Mission Accomplished

When I decided back in January of 2020 that I would write two blog posts a month this year, I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d follow through. I have a tendency of giving up. I get comfortable. I also get a little anxious.

This year was quite interesting. I’ve survived it, though. Through all its ups and downs. I stand among the living. Taking every day as a gift. Some days are harder to see as a gift, but they pass. The clock of time keeps ticking, and we flow to its pulse.

The holidays bring a lot of memories to the surface. Christmases loud with family. Parties filled with friends. Balancing the feeling of gratitude and mourning. Gratitude for the loved ones that surround us and mourning the ones not around. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong way to deal with conflicting feelings, but I just cried a lot privately. Worked for me. I got through my feelings.

I am not going to continue the two blog posts a month for 2021. I think I’ll go back to being randomly inspired. My new year’s resolution for 2021 is to keep surprising myself. I’ll see what I’ll do. I’ve already done things this year I didn’t think I would.

I love writing out my thoughts. I love learning through experience, thought experiments, and other people. I appreciate a space to write out my thoughts and update people on what’s going on inside my head. A newsletter for my existence. It is a neat way of connecting with people.

I hope everyone has a safe and healthy 2021. You’ll hear from me in the new year...potentially.       

Make Believe

'Tis the season to believe in magic. To watch miracles come true in Christmas miracle movies. Where twinkle lights make dark streets bright. Warm drinks make you comfy and blankets are plenty. Penguin sweaters emerge from my closet. The days are cold, but the house is cozy. It’s magic.

I spent a lot of time playing make-believe as a child. My mom is a champion and went through all the boxes that were in the basement. (There were a lot of them) Amongst those boxes were my childhood toys. All in mint condition.

I loved Polly Pockets. I enjoyed playing with stuffed animals, dolls, and junk. I had a junk collection. I used to pretend I was a scientist and would use the junk for my experiments. I could entertain myself using anything. I gave pens, silverware, alien creatures, and numbers personalities. I could create anything with my imagination.  

I love to create. One of my favorite quotes is from George Bernard Shaw “Life isn’t about finding yourself. It is about creating yourself.” I used to create worlds as a child. Whether I was acting out a figure that already existed or creating a completely new character. I was the puppet master.

My imagination is powerful. I can take outside information, channel it through my imagination, and create an entirely different scenario out of it. I took a Pooh Pathology test. Each character in Winnie the Pooh represents a different psychological disorder. Pooh is ADD, Piglet is anxiety, Tiger is ADHD, Rabbit is OCD, Roo is autism, Eeyore is depression, and Christopher Robin is schizophrenic. My top result is Christopher Robin. My second highest is a tie between Rabbit, Piglet, and Eeyore.

Sometimes I can get caught up in my head. I create ideas or imagine life to be a certain way that doesn’t match reality. I’m aware that I do it just to escape. Get out of my head by going deeper into my imagination. I did the same thing as a child. I never grew out of playing make-believe. I know I can’t stay inside the world I’ve created in my head. I have to come back to reality eventually.

The cool thing about reality is that there are some moments that are just so perfect, I couldn’t have possibly made them up. There are people in my life that consistently show up for me. There are times I laugh so hard my lungs hurt. There are car rides with my best friends down twinkle light Main street with hot coco from Dunkin’. I can’t make that stuff up. Those are things about reality that put my imagination to shame.

Shout out to all the reality shakers out there- who imagine the world and create it for others to experience. I think every dream starts with some imagination. Also, shout out to people like me who keep their creations to themselves. We don’t always have to do things for other people.

Navigating

Maybe it is because I overthink being a human. Maybe it is because I overthink in general. Maybe I am too self-aware and hypersensitive to external forces impacting my existence. Whatever the reasoning is, I find myself stuck in moments of life that baffle me.

I’m not sure what comes next. I know Thanksgiving is in two days and a blog post about being thankful would be more accurate of a blog post to write, but I already did a blog post about the attitude of gratitude. I do have a lot of things to be thankful for. I could create a blog post that is just a list of them. That seems less interesting than navigating my thoughts right now.

I know I overthink things. I know I dwell on topics that may never be resolved. It is one reason I love philosophy. A subject dedicated to unanswered questions. You can think in experiments. Run things through a simulation of some kind to figure out the closest answer you can get to some of life’s harder questions.

I don’t have any major projects ahead. Luckily, house stuff has slowed down. Sure, there are a few things here or there, but nothing as dramatic as not having a shower for two weeks. I am at a lull moment. A time I should be spending feeling content or dare I say happy. Instead, I find myself frazzled. Once again at a place where I’m not sure what to do with myself. I’m not sure how to spend my free time.

I’ve been here before. Seasonal depression is hitting me so hard. I feel like giving up and going to sleep right after work. Unfortunately, I think too much to actually fall asleep, but maybe I could. I don’t think my dog would appreciate that or my normal sleep routine.

I know this isn’t the cheery right before a holiday kind of post people want to read. Truth is, I’m not feeling cheery if that isn’t obvious. I’m a real person who has a lot of feelings. My blog is a safe place for people to connect with me if they’re feeling the same way or just needs someone who gets it and mentally feels better not being alone.

To end this blog on a positive note: I am so thankful for the wonderful times I’ve had this year. I am thankful for my daughter Riot. I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for my family (which encompasses all my siblings). I am thankful for my apocalypse women (you know who you are). I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for my boss, coworkers, and just having a job in general. I am thankful that I can overthink and overshare because it is all a part of being alive.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Hope it is a small gathering with loved ones <3 Stay safe!      

Asking for Help

I have been learning how important it is to ask for help. I have struggled with this. I always wanted people to just know what I needed or just know I was not okay. I would get very irritated with myself if there were things I didn’t know how to do. I would get myself all worked up.

I’ve experienced a few helpless moments. The times when you realize, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change a situation. It doesn’t matter how loud you yell or quick you act, things are what they are. You try and try and try and try, but nothing happens. The feeling of exhaustion that comes from overworking or juggling too many things.  

Seems grim, but I’ll explain. In the moments of helplessness, admitting you're helpless is the first step to getting help. Just like with any problems we face. If we don’t admit there is a problem, it is never going to be fixed.  

By admitting I need help with things, I have drawn people into my life that help me with the problems I face. I have delegated tasks to people who want to do them or know how to do them.

My house has become a project. I am anticipating the day when it is fully functioning without any problems. I have taken charge of running my house. I am a landlord, a dog mom, a financial analyst, and a homeowner. I’m wearing a lot of hats. There have been a few times when situations with all of those categories felt helpless.

I have given up trying to do everything on my own or get mad at myself because I lack information. Instead, I will seek out people who have skills or do my own research. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I have to allow myself to be helpless and ask for help.

I have an unfinished song with the lyrics: 

“Help me feel helpless
To give up control
Help me feel helpless
To be still and know
That you’re in control of everything in my life
My hands are too small
To carry what I have
So, help me feel helpless
And put it in your hands”

I don’t think humans were meant to do everything on their own. There is power in community. There is power in connection. We all add something. Whether we know what that knowledge is or not, we can impact someone else’s life.

