your friend is yourself.” I wasn’t
about to take crap from her again.
“Ruta, some day you’re gonna know your place.
How about you, Dalila, how do you feel about your ugly face?”
“Leave her alone, you Barbie doll.”
“No, Ruta, it’s really fine. I like my face
the way it is. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I faced palmed myself.
Why did Dalila always have to be so kind to everyone? Even mean people.
“Well I’m the beholder and I think you’re uglier
than a cow.” Audrey loves picking on the weaker link.
“Just leave her alone, Audrey. You know she
won’t fight back. She’s never mean to you so just go away.”
“I’ll leave her alone if you apologize for
breathing the same air as me and walking on the same earth as me.”
“Ugh,” how much I hate her, “I’m sorry.”
“For what, Ruta? Be specific.”
“You didn’t say I had to say all that!”
“Dalila is ugly. Dalila is a waste of space.
Dalila is-”
“I’m sorry for freakin’ breathing the same
air as you and walking on the same earth as you. Now go away!” I was ready to
explode.
“A bit of a temper there, Ruta. Does all that
anger come from your mom dying and leaving to the old hag?” I slammed Audrey
against those lockers faster than I could think not to.
With my arm at her throat I told her, “You
take that back or I swear I’ll make a mark on that stupid face of yours.”
Audrey screamed, “Not my face, you monster!
Ahhh!! Help me! Someone!”
“Girls, what is going on here?” a teacher
came out of their classroom.
“Ruta attacked me for no reason! She’s such a
monster. Ever since her mom died she takes her anger out on everyone. I was
innocently walking through the hall when she attacked. She acts like an animal.
She should be locked away.”
“That’s not true, you liar! You were picking
on Dalila and I.”
“Girls, that’s enough! You know how we don’t
allow violence in this school, Ruta. Maybe you should learn to talk things
out.”
“Yeah she should!”
“You should really learn how to control your
tongue, Audrey because you are the reason she got all fired up.” Dalila finally
spoke up.
“Did you witness this, Dalila? Who’s telling
the truth?” Of course the teacher knows Dalila. There isn’t a teacher in this
school that doesn’t.
“Audrey is flat out not telling the truth.
Audrey was being mean with her words and Ruta was trying to defend me. Then
Audrey said something very offensive to Ruta and that’s when Ruta exploded.”
Dalila sounded like she wanted to stay neutral even though I am the one who’s
her friend.
“What is it that she said, Ruta that made you
so angry?”
“She said-”
“I want Ruta to tell me, Dalila.” She looked
right at me. “What did Audrey say that upset you?”
“I don’t want to repeat it.” I just mumbled
that. It made so mad the first time, but if I repeat it again, I just might cry
and I refuse to do that in front of Audrey.
“Well if you can’t tell me what she said then
you get to go to the Principle’s office.” Audrey beamed from ear to ear. I
could have slammed that look off her face if the teacher wasn’t still starring
at me.
“Whatever.” I glanced at Dalila before I
turned to walk to the Principle’s office. I hope she got that it was a ‘Thanks
for nothing’ look.
I hope I get suspended. I hate these people
at this school. At least at my grandmother’s I can walk around in my room with
clothes I altered to look nice. I can let my hair down and look at how
beautiful I really am in the mirror. Stupid high school, stupid Grandmother,
stupid drunk driver. My mom never made me dressed like a hobo. We didn’t have a
lot of money, but I still looked cute. You’d think since my grandmother is rich
I’d have nice clothes, but no. No more compliments on how beautiful I am. No
more guys eyeing me. I’m practically invisible. Speaking of invisible, someone
just ran into me.
“Watch it, loser!” How much I hate these over
crowded hallways. Well here I am at the principles office. Unfortunately, I
knew this place well. My mother passing away the summer before high school has
been rough, I’m not gonna lie. It’s only natural that I’d have some anger. I
went from a normal kid to a hobo. Seriously, my grandmother gave away all my
clothes that actually fit me. Since I am 16, you’d think I could go shopping
for myself, but once I get back from school, I’m not allowed out of the house. Sometimes
I think about not going back. Running away, really. It isn’t like my
grandmother loves me. Heck, she’s so jealous of my beauty she hates me. She
doesn’t think girls should look as beautiful as me.