Example: I know a plumber now. I didn’t know one before, but I’m glad I know him because I don’t want to have to learn how to fix pipes. Woot, Woot!

The point is, ask for help. We aren’t meant to ‘do it all.’ Just do what you can and then ask for help. I’m sure there is help out there.

To Make a House a Home

To make a house a home, you have to start with curtains. Curtains allow you to cocoon yourself inside but also allows you to open them up to a new day.

To make a house a home, you have to get some rugs. This of course only applies if your whole house does not have any carpeting. My house has wood floors. The carpets add something soft for your feet and a place to play with the dogs.

To make a house a home, you have to get a table. As fun as it is to eat in the living room on the couch, it doesn’t leave a lot of space for guests. Make sure you get a table that fits the space you have. My table is a breakfast nook which fits perfectly in my kitchen. The table provides a place to sit for work, eating, and guests.

To make a house a home, you have to decorate. Nail pictures on the wall. Put Christmas lights in your room. Having warm colorful lights in your room gives you a cozy space. Especially, during these darker days. 

To make a house a home, you have to fix the problems that arise. If water is leaking from your ceiling, you have to get it repaired. It is easy to get overwhelmed by projects that arise, but by taking care of the house, the house will also take care of you. Make sure you prioritize projects.   

To make a house a home, you have to start cooking food. Using the stove for the first time was exciting because it was the start of many meals to be prepared on it. Getting used to your counter space also comes with cooking. It allows you to understand your space.

To make a house a home, you have to invite the people you love over. Unfortunately, covid has limited the number of people we can have over, BUT it hasn’t stopped us from having a few friends over at different times. Bringing people you love into your home fills it with love.

Overall, I am settling into my new home happily! I’m excited for when I can fill it with more love and have more people over. For now, I enjoy having a home base. 

 

Dog Mom

I knew having a dog would be a whole new set of responsibilities. I knew that I’d have to be okay with being covered in animal fur again. I knew that I may experience new odors that are unpleasant. I knew that I may never sleep-in again because someone is dependent on me to use the bathroom.

No matter how many cons come with having a dog… I’M IN LOVE!

Riot has been an entertainment, a comfort, and a joy to my existence. I always hoped this kind of love was possible. Loving so fully without fear knowing that you are loved back just as much. The dam of love has been broken. It is quite a waterfall.   

Riot completes me somehow. In the cute way she puts her head on my legs when sleeping, to the way she cries when I leave. I can’t get enough of her. I’m having the separation anxiety when I leave her too! :P  

I feel like there is still so much to learn. She’s got her own personality. She’s already possessive and protective of me. It cracks me up. I feel bad for my friends who try to meet her, but I also love that I’m her favorite.

I know the cliché about dogs being man’s best friend. It is a whole other thing experiencing it. Truthfully, having both a cat and a dog, I can’t say which is my favorite. I love them both. Like real children. They’ll always have a place in my heart, and I won’t pick favorites. Love is too abundant to have to choose.  

 Posted below are pictures of my beautiful baby girl! I think she looks like my dog.

New Year

I know it is not January, but even though January 1^st changes the calendar year, my new year is my birthday. Which some of you might not know was in this month.

I am starting a new rotation around the sun. Living through 24 has made me wiser. I am paying closer attention to my habits. I am improving my positive vocabulary. I am finding more value in all of life’s lessons. I allow myself to react with a desire to get to the root cause of why I am reacting. I am kinder to myself. I give myself a lot more positive pep talks. I am living a life of abundance.

I am truly grateful. I didn’t imagine my life now at 20. I used to hate when people asked me “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” because I never knew the answer. But I’m here now; 5 years later from being 20. I’m doing adulting things. Such as, owning a home and having a dog! Two things that I thought I’d have to be much older to have. I will definitely be expanding on my two new life adventures in future blogs, but this one is just the big announcement.

I have been listening to a Mindvalley series called Unlimited Abundance. One of the podcasts was about Clearing the Fear of Change. I used to be terrified of change. I was told I needed to love change. I thought change was bad or good, but mostly bad. The cool thing that I picked up from the podcast is that we are constantly changing.

Scientifically, our bodies are changing. Creating new skin, pumping red blood cells, and growing hair. I’m no scientist so I cannot go into the depths of the human body complexity, but I do find it fascinating. If our bodies are constantly changing, then it is foolish to resist change because we are beings of change.

I’m seeing change as a power-up. Every day, I get a little smarter. I grow into being the best version of myself. I am enjoying that I am never stuck. Change is inevitable. It is the only consistency in life. Learning to flow with change, be open to it, and ride the change is all a part of living life to the fullest.

Thank you to all my readers for continuing to read my life’s journey. I post these blogs sometimes forgetting that they’re out there for anyone to read, and it is cool to be able to connect with people over topics I’ve covered. So thank you! 

Abundant Love

I feel that there is so much weight on the word love. The English language provides many synonyms for the word love, but other languages are limited to one word or phrase. It is hard for non-English speakers to comprehend the many words we use to describe love. But for whatever reason, we still hold love to a higher standard of feeling than the other words we could use. It is weird and kind of uncommon to say “I love you” to someone you just met or are only friends with. If you LOVE something, it is implied that it is the best and ONLY thing for you.

I have recently been digesting on the word abundance. What if there is an abundance of love? Loving so many things would not be seen as uncommon, but a higher frequency of living. I feel that by acting like love is limited, we think there are not enough good things for everyone and everything.

Think about it...if there is an abundance of love, why is there so much hate and fear? If there is an abundance of good for all people, why is their violence? If there is abundant wealth, why isn’t everyone wealthy? A world relying on the lie of scarcity puts people’s lives in danger. A world of abundance brings peace.  

My dive through the ocean of love has got me breathless. I am surrounded by 'couple love' but remain single. At first, it felt like I was lacking because I do not have a single special someone to love. Truth is, I have said, “I love you” to a lot of people. I would throw out the word “love” like it had no importance. So, I started to question that maybe all those things were not love and that I may not have encountered love yet. I started to feel like love was limited or quantified. If I told person A that I love them then I couldn’t possibly love person B.  

Thinking about love being abundant, I realize I didn’t run out of love. The 100% truth is that I have loved AND still love so many people. There is enough love to surpass all time and space. I’ve only gone deeper into my capacity to love. Even when my loved ones find love, I get to love more people. Love is expandable.

Love does not have to be limited to a human trait. I can love riding my bike AND the taste of cappuccino because the simple things bring abundant joy. Love is as vast as the oceans and continues to expand like the universe. Just because we are only given one word to describe the good things that come with love, does not diminish the value of love you have for someone or something.

I can float on the top of love. I can doggy paddle on the surface. I can swim in the shallows. Or I can dive deep into its abundance and know there is enough love for me. I don’t have to be excluded from a club because I’m showing up as one. There is enough love in me to be loved.