“Ruta, we meet again.” My principle is a
mysterious man. Normally, kids go in once and never want to be sent back there
so they become good or do everything in their power not to be caught being bad.
I’ve heard kids make up the weirdest of stories to get out of going to the
Principle’s office. Even teachers avoid going in there. I don’t get it though.
I really like our principle. I have this strange high from the feeling of
‘maybe he’s going to kill me’ or ‘he really is going to take over the world’ or
‘he use to work for the government and they scarred him for life so bad he
takes out his misery on children cause they are an easy target just like he was
to the government’. You see there are lots of conspiracies. I make them up
every time I enter his office. It is really cold in his office, he always has
the blinds close, the lights are always off, and he always faces the windows in
his big chair of his. I’ve been in his office maybe 10 times, but who’s
counting, and I’ve never seen his face. I see the top of his head though. He
has black shiny hair. His voice is deep with absolutely no dynamics. “Ruta, why
do you like coming back here so much? Aren’t you afraid of me like everyone
else?”
“No, should I be?” Normally, we don’t talk
for a while. We just sit there in silence until the bell rings and he tells me
to leave. I always wondered how that was supposed to help me, but I think it
creeps most other kids out. I’m use to eerie behavior though. My grandmother’s
friends are weird. In fact, so is my grandmother.
“I don’t know. Should you be? Do I come
across as scary?” Wow, the first time talking and he’s asking my opinion of
him.
“Nah, you’re not scary. Mysterious, eerie,
and unsocial maybe, but I wouldn’t write a scary story about you.” I think I am
hearing him chuckle. Now I feel my toes freezing.
“I like you, Ruta. You should stop in more
often. You make me smile.”
“Do you make noise when you smile because I
think I heard you chuckle back there.”
“Ruta, you can’t know all my secrets all in
one day.” The bell has finally wrung. “You may go. Enjoy your next class,
Science I believe.” Weird, he knows my schedule. Maybe because I’ve been here
so much he’s checked up on me. I hope I become a new victim of one of his
experiments.
“How was the Principle’s office?” How does
Dalila always find me in a crowd of people? I think there is a tracker on me.
“It was great just like the other 9 times.”
“Wow, you know most kids only go there once.
How do you survive in there?”
“I wouldn’t have to go there so often if
maybe you’d help me once in a while. Why do I always defend you when you never
help me in return?”
“I’m really sorry you feel that way. I
thought you liked the Principle’s cause you get to skip class. Would you rather
me defend you?”
“Are you serious? You do a crappy job
defending me so I can go to the Principle’s! Ugh! Now I’ve heard everything.”
“I’m really sorry, please forgive me.” Oh
Dalila why are you such a wimp. You apologize for everything and let people
walk all over you. Can’t you please have some kind of self-esteem?
“It’s really fine.” Off to Science I drag my
pathetic friend Dalila. Of course, I’m going to trip on my freakishly long
pants. Why can’t they just be normal length?
“Are you okay?”
“Yep, I’m perfectly fine. Just tripping on my
own stupid pair of pants.”
“Do you want to borrow a pair of my shorts? I
have some in my gym locker that are dress code appropriate, but they’ll also
fit you.” Wear shorts in school. I couldn’t, I shouldn’t, but I must.
“Sure I’d love to wear them.”
“Come on lets stop into the locker before
Math.” So Dalila you’re not good for nothing. You’re about to allow the whole
school to see my good-looking legs.
“Ruta, please come to the principle’s
office.” I think the world secretly hates me. Dalila and I were heading to the
locker room to get the shorts, but instead I get to go to my buddies the
Principle’s.
“What do you want?”
“Ruta, that is no way to greet a friend. I
saw you trip over your pants in the hall so I took the liberty in getting you
another pair.” How in the world did he see me trip in the hallway?? “Ruta,
there are cameras every where for security reasons. I use them to watch my
favorite students.” How is he reading my mind?
“So now I’m a favorite of yours? How do you
know what size I am? And why couldn’t I have worn my friend’s short.”
“Ruta, you know your grandmother would not
approve of that. She gave me special orders to keep an eye out for you.”
“Of course, you’re one of Grandmother’s eerie
friends. I saw some resemblance in the way you act.” He’s chuckling again.
“Ruta, in time, you’ll know who I really am,
but for now put these pants on and I’ll shorten those for you.” Wow this guy
gives me the creeps. No worries, though I don’t care.
“Yes, sir. Let me guess you have a special
changing room for me here in your office.” Again with the creepy chuckle.
“No, you can change in the girl’s room down
the hall. Ruta, I’m glad you’re not afraid of me.”
“The pleasure is all mine, sir.” I wonder if
he actually has a name. “By the way, do you have a name?”
“Ruta, for now sir is just fine.” I hear some
inflections in his voice. Oh no, this is where the bad guy turns soft and his
evil plan goes to ruins. This sir guy, he’s too much. I’ve only just started at
this high school and this guy is all over me. He must know what I really look
like. Maybe he’s a relative. What if he’s my… No that can’t be. Silly thought
not even worth finishing, but could he be?
“These pants fit length wise, but they sure
are ugly.”
“They don’t look that bad.”
“How would you know? You haven’t looked at me
since I walked into your office.”
“You would like for me to look at you
wouldn’t you. I’ve seen you through the cameras. Someday I’ll look at you, but
you’re way too clever for me to face you.”
“Well do I stay here until the bell rings or
should I go now?” So now he decides to stop talking. Guess his office his
rules. What did he mean about me being too clever? Maybe he is my-
“You can go now.” He sounds upset. I won’t
make any comments back. Slip out quickly and quietly this time. Why do I feel
like he reads my mind? Maybe that is how he freaks kids out. He’s a mind reader
and he knows what they are thinking and even plants thoughts in their mind, but
mine is too powerful to put thoughts into. Or maybe he’s putting thoughts in my
head that he doesn’t want me to know. Like the thought that maybe just maybe he
is my-
“Why did you get called to the Principle’s
this time? Are you wearing different pants?”
“Dalila! Why do you sneak up on me like
that?”
“Oh sorry I didn’t mean to-”
“I was just in the middle of a thought. Not
like you can see my thoughts so you wouldn’t know.” Or can she see my thoughts
and it’s all a conspiracy.
“See your thoughts. Now you’ve got such an
imagination. Thoughts can’t be seen logically.”
“Of course not. I was sent there to
get these pants. Long creepy story that I don’t really want to share at
school.”
“Could I come over after school?”
Why would she want to do that? She’s never asked to come over before.
“I don’t know. I’d have to ask my
grandmother. I don’t normally have guests over. I’m not sure how she’d react to
a request like that.”
“You make your grandmother sound
like a prison guard. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it, but after school we can
stop in the Principle’s office to call her ahead of time.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he has her on speed
dial.”
“Speed dial! Ha! Ruta, you’re so
funny!” Why is she so easily amused? I was being totally serious. From the way
he talked about her with me, he sounded like he knew her well. He even knew
about my ‘dress code’. I hate my life just as much as life hates me.
“You really should think more
positively.”
“I thought you couldn’t see my
thoughts?” She’s creeping me out. Guess that’s everyone’s plan for me today.
“You’re making angry faces. I just
guessed you were thinking negatively.” I guess I don’t think about what my face
is doing while I am deep in thought. Maybe she’s telling the truth and maybe
she’s one of them. That’s why she’s always by my side, but then why would she
offer me the shorts? Maybe it was to trip me up so I wouldn’t follow their
messy trial. I’m one step ahead of them though. They really can’t think they
can hide their hidden identities forever. I’m starting to believe more and more
now that everyone in this building is connected and somehow it’s also to me.
Not the kids, just the teachers and staff.
“Ruta, if you didn’t daydream so
much and paid attention maybe you wouldn’t be getting C’s on tests.” Wow
teacher lady why to embarrass me in front of the class. Too bad I don’t
actually care about stupid history.