I feel like it is always important to bring up self-love. I’ve noticed in other people too that we are the meanest and hardest on ourselves. Love is both an outward and inward emotion of choice. There is enough love for you and me to love ourselves, others, and things abundantly.  

Remember the Progress

I have a lot of journals. I started journaling in 2007. I can’t tell you who inspired me to start journaling or why it became such a staple in my existence, but my first journal was given to me as a Christmas present by my Aunt Gina. Inside are entries from 5^th grade me. Words are spelled incorrectly and stories I have forgotten are stored. My journals are time capsules.

I have a total of five full journals--working on my 6th. I do not write every day, but I always date my journal entries. For the most part, I would be super embarrassed if someone read my journals. Things I was worried about, cried over or obsessed over back then seem so silly now. Though some of my journal entries are so heartbreaking that I cry reading them present day. If an outsider (anyone that isn’t me) read my journals, I think they’d be really confused and/or worried depending on which journal they read.

I have used my journals for many purposes. Sometimes just to vent, other times to remember. Sometimes I’ve used it just to help settle my restless mind. I mostly journal before bed. Through the years, my voice changes. My writing voice, that is. I have documentation of my psychological development. My hero’s journey per se. My current journal is so different than my old ones because no matter how sad the entry is, I always end it with affirmations. My way of reminding myself that no matter how glum things feel, there is always good. (Which is a major development for me!)    

I don’t believe my past should dictate my future but looking back helps me remember how far I’ve come. I have survived many obstacles life has placed before me. I have overcome different hardships that I thought I’d never get over. Time has given me the ability to be above it all. I have written my cares, fears, and worries in a book that reminds me of the progress I’ve made to be no longer impacted by them.

Journaling is not everyone’s cup of tea. I obviously have found it beneficial to my life. It is a small part of my legacy. Maybe someday my kids will read them. Maybe someday I’ll find entries I want to share with my future spouse. The possibilities for my journals are endless. For now, they are my way of remembering my progress.

I encourage anyone who journals, to pull out some of your old journals and reflect on how far you’ve come.

The Power of Perspective

If this year has taught me anything, it is the power of perspective. I thought 2020 was going to be my year. Everyone made the joke “20 / 20 vision.” It was really overdone.

Then something happened. There was a shift in the way we are used to living. A brand-new way to experience this world. An eye-opening, global crossing pandemic.

Some had high hopes this would be over by summer. Some people still don’t think it is real. Some people are tragically impacted by it. Some people are only annoyed by the inconvenience of wearing a mask. Either way, everyone is looking at this pandemic from a different perspective.

Whether a perspective is right or wrong is up to the individual. They can have outside sources to come to their decision or they can internally believe in a decision. Either way, a choice is made and we label a perspective 

This year started out feeling like the worst possible year. After time, I’ve realized how ridiculous it is to label an entire year as one thing. I have no control over what happens tomorrow. Despite making plans, things can change in an instance. It can become overwhelming or it can just be what life is.   

I can focus all my energy on everything I think is going bad right now or I can acknowledge that in order for something to be bad, something has to be good. When we focus on the chaos, chaos is all you see. If you focus on the solutions, you might not solve the problem. But if you acknowledge the problems and then take steps to improve it, things can change.

I’ve been working on fixing my perspective. Every day brings an unexpected blessing. Before bed or even during the day, I just start thinking about all the things I am grateful for. My perspective is through a lens of gratitude. Since I am focused on the unexpected blessings, unexpected blessings appear. For example, I saw a shooting star driving home from Brockport. It was amazing.

I still experience some anxiety and fear of the unknown, but I am grateful for those emotions because they make me human. I am continuously working on self-love. I am trying not to get too weighed down or overwhelmed by what the future holds. I still don’t feel at my full potential, but I am grateful that I am enough even if I don’t feel it yet.   

Take some time out of the day to figure what your perspective on life is. You might realize that your views are mostly negative or mostly positive. Either way, figuring out your perspective helps make the groundwork for how you want your life to be. The small things matter.

For People with Opinions

I have some questions.

What are you trying to accomplish when you:

• post snarky passive aggressive posts?
• insult the people who disagree with you?
• shut people down instead of having a conversation?
• think the information you have is better than the information someone else has?
• believe your opinion holds more value than someone’s life experience? 

In case people don’t get to the bottom of this blog, I want to state this first. To all the people who disagree with me, your life matters. Your opinions are your opinions. I can respect that. I won’t try to change your mind. I won’t even insult you. Just please take a moment to answer my questions before you decide to share your anger and hate on social media.

I genuinely want to know the answers to these questions because I don’t understand what people are trying to accomplish by being mean. It hurts my heart. 

If someone wanted to convince me of their views with love, maybe I’d be more open to listening. If your views cannot be expressed in love, maybe you should rethink your views. 

The anger and hate being thrown by people who are not even influenced by the stances they are taking saddens me. We don’t live in a world that is black and white. We live in a world with different shades of grey. There shouldn’t be such a chasm between people. 

It is easy to throw mud. It is easy to hurl insults and hide behind hate and anger. But what are you accomplishing? 

We are missing out on conversations. We are cutting people out of our lives because our views seem so polar opposite. Why?

For my Bible-believing people of faith, here is a verse to meditate on when you’re feeling overwhelmed by people who disagree with you and you want to lash out in your own version of God’s justice. 

“Beloved, don’t be obsessed with taking revenge but leave that to God’s righteous justice. For the Scriptures say: “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay,” says the Lord. And: If your enemy is hungry, buy him lunch! Win him over with kindness. For your surprising generosity will awaken his conscience, and God will reward you with favor. Never let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:19-21‬ ‭TPT‬‬

The Free World

The only oppressor we have in this life is ourselves.

Work towards what you want.

Healing Pain

I’ve been experiencing unpleasant shoulder and jaw pain. I can’t seem to get my body to act its age. No matter what I do, my body feels tight and tense. A technique I’ve been using to stretch out is yoga.

Yoga is not my forte. I’m not great at breathing and my body’s flexibility is lacking. I don’t really have great core strength. To me, yoga is hard but dealing with my pain has led me back to trying yoga.

When I first tried a yoga video on YouTube, I could feel my body resisting me. My body would cramp and shake. Following my breath to do movements seemed impossible. I felt like I was begging the yoga instructor to get to the next pose. It was a struggle, but I knew it was good for me.

I finally decided to cut myself some slack. It was okay that I wasn’t very good at yoga, but with time, I could become better. I reminded myself that there is healing in the pain. Though stretching out doesn’t feel relaxing, it is good for my body to become uncomfortable to become comfortable. There is a proverb I’ve heard: “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.” My body is all sorts of bent out of shape, but the more I stretch it, the more flexible it will become.

Our society is going through pain. A lot of tragedies are occurring, and there is division. People are taking sides instead of stretching and growing the way they think. What looks like chaos could just be healing pains.

Healing is not a simple task. It takes time. People think of healing as something good but healing only happens because something is broken. Of course, it is going to hurt. Even scratches itch when they’re healing. Discomfort comes from getting better. Some people are going to feel the healing pains more than others. Some people’s wounds run deeper and continue to be reopened. We need to address issues the best we can to continue the healing process.

I don’t like to argue or debate. I also don’t like people shoving their ideas in my face like “Aha! Now you should be convinced that I am right.” I just want there to be peace. I want there to be healing. It may feel uncomfortable but change needs to happen. I don’t hold all the answers for how. I do know that the world has a lot of healing to do, and it won’t be painless.

    

Reality is...

Act the way you want to be treated. 

Actions speak louder than words. 

If you believe your life matters, act like your life matters.

We can contribute to the darkness or the light of this world. 

You are only responsible for yourself. 

Good luck...  

Mind Control

I know what you’re thinking. Why would you title this blog post mind control? What are you getting at? What do you know about mind control?

If you’re not thinking any of those things because of the title, then I have failed to control your mind.

Actually, the only mind I am going to talk about controlling is my own. No, I am not saying you are going to control my mind. I am saying, I am controlling my own mind. Which then your comeback may be, “well duh, Christa, you have control over your own mind.” But keep reading. I promise, there is a point.

How much control do we really have over our own minds? If I tell you to think about a pink polar bear, how many of you are now thinking about a pink polar bear? Pause from reading and try and stop thinking about that pink polar bear. Have you stopped? Do any of you remember the game you’re supposed to forget you’re playing and lost when you remembered you were playing it? Sorry if I made any of you lose. Have you forgotten the pink polar bear yet?

Simple stuff like that shows we do not always have control over our own minds. As much as I try to not think about something or someone, I’m still thinking about it somewhere in my thoughts. Especially at times when I really, REALLY don’t want to be thinking about it. I envy people who when you ask them “what are you thinking about?” and their response is “nothing,” they’re actually thinking about nothing… or are they?

During this time of quarantine, I’ve been practicing taking control of my mind. My thoughts love to spiral on me. I think a mile a minute without end in sight. Sometimes it’s pure nonsense and other times it is fear-based. I’m sure there are many people who can relate to anxiety taking over or depressing thoughts.

There are a few things I’ve been doing to take control of my mind. One thing I do is speak out loud. Yes, I will proudly admit that I talk to myself. I even sing to myself. Words have power especially when you speak them out loud. When I find myself trapped inside my head spiraling, I speak kind, loving, gentle, comforting words to myself out loud. I even talk to myself like I am talking to another person, but it’s for my ears only. When I hear myself speaking, it is a way to quiet my mind and take the reins back.

Another thing I do to take control of my mind is to distract myself. Sometimes a little distraction is good for the soul. We don’t always have to be stuck in the present moment. It is okay to get lost in a book, a TV show, a song, a game, or a movie. There are plenty of ways to distract. By distracting myself, I am taking control of what my mind is focused on.

Something else I do to control my mind is to confront the thoughts. It goes hand in hand with becoming aware of what is around me. I will argue with myself and question what I am thinking. For no apparent reason, I will think about things I’m afraid of. Instead of letting those thoughts continue, I push back. I think to myself, “There is no reason to be afraid of this because it is merely a thought in my head” and “Why are you even thinking about this?” I then remind myself of my present surroundings. I become aware of the things that are real and tell myself, “I am safe, and all is well in my world.”

Lastly, what I do to control my mind is journal. Not everyone can be a journal-er, but I find writing my thoughts down helps me let them go. I know some people who take it a step further and burn their journals when they’re done. Obviously, I enjoy writing, or I wouldn’t have a blog, but writing in a journal gives me the ability to word vomit anything and everything without concern. I try to keep it real in my blogs, but I also structure these so they’re coherent. Don’t have to worry about that in a journal.

Our minds are powerful. They can feel like a prison cell or they can be an ocean of possibility. The vastness of our imagination can be intimidating to one and a playground to someone else. That’s why we have such an array of entertainment out there. The possibilities are endless. The combinations limitless. But without some control, our minds can betray us.

Our mind is a muscle that we have to condition, tone, and work if we want it to be healthy. How we think, impacts everything we do. It is so easy to make excuses for why we are so miserable, but it all goes back to a thought in our minds. We choose what misery looks and feels like.

I’m not trying to say these things to be apathetic. I am working my mind-muscle to not fall into despair when things don’t go the way I’d like them to. My physical body is really sore right now. I was just laying on my floor before writing this because everything I do physically is painful. I feel like I always get some kind of push back when I am doing well. The good news is, I still have control over my mind. Yes, being in physical pain and having insomnia are inconvenient. In the midst of that, I still choose to be proud of myself for the things I have accomplished and accomplishing. I am taking control of my mind.

I encourage you, exercise your mind-muscle. You have the power to change the way you think, you just gotta put in the hard work. You can do it!

Attitude of Gratitude

Happy May, everyone! If you are reading this, you have survived another month of quarantine. Now in case you haven’t read my other blog posts this year, I’m going to do a quick recap.

I started this year in a mental break. I was having a midlife crisis at 24 because I felt purposeless and goalless. I was full of anxiety to the point where I’d come home from work, sit in the fetal position, and cry for a while because I didn’t know what to do with myself. Things that I used to enjoy didn’t bring me any happiness.

I then had an epiphany and got help. I started speaking my truth, seeing a counselor, joined a gym and tried to be more social. Then as everyone knows and is affected by, the coronavirus happened. I felt like all my hard work was for nothing. I was having panic attacks again and crying a lot. I was not sure how I was supposed to adapt to this new way of living.

Turns out, once I finally had my apartment to myself, I actually adapted pretty quickly. I started creating. I created the world around me full of music, dancing, writing, reading, and videos. I’ve been able to spend more time with my parents, who are some of my favorite humans.

The more I’ve been reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, the more I realize that I am living my best life. I am living my best life because I am investing in myself and doing things that I thought I didn’t have time for or couldn’t do. I’m facing fears and living with an attitude of gratitude.

Being grateful is a huge life changer. I didn’t think it would work because it seemed too easy. How could being thankful change my gloom and doom mood? But it has! I wake up in the morning and even though at first, I wish I could sleep more, I think to myself that I am grateful for a good night’s sleep. And if I didn’t sleep well, I say I’m thankful that I woke up this morning.

My days, though not always eventful, go by so fast because I am having fun. I am so grateful for the things I have in this life. I encourage everyone to write out the things you are thankful for and just recite them to yourself. If you can’t think of anything to be grateful for, start with simple things.

I am grateful for the air I breathe. I am grateful for a place to live. I am grateful for the food I have. I am grateful for clean water to drink. I am grateful for a bed to sleep in. I am grateful for the ability to move my body. I am grateful for being able to think and feel.

I have started being grateful for things that I didn’t think I’d be saying at the beginning of this year. I thought 2020 was going to be a year of new vision because I was going to try really hard to change myself into someone I liked. Instead, 2020 became a year of new vision because I started to see the good things about me that already exist. I’m not changing me; I’m just loving me. I am grateful that I exist and that I am who I am.     