“I can give you history 101, Mrs.
Stencil. People who are already dead did lots of good stuff that made the world
we live in now. Hurray.”
“Ruta, I don’t understand why you
have to be so disrespectful. If you speak like that again, I’m sending you to
the Principles.”
“Third times the charm. I’m out of
this place. Dalila, just meet me there, kay?”
“Ugh! Ruta, you’re impossible.”
“Thank you, thank you very much.”
These teachers are so stupid. Give me an opportunity to miss out on class and
they don’t think I’m gonna take it. Yeah right. I’d give up my right arm to
quit school now and live on my own as a stripper. Of course that wouldn’t be
righteous living, but who cares. It’s about time someone is impressed with how
beautiful I actually am.
“Why are you here again, Ruta.”
“Aren’t you all knowing? You tell
me, sir.” Oh boy, sounds like I made him mad. I’ve never heard him breathe so
heavily before.
“What don’t you like about school?”
“It’s boring. I’m not going to use
this information anyway. You don’t need a GPA to walk on a runway or pose for
pictures. What’s the point anyway? I don’t belong here. I get made fun of. I’m
a nobody.”
“Why can’t you just be content like
your friend, Dalila. Or should I rather call her the only friend who would have
you?”
“Dalila’s life is perfect. She’s got
everything going for her.”
“But she’s not beautiful.”
“So she’s smart.”
“Aren’t you smart?”
“I don’t know.”
“How will you know if you don’t
try?”
“You know, I didn’t really think I’d
be going through the hardest part of my life without my mother. I was given to
my grandmother cause my own father didn’t want me. What even happened to him in
my life? I don’t even remember him ever being there. My mother wouldn’t talk
about it either. So don’t lecture me, sir. Dalila’s had it easy.”
“Dalila’s an orphan.” Hold up and
freeze. I guess I never really talked to Dalila about her background. In fact,
I don’t talk to her about anything important. “I’m sorry about your father.”
Why did I even say anything?
“It’s whatever. I don’t even know
why I said that. Guess it’s just been in my mind and needed to explode out.”
“Your grandmother said that Dalila
could come over. She said since today is a special occasion.”
“What’s the special occasion?” Why
is there this special occasion that I don’t know about?
“Today is your birthday. Don’t you
remember?” Oh gosh. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Don’t just think to
yourself.”
“Ever since my mother died I don’t
pay attention to my birthday. This will be my second one without her. Crazy to
think I’m a sophomore. Last year, they let me pass with flying colors because…”
Keep back the tears. Why he can’t see me? But I’m sure he can hear me. Oh
stupid tears just stop. You’re not allowed to fall. Is the Principle holding me
right now? He knows he can be arrested for this. When did he even get up? I
didn’t hear him move. Dumb, I closed my eyes to keep back my tears. I think
he’s crying too. What kind of freak show am I? “I’m sorry. I’m fine you don’t
have to hold me. Besides you’re crushing my glasses.”
“Does your grandmother really make
you wear those even though you don’t need them?”
“Yes she does. She get’s so mad at
me if she sees me without them.”
“Close your eyes.”
“Okay, sir.” This is the part where
he kills me or rapes me or-
“You can open your eyes.” Or he goes
to sit back in his chair so I can’t see him. Isn’t he sneaky?
“Thanks for trying to comfort me.”
“I didn’t.”
“But you just-”
“You have no proof of that and
you’ll repeat it to no one.” His voice became mysterious again. Maybe he took
something from me while he held me, and he doesn’t want people to know. Or
maybe that’s so out of his character that no one would believe me anyway if I
said something so he’s saving me from embarrassment. “You can go. Dalila is
waiting. Remember to be kind. Happy birthday, Ruta.” I’m slightly freaked out
so I’m leaving without a word.
“So how was the Principle’s office?”
“Isn’t that a mouth full to say
every time I come out of the Principle’s office? We should just call it the
P.O. That will save you time.”
“Haha, okay. How was the P.O?”
“We just sat in silence again. He
called my grandmother, though. She said you could come over for my birthday.”