Getting to Know Me

How is everyone doing during this quarantine? I know it is an unpleasant situation for a lot of people, especially social butterflies. It’s also hard for people to understand the severity of it when they don’t think of themselves as a risk or they’re in good health. I know when this all started, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it, but I’ve actually been adapting really well. Here is how I’ve been surviving.

I’ve been getting to know me. I’m cheating a little because I’m an introvert. Honestly, this is kind of my life on the daily. I don’t love going out, socializing is exhausting, and I’m used to not seeing my friends all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I miss during this quarantine, but I’m not going to dwell on the negatives here. I’m focusing on the things that bring me happiness.

One thing I have been doing to get to know me is read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hays. Her book encourages me to accept myself. Her message is self-love, which is something I need to be reminded of because I’m pretty hard on myself. I’m a perfectionist. Reading that book -and I’ve been taking my sweet time doing so- has given me some really good insight on how I want to be once this whole thing is over.

The second thing I’ve done to get to know me is watch YouTube videos about my personality type via Meyer’s Brigs. I actually stumbled upon a YouTuber that has a lot of videos about our personality type. It makes me laugh so hard when he says things that sound exactly like something I’ve said or thought. It helps me feel less alone in this world. Shout out to Frank James who has hilarious videos about personality types and enneagrams!  

A third thing I have been doing to get to know me is taking care of my physical body. Believe it or not, but I’ve become healthier during this quarantine. I’ve been taking walks, having dance parties, and cooking good food. The weather hasn’t always cooperated for walks outside, but dance parties can happen whenever. I used to get really stressed out about eating, but now I’m just making whatever I feel like making and confidently trying to make new things. It’s been exciting.

A fourth thing I have done to get to know me is work on my music. I haven’t written any new songs yet, but the goal is to make a new YouTube video soon using an already written unshared song. I have kind of neglected my music for a while. Pushing it off because of being a perfectionist and doubting the point of even sharing it. I forgot how much I love my songs. Whether I get famous or not, I want to share them because they’re special to me.   

Lastly, to get to know me, I’ve been watching Hannah Montana. I understand how this can be a weird way to get to know me, but I grew up watching Hannah Montana. It made me realize how many lies about life I used to believe because I watched that show while my brain was developing with no real experience. It is filled with subliminal messages that little kids don’t question, but as an adult, I also recognize the good life lessons it taught me. It’s been fun to reminisce about the past.

I know these things are tailored to me, but maybe some of them will inspire you to get to know yourself better. Our future is still uncertain, and it would have been uncertain even without this virus. What we can control is the present moment that we are in. Today is your day to love on yourself, get to know you, and take care of yourself. Take the extra time you might have to self-reflect and show yourself self-love.

For those who are alone and don’t like it, instead of giving in to despair and feeling alone, entertain yourself. Take yourself on a date. You don’t have to go anywhere. Take-out and movie at home can be a luxury. Enjoy this time. Maybe it’s time to try new things. Pick up cooking, reorganize your closet, read a book or color. Coloring is super fun and therapeutic. Pretend you’re a little kid again and play with toys. The possibilities are endless.

You know what they say, time flies when you’re having fun. Before you know it, things will be back to normal. In the meantime, keep your head up. You’ve got this!    

[I know this blog post doesn’t apply to everyone. I’m sure there are plenty of parents who wish their kids could go back to school, but if you took the time to read this, I appreciate you. You’re a superhero!]

Guilty as Charged

It is a new month which means a new blog post. I hope this can be a fun distraction for people during this quarantined month and uncertain times. Though my topic may seem a little heavy. My title is kind of a hint. The topic is guilt.

I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now. It’s been exciting because she is someone I actually like and trust (which is very important when choosing a counselor). I was talking to her about what was going on in my life and she recognized a feeling in me; the feeling of guilt. Something I didn’t think about before but hit the nail right on the head.

She told me that guilt does not come from the Divine. Then she asked me, who feels guilty? I didn’t know how to answer. I assumed a lot of people. Turns out, people who feel guilty are often the real kind, helpful, and caring people. Then she asked me, who does not feel guilty? I responded, “psychopaths and murders.” Her response to this was, “yes, but not even that extreme. People who are takers, go getters, and a lot of really successful people don’t feel guilt.”

Reflecting on my own life, I feel guilty a lot. I feel guilty for existing. I feel guilty for making the smallest mistakes or coloring out of the lines. I feel guilty for doing things for myself or thinking what I want is more important than someone else. It’s exhausting, but I’m a people pleaser. When I mess up, the blunt of my anger is at myself. Even if I just lashed out at someone else, the person I am madder at is me.

As a little girl, I used to say the sinner’s prayer every time the invitation came because I believed that Jesus left me when I did something sinful. As an adult, though I’ve learned that wasn’t true about Jesus, the guilt of making mistakes made me feel like I deserved something bad when I did something wrong. That’s why self-harm was a coping skill I used to use.

I’m trying to work on myself to live a guilt-free life. Trust me when I say I feel guilty trying to do that because I still don’t know how. I’m not saying I won’t make mistakes. I’m going to fail repeatedly, but I’m trying to forgive myself quicker and apologize less for the things that just make me human.

I don’t need people to say sorry to me. I just want my boundaries to be respected and mistakes to be recognized and learned from. I want to live guiltless and full of grace. I know I’m going to get push back from this, but I think “I’m sorry” is a stupid phrase. It doesn’t mean anything unless people are willing to change and improve. Being sorry doesn’t mean you’ve learned anything.        

Maybe you have no idea what I am talking about in this blog post. Maybe you’re a guiltless person and just live your best life. Good for you! Please teach me your ways.

Maybe you’re like me before talking to my counselor and don’t realize you’re living guilty. In case you’re unsure, being overly guilty looks like saying “I’m sorry” a lot even if you did nothing wrong. You’re always the one to say sorry first. You’re the person who would throw yourself on the sword to make sure everyone else feels good. These traits aren’t bad, but they can be hindering you from your fullest potential.

The world is in chaos right now and no one is unaffected. This is the time when we should be giving ourselves the most grace. Instead of getting mad at yourself or feeling guilty about that piece of cake we just ate for lunch, show yourself love. Instead of feeling guilty for being overwhelmed by the number of people trapped in your house with you, tell everyone how much you love them and take some personal time in another room.

Guilt can create monsters out of really caring and loving people. Don’t feel guilty for needing things. Instead of feeling guilty and getting upset, take a step back and give yourself a hug. I’m serious. What would the world be like if we were guiltless? What if we chose grace over guilt? What if we chose kindness instead of anger? Think about it and know you are innocent.    

The Mind of a Child

These have been some difficult times, so I feel this post is fitting now.

I love children. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. I thought being a mom was the coolest thing in the world to be. I just feel like raising a human is an incredible life-changing experience.

I have three little ones in my life that I always call mine when I talk about them. They’re my cousin’s kids, but I came to the hospital the day each of them was born. Something about my connection with them from the beginning made them mine. They were mine to love and cherish without any reason. As my cousin had each kid, my heart got fuller and fuller. I enjoy getting to know them as they grow and learn.  

(Philosophical thoughts)

There is something so incredible about the mind of a child. John Locke believed that humans come into this world as a “clean slate.” Eventually, you will gain knowledge based on experiences. Another philosophy about humans is innatism and the notion that the mind is already born with ideas, knowledge, and beliefs. Plato and Descartes both emphasized that experiences were the key to unlocking the knowledge within us, but not the source.

I have inwardly battled between those two theories:

On one hand, I believe that experiences make us who we are. Circumstances make us who we are. What has happened to me is the reason I act and behave the way I do. My traits are learned. The world around me creates the person I am.

On the other hand, I experience life internally. Somehow between the tragic events of my life, I was figuring out how to do things. My life was made up of small basic things that I never talked to anyone about. There are experiences that come solely from me.

It’s easy to blame external forces for my actions, but Descartes and Plato’s theory makes me think harder. What if the answers are already inside of me? What if experiences are learning opportunities?

(Back to kids)

I figured out why I love children. I figured out why it brings me so much happiness when a child likes me. Children teach me. They helped me answer my above philosophical dilemma.

Children live in the moment. They don’t dwell in the past, but also not living for the future. They want what they want now and feel what they feel when they feel it. Children are brilliant. They ask questions. They learn new things. They get so excited. They feel pain by screaming and crying, but kisses make booboos better. Children only want to be loved and cared for. They try to be independent and stand on their own two feet. They’re happy when they walk, cry when they fall, but never give up trying. 

Frozen II feels super real to me right now. I know it’s a kid’s movie. Bear with me if you’ve never seen it. The second song in the movie “Some Things Never Change” has a lot of lessons. The song seems like a contradiction to the entire plot of the movie. Life is constantly changing. I thought I was in a good place on the road to self-discovery/self-love… Then this virus turns the world upside. I didn’t expect that change. I know the virus and my life are not correlated. It’s not like the universe checked in with me to see if this was a good time to have a virus apocalypse. That’s just life though. Life changes in the blink of an eye. It can be overwhelming.     

The fourth song in the movie is “When I Am Older.” The writer of this song is brilliant. When I was a kid, I thought getting older meant I could do anything and everything. As an adult, I would have all the knowledge and power in the world. The older I got the more I thought things would make sense, but in actuality, there is just more information that I don’t understand. I can’t do everything.   

I’m trying to channel my inner child. I’m trying to stop myself from thinking too far into the future, and I’m not worrying about what happened yesterday. I’m taking each day as it comes. I’ve cried when I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve taken walks when I get antsy. I’m trying to make lists to give myself some structure for the day. I’m giving myself all the credit for taking care of myself. My journey of self-discovery/self-love hasn’t stopped because of this virus. I control this moment. 

During this time of social distancing and chaos, I encourage you to be like a child. Do what Olaf said and, “make the best out of what you can control.”

I’m a giver so please reach out if you are needing love and encouragement. We should stay physically distant, but you don’t have to do this alone. Please reach out!  

Connection

I’ve been trying to have meaningful connections with people. Often, I overthink interactions. I say I have social anxiety, but I’m starting to realize more and more why. 

There are huge unknown factors when interacting with people. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I don’t know what their history is. I don’t know how they interpret the world and the meaning of life. I don’t know if they have any spiritual or religious beliefs. I don’t know if they’re going to like me. I don’t know what kind of mood they’re in. I certainly don’t know how they’ll react to me. 

I try to choose my interactions with people carefully. I often don’t want to disturb the existence of others with my own. I try not to think of myself as too important that people should be forced to connect with me. There is a bit of a fear factor that I’m not interesting, smart, or deserving of connection, but sometimes I just don’t understand the rules of interacting with people. It stresses me out, and I crave isolation.

I used to think if I had a lot of people in my life, they would just want something from me. They’d take and take and take until there was nothing left of me. I always felt like the person who had to reach out cause if I didn’t, no one reached out to me. Yet, I still wanted connection. I still reached out. I’d still make plans with people. It wasn’t always easy, and plans would get canceled, but I did my best to be social even if it was painful. Luckily, I am learning about emotional boundaries and a new way of looking at connection.

Human life is fascinating to me. I truly wish I could study human behavior and be an expert on all things human. Unfortunately, the manual for human interaction doesn’t truly exist because we are all so different. Nothing human-related is this or that. 
So why do we do it? Why do we interact with each other? Why do we connect? What are our intentions when we see our friends or see our family? Or meet strangers?

I feel like the answers to those questions will be different for every person who reads this, but this is my thought:

The people I choose to be a part of my life is important to my growth. I am not all-knowing so having people in my life gives me access to knowledge.
I connect with people because I think humans are intriguing. I want to love and learn more about them. What it means to be human looks different on everyone. Finding the similarities and the difference is so cool. I love the uniqueness of how we all think or don’t. Cliché, connection gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I guess a sense of belonging.

Everyone is not going to want me around and that is 100% okay. Instead of trying to force myself into people’s lives, I will make my attempts to connect and if it’s not meant to be, I’ll move on. I also get to decide if the connection is worth holding on to. I have accepted the downfalls of trying to connect. I choose not to let fear be the reason I stop getting my warm fuzzy feeling.   

It is a superpower to connect with people. People who do it naturally are gifted. I commend them. If you are anything like me though, interacting with people may cause some anxiety.  

I’m going to tell you a secret… lean in… Interaction with people is scary. People are unpredictable. Don’t be so hard on yourself if interactions don’t come easy. They don’t need to be. Just be yourself. Everyone else is dealing with stuff too. Make yourself known, speak up, and be heard if you want to. Nothing says you have to engage. You are just as unpredictable as the person you might end up connecting with. You got this!

In the Eye of a Hurricane

“In the eye of a hurricane there is quiet; for just a moment, a yellow sky.” -Hamilton

In life, there is so much out of my control. There are so many people that I will never meet. There are so many people who will never meet me. There are natural disasters that no one can truly prepare for. There are accidents that happen. There are people who are full of hate. There are machine malfunctions. There is human error. There is illness. There is pain.   

If me listing any of those things have caused you to regret reading this blog, I hope you hold on a little longer for me to explain why I took you there.

My head swarmed with thoughts. Thoughts that told me, “People didn’t like me.” Thoughts that told me, “I wasn’t enough.” Thoughts that told me, “They are better off without me.” Thoughts that told me, “I could never change.” Thoughts that told me, “You are not smart.” I was living from mental breakdown to mental breakdown. Pushing myself to crippling anxiety.

I anticipated being miserable. When things were going well, I was waiting for the next thing to trigger me. I lived in glass walls easy to be shattered. Interacting with people was a task to fill my day, not a pleasure. Going grocery shopping was a constant battle between me and my anxiety. Driving alone in my car was torture because I was stuck drowning in self-hatred. I was helpless.

Looking back on the interactions with people that gave me what I like to call ‘gold nuggets,’ fills me with overwhelming gratitude. Gold nuggets are pieces of information that bring happiness or enlightenment. My “ah-ha” moment did not come from one instance. I am still collecting gold nuggets.                     