“It’s your birthday! I didn’t know.
I didn’t get you a present or anything!”
“It’s okay. I don’t really want
anything. Having you over is a present enough.”
“Thanks, Ruta, that is very kind of
you to say.” Normally, I just walk back to the house, but since I was bringing
Dalila, I decided we’d take public transportation. Nothing better than a bunch
of old people judging you for how you look and having to convince the bus
driver that you’re not a hobo. Gosh, I hate public transportation. It’s so
miserable. In fact, anywhere people are is pretty miserable.
“I don’t know about you, Ruta, but I
love people watching. I love trying to figure out what people are thinking and
looking for the good in everyone. I like seeing people’s beauty. Like the bus
driver, did you see her eyes? They were so big and brown. They were beautiful!”
We are definitely not living on the same planet.
“I didn’t really notice, but I’m
sure they were nice.”
“No! They weren’t just nice. They
are BEAUTIFUL!” Wow, she’s getting excited.
“Okay, Dalila, maybe you should tell
her that when we get off the bus.”
“I can’t. I’m too shy. Will you tell
her for me?” Me? The one who hates the world she wants me to tell the mean bus
driver that was convinced I was a hobo that she has beautiful eyes. I think
Dalila is mentally ill. But how can I deny her now knowing she’s an orphan.
“Yeah, I’ll tell her for you.”
“Oh thank you so much, Ruta! You’re
the best friend a girl could have!” Maybe that’s why Dalila isn’t well groomed.
The family that adopted her might be poor or they neglect her. They paid for
braces so they must care a little. I think I’ll give her one of my brushes.
“This is our stop.”
“Don’t forget to tell the bus
driver.” Ugh, I was hoping she’d forget. Well here I go walking to the front of
the bus to the bus driver. She’s already looking at me with those big brown
eyes. I swear they are going to swallow me whole.
“You have beautiful eyes.” I
couldn’t get that out of my mouth fast enough so it could be no longer there.
“Why thank you.” She smiled at me.
What? Weird sensation. Never had someone smile at me before. At least not a
stranger. Grandmother doesn’t really smile at me so I guess it is just Dalila
that smiles at me.
“See that wasn’t so bad.”
“Please never make me do that
again?”
“Oh, you didn’t like it?” Oh no
please don’t make that frowny face. Grow up, Dalila, you can’t always get your
way.
“Not really, no. I felt like her
eyes were going to eat me more than being beautiful. You have a gift I don’t
have for beauty. It’s your talent so you have to get up the nerve to share with
people.”
“Okay, Ruta.” I hate when she says
my name like that! It’s dripping in sadness and covered in disappointment. It
doesn’t matter. I’ll shake it off. I won’t discus that much further.
“Grandmother, we are home.” This big
large castle for house is way too larger for two people. If Grandmother didn’t
rent out the rooms once in awhile, I’d say it was a complete waste of money.
Specially, when she should spend some money to make me look like I can live in
a house like this.
“WOW! This place is beautiful! Which
one is your room?” Of course she’d think it’s beautiful. This is probably the
prettiest house she’s ever been in.
“Use your imagination. Where would I
hated princess live in a castle?”
“Well Cinderella lived in the
attic.”
“Close I live in the tower. Come on
it’s this way.” Grandmother probably would have locked me up here in this tower
if she could. It’s illegal now a days. Maybe she’ll hire me private tooters so
next year I can really spend every second in my tower. I really don’t mind it
up here.
“I never thought of you as a messy
person, until now. Why is your room so messy?”
“Sorry, I don’t normally have
company so I find no need to clean it. I know where everything is still. Hard
to believe I know.”
“For your birthday, can I help you
clean?”
“Is that something you want to do?”
What is wrong with her?
“Yes, I’d love to. May I have your
permission?”
“Clean away. Is it alright if I just
lay on my bed?”
“But of course. You don’t need
permission from me to lay on your own bed.” She’s got a point. Why did I ask? I
guess I am a little freaked out that she wants to clean my room. This is a new
one.
“Just let me know if I am in the way
at all.”
“You’ll be fine. I’ll work around
you.”
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