Life is a hurricane. It has the potential for chaos, confusion, and destruction. In the center of all of that, there is quiet. When I think about the overwhelming things I deal with in life, I imagine myself in the eye of a hurricane. I have no control over what is going on around me, but I am aware of the situation. Acknowledging where I am, I have a choice. I could choose to throw myself into the hurricane and relinquish any control or I could be in the midst of chaos and have control over me.

A friend of mine gave me a nugget recently that I am going to use and pass along. He called it “Zoom out!” It helped him put life in perspective. An example of this is my anxiety with grocery shopping. Instead of feeling miserable trying to pretend I’m “normal” because I’m afraid of what strangers might think if I choose to sing to myself and dance down the aisles of Wegmans, I’d zoom out. I am a single person, at a store, in a state, in a country, on a planet, floating in the universe. Hm, I don’t think anyone really cares enough to call me out on doing something that brings me happiness.

After zooming out, I can zoom back in with some perspective. Somehow and some way, I am on this planet. The rate of human death is 100%, yet I am still here. There are so many things that could potentially kill me in this life. My life is so fragile, but I’m still here.

That makes me really excited. My philosophy textbook talked about this idea called “reverence for life.” I am taking every moment as it comes. This is the moment I have control over. I can acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and then decide what outcome I want. I choose how to respond to my initial reaction to something or someone’s reaction to me. I can ask questions if I don’t understand. I can say what I am thinking or feeling without trying to protect other people’s feelings. I can enjoy and appreciate people because I know that we all have our own hurricanes.

My desire as a human is to pull people into the eye of the hurricane. I can’t fix people’s problems; I cannot change what is going on in their life. I can only meet people where they’re at. I would hope to leave people and have them leave me feeling lighter. I am not guaranteed that response, but I can still try.

I am only responsible for me and nothing can take that way. Not even a hurricane because I will find the eye of it.    

Confronting Our Villains

I recently made a new guy friend at work. Anxiety took over my relationship with him, and I became very aware that I did not know how to have a healthy relationship with a guy-friend or otherwise. I became terrified of messing up our friendship that I would purposefully stare at our other mutual friend, who is a girl, instead of looking at him.

Story Time:

It’s Friday night. I go out with some friends. None of us went out to drink, but we all like to dance. While we were out, we run into people we know. Two of them are guys. One, I have proclaimed strong affections of love for, but he did not reciprocate. The other is a guy I have conflicting feelings about. My awareness of the situation is higher than theirs because like most people going out on a Friday night to bars, they are drinking. The guy I proclaimed feelings of love for introduces me to his friends as his ‘Best Friend.’ A trigger is pulled.

Here I am, sober at a bar, being introduced as a ‘Best Friend’ by a guy I’ve been avoiding because he didn’t return my feelings of love. I had told him I was cool with him not loving me back. I tried to make him believe that I totally understood and could get my feelings in check, but that was a lie. While he was being drunk and flirty, all I could do was feel a glimmer of hope like maybe one day his feelings about me would change, and he would love me back.   

That night, I sobbed in the Taco-Bell drive-thru. I knew realistically that those were not how feelings worked. I hated him. I was disgusted by his behavior while drunk. I vilified all his actions. He was my enemy.

At work on Monday, I shared with a few people about the spiritual journey I was on over the weekend. It started with Friday night’s debacle and ended with my new enlightened thoughts. The Friday night story included the villain who called me his best friend. The advice I got from most people about him was to let our friendship die. Him and I were supposed to get dinner during the week, but I should just avoid him. Years of history between us didn’t matter anymore. My side of the story had made him the villain in their eyes too.

There was a twisted knot feeling in my emotions about just discarding him as a friend. I had known this guy for a long time. Sure, I had a lot of unspoken negative emotions towards him, but I also had no idea what was going on in his life. Why did he consider me a best friend? What about our relationship made sense to him? Those questions irritated me. I had to find out, but I did not want to corner him into this conversation. Dinner was out of the question, but grocery shopping seemed like a safe option.

I asked him to join me grocery shopping because grocery shopping alone makes me anxious. True story. He agrees heartily with no preconception of the bomb I felt like I was about to drop on our relationship. I was about to speak my dark ugly truth to him. The outcome was unknown, but the expectation was that he would choose to leave, and our friendship would be over.

To my delight, my friend is not a malicious villain who has it out for me. Though my initial approach of ambushing him in the produce section of Wegmans was not the ideal way of handling the situation, he did not leave. Instead of putting gasoline on my heated emotions, he fire-extinguished them by asking rationally to continue the conversation, not in Wegmans. I respected his wishes. We collected the rest of the items on my list with a lighter tone.

While we were leaving Wegmans, he walked me to my car and said, “I think we need to talk.” Which my comeback was, “Do you want to talk?”

His kind response, “It is not really a want, but definitely a need.”

I won’t go into detail about the entire conversation we had in my car that night. I will say it is my favorite we have had in a long time. I was able to be completely real with him. He returned my openness with sharing stuff about himself that I didn’t know. He so sweetly asked what he could do to improve our relationship, which made me realize how horrible of a friend I have been to him. Friendship is a two-way street. I helped make our relationship unhealthy because I was afraid to speak my truth to him.  

Sometimes in life, we come across people that can feel like the villain in our story. No matter what they do, they make you feel miserable, angry, frustrated, annoyed, and all-around negative emotions. Do you have someone in mind? If not that’s okay too. If you ever do come across someone like that or have someone like that, I want you to ask yourself a few questions:

1.           Does this person intentionally go out of their way to bother me?

2.          What outcome would I like to see if I confronted the person on whatever they are doing that bothers me? Will it help me or hurt them?

3.          How could confrontation help both of us?

4.          Did I vilify this person instead of choosing to see them as a complex human?

5.          What is my truth in this situation that I am afraid to share?

Disclaimer: This method will only work if all members of the confrontation are willing to take responsibility for their actions and look inward. Self-reflection is a huge part of conflict resolution. Openness and vulnerability is the only way to have true connection with other people. There are three things people can do when you share your truth with them- Validate it, challenge it, or ignore it. It depends on what you both want your relationship to be.

I am going to work on having emotional boundaries in every relationship I have. The lie I believed about it being so hard to have a healthy relationship with a guy was all based on my own inability to have emotional boundaries. I know I feel things strongly. Guys who I would want to be my friend will appreciate the depths of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve already had two amazing conversations with the guy at my work. I have a feeling that having a healthy friendship with him will be easy.  

The Scariest Journey Yet

In my life, I’ve noticed that I learn better when I have to teach someone whatever I am learning. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging again because I’m learning a lot. As a disclaimer, everything I write is just a part of my learning process. I do not handle every situation perfectly. I’m just trying new techniques to cope with the overwhelming thoughts I have. I am being vulnerable. The way I handle the tough situations of life is not the only way someone can handle going through what I am. If my blog post makes someone feel less alone because they can relate to what I’m dealing with, maybe my technique can help. 

I am 24 and having a mid-life crisis. I’ve accomplished big milestones in my life and now I’m not sure what comes next. I feel like I’ve been treading water. Aimlessly keeping myself afloat with no real purpose.

Big life changes, good or bad, can trigger a person to have horrible anxiety or depression. I thought because I had a mental breakdown in high school, I was exempt from it happening again as an adult. At least the mental breakdown that gets me sent to the hospital. I’ve had mental breaks since high school, I’ve just ‘managed’ them.

Throughout college and even my masters, I was in a bubble of hope and potential. That bubble has popped. Things that I thought were how I coped are no longer bringing me any kind of happiness. I’m overwhelmed with free time and unsure how to structure it to keep me from wasting my life. I have lost a way to measure my value.  

I mentioned that to my boss about finding something to measure my value. Her response was to find something that makes me happy not valued. That seems like a taller order. I pinned my value when I was in school on my grades. I worked hard to be smart because I don’t feel smart. My grades were a letter, but it told me I was smart. Unfortunately, at work, as much as my boss tells me I’m doing good work, there is no measuring system to tell me if that’s true.  

My feelings towards myself have become destructive. At first, I thought finding a new job would be the answer. I tend to make big life decisions based on confused emotions. So far, they’ve all worked out, but now I am unable to believe I’ll succeed in anything I do. I’m stuck.  

It took watching a show called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to make me realize I have a problem. After I finished the show, I still wasn’t sure what to do with that problem. It was Saturday 1/25 when I saw Mr. Rogers’ movie and it made me realize what I had to do. A line from that movie spoke to me. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” I had some unspoken truths about myself. They didn’t feel manageable, because I didn’t know how to mention them.

I have tried so hard to hide what I call my ‘darkness.’ I’ve tried so hard to pretend I had it under control. The scary thoughts in my head that keep me up at night. The overwhelming burden of finding myself even though I had no idea where to start looking. The feelings of being damaged and unlovable. The inability to feel connected to people because I didn’t want to overwhelm them with my truth. I wanted to believe I was okay. But I am not and that’s okay.

1/27 Monday, I had a lot of emotionally heavy conversations. I was open and honest with my boss and asked for help. I was open and honest with new work friends. I even reconnected with an old friend by not being afraid to care about them (that’ll be another blog post). I told my sister the truth about what’s been going on with me and my plan of action. I talked to a friend who also struggles with anxiety and depression. Lastly, I talked to my cousin who has been an amazing listener to my woes. Part of my burden is lifted. I am supported and loved even after sharing my dark truth.  

Why is this blog post called, The Scariest Journey Yet? I’m glad you asked. I’m about to embark on the journey of accepting my place as a human. I do not know what means to just exist. With no goal ahead of me, I self-destruct. I called a counselor today. For the first time, it is my choice to seek out help. No one told me to do this. I’m terrified. But maybe, just maybe, this is the goal I need to reach. Cause once I can accept that I am worthy of this life, maybe I’ll do big things. Maybe I’ll perform again. Maybe I’ll write songs. Maybe just maybe, I can make beautiful connections with other people who see value in me because I value myself.

I encourage anyone who is struggling with anxiety or depression or both to speak up. Mental illness is stigmatized, but we are not crazy. We just see the world differently and that’s our normal. We are not alone. Speak your truth because to have emotions is to be human. “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” -Mr. Rogers

Thought Experiment- Love

I am starting off with insight on how I want this blog post to be interpreted. I speak from my own experience. I speak my truth and share my feelings. You are welcome to agree or disagree. I’ve just had a lot going on that I felt inspired to write about.

I have been trying to structure my overthinking. I like to overthink, and I over-explain myself because I tend to feel misunderstood. Instead of just mindless thinking, I have done things that philosophers have been doing throughout the ages- thought experiments. Thought experiments are “devices of the imagination. They are employed for various purposes such as an entertainment, education, conceptual analysis, exploration, hypothesizing, theory selection, theory implementation, etc.” -For Source click here.

Here was my thought experiment- If love was personified, how would it act?

I began to create Love the person. It would be easy to be around Love. I could speak freely to them without any fear of judgment. They would ask questions to clarify what I was feeling or saying before reacting. They would share their thoughts freely even if it was to point out something bad or good. They would have healthy boundaries, and I would respect them.

I started to feel like Love was perfect, but then I imagined Love sitting on the edge of a bed crying. They just kept saying “this is too good to be true.” And then Love walked out of my thought experiment.

From the natural progression of my own imagination, I realized I have some negative feelings towards love. I don’t believe it exists the way I want it to. I know I can love people platonically. I know I can be infatuated by someone. But romantic love doesn’t make sense to me.

I told a friend I was lonely. She told me to download an app. I’ve used apps before and I’m still single. It’s been a while, so I told my coworker, “you make my profile, I’ll try the app.” She did. I started out with a single picture. My eyes were covered with sunglasses, my mouth covered by a bandana, and I had a helmet on my head. So that picture has more context, I was riding a four-wheeler. The little I had on my profile was created by my coworkers who already know me. My profile read:

PENGUINS!!!

I write songs and have a YouTube channel.

My family is important to me.

It was amazing how many guys messaged me based on so little information. The majority of them wanted better pictures of me. I obliged and put some that actually showed my face. Once I did that, there were messages that started with “hey beautiful” or “Hi cutie.” Basic flirtatious moves. As the messages continued so did the spectrum of guys who wanted to talk to me.  

I began to categorize the guys into these categories:

• ·        I was not physically attracted to them
• ·        I tried to be nice, but they were creepy
• ·        They wanted to have sex
• ·        All the above

No matter how hard I wanted to carry on a regular conversation that had nothing to do with sex, the guys directed the conversation back to sex or hinting at sex. I got asked a lot of personal sexual questions. Some that were just poorly thought out, but just an excuse to mention cum. I got asked if I wanted to hook-up a lot.

Despite the lack of quality in most of my conversations, I gave out my number or Snapchat to a few guys. I was punished with unwanted dick pics. It only took two to make me delete my account. I felt dehumanized.  

I don’t know what you’re thinking at this point. Hear me out though. Maybe you’re tired of this too.

People don’t understand why I am single. I am lonely. I won’t deny that I feel like something is missing in my life that feels like a gaping hole in my chest. Maybe that is supposed to be filled by a person or maybe I’m just caught up in the idea that it’s supposed to be. The truth is I would rather be lonely than settle for being a sexual object. I would rather be lonely than meet up with a guy at the bar who probably just wants sex. I’d rather be lonely than convince someone to want to be with me.

Is it just me that attracts the kind of guys I don’t want or attracted to the ones I can’t have?

I want something that seems like it should be so simple and so easy, but it’s not. I want to be loved for my mind. I want to be wanted because I exist and it’s mildly entertaining for someone to be a part of my everyday life or even just some of it. Whether we have sex or don’t have sex is irrelevant. I would know I could count on them.

I am no expert on love. I don’t understand it in the magnitude that it can be or isn’t. I encourage you, though to do your own thought experiment about love. What is love personified to you